In television, they have November Sweeps. In April, the sports world is abuzz with major events occurring in every sport. And every summer, moviegoers are treated to epic explosions, death-defying heroes, and more Shia LaBeouf than anybody really wants.
The blockbuster season approaches, and here in the sporting community, we want a piece of it.
Thus, I've compiled a list of 25 sports-related movies I would like to see made. You'll find movies comprising many genres here—action flicks, a few documentaries and psychological thrillers for the cerebral crowd, and a whole slew of comedies.
Because while there's no business like show business, nothing provides better theater than sport.
Please silence any cell phones or personal devices for the duration of the slideshow. Thanks, and enjoy the show!
The true story of how the term 'WAG' went from a rarely-cited English term regarding soccer wives and girlfriends, to invading America and genetically engineering itself into the very fabric of websites such as Bleacher Report, to its somewhat controversial inclusion in the Oxford English Dictionary.
If you thought Helvetica was non-stop excitement, WAG the Dictionary will leave you speechless.
Starring: Kim Kardashian, Gemma Atkinson, Eva Longoria, Derek Jeter, Alyssa Milano, Cristiano Ronaldo, the entire B/R Swagger staff
Rated: PG-13 (some nudity)
It's Wall Street meats Any Given Sunday. Watch as a group of money-grubbing owners try to weasel back all of the money they conceded in the previous labor negotiations.
The story revolves around the public posturing of the NFL owners and its Player's Union, eventually entering the courtroom for some truly dramatic negotiations.
Will there be a stay? Won't there be a stay? When will the Eagles be able to trade Kevin Kolb? How long will this darn movie last?
The Game Behind the Game: Putting the contact in contract.
Starring: Roger Goodell, DeMaurice Smith, a bunch of crusty, old white guys nobody likes, Tom Brady, 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, heartbroken fans everywhere
Rated: I (Infuriating)
Critics everywhere are hailing this comedy as the funniest movie since "Easy A."
Watch as one man pulls a variety of slightly-funny stunts in an effort to constantly promote himself. Laugh as he fails hilariously as the host of a sports show with Terrell Owens, tries in vain to make a soccer team, and continues to overrate his own value as a wide receiver.
But the hilarity reaches all new heights when Ochocinco travels to Mexico and asks that the holiday "Cinco de Mayo" be renamed to "Ochocinco de Mayo." You'll never believe what happens next!
Starring: Chad Ochocinco, Terrell Owens, Chad Ochocinco's Publicist (later revealed to actually just be Chad Ochocinco), Chad Ochocinco's Twitter account
Rated: PGA (Please Go Away)
James Harrison stars in The Headhunter, one man's quest to inflict as much pain and punishment on other human beings possible.
In a post-apocalyptic, post-lockout NFL, the game has changed. With an increased concern for player safety in the NFL, rule changes have been put in place requiring players to avoid direct hits to the heads of opposing players.
But one man refuses to be tamed. Watch as Harrison leads with his helmet, concusses all who get in his way, and even threatens to retire as he continues to be fined.
Finally, he does retire, and turns to the only man who can steer him back to the NFL: Terry Tate, Office Linebacker, in a cameo that critics are hailing as "widely surprising" and "completely out of the blue."
Starring: James Harrison, Terry Tate (or whatever that guy's name is), neurologists everywhere, Roger Goodell
Rated: BTP (Bring the Pain)
Sacramento thought they were going to lose their basketball team. They thought they were going to become the new Seattle once the Maloofs moved the Kings to Anaheim. They thought the Maloofs were complete idiots.
Well guess what, Sacramento—the joke is on you!
That's right, from the creators of Punk'd and narrated by Ashton Kutcher comes The Maloof Spoof, the uproariously-funny film about the owners of the Kings, who had an entire city convinced they were going to lose their team.
But there's more—watch as they also pull the wool over the citizens of Anaheim, making them believe a move there is imminent.
Just when you thought the Maloofs couldn't botch things any worse, they release The Maloof Spoof. Hilarity has never hurt this bad.
Starring: The Maloofs, David Stern, Ron Burkle, Clay Bennett
Rated: SU (Screw You)
Tiger Woods had it all. He was the best golfer in the world, was worth millions of dollars and had a beautiful wife.
But it wasn’t enough—Tiger needed more. Tiger needed strippers, and porn stars, and a Perkins waitress.
Tiger lost everything.
From Lifetime Network Films comes the true story of a total woman-hating jerk who hit rock bottom because he assumed women were nothing more than the objects of his desire. Watch as his life spirals out of control, his golf game suffers, and he is forced to stare into the eyes of his greatest competition yet:
Women everywhere are raving about how satisfying it is to watch Tiger squirm. Don’t miss the fun this summer.
Starring: Tiger Woods, a lot of strippers and porn stars, Elin Nordegren
Rated: GP (Girl Power)
They say every Rose has its thorn. They never met Derrick Rose.
In 2011, Rose was the toast of Chicago. He led his teams to the playoffs, past the scrappy Pacers in round one, and won the NBA’s MVP award.
But little did Rose know that while he was achieving great success, a maniacal scientist inadvertently cloned an entire legion of mutated, human-killing bulls that were unleashed on the city of Chicago.
With nowhere else to turn, the city calls on one man armed with nothing but a little red towel. And now Rose is in the fight of his life, the hopes and dreams of an entire city resting squarely on his shoulders.
From the studio that brought you Snakes on a Plane comes its most cerebral effort yet: Derrick Rose stars in Running of the Bull
Starring: Derrick Rose, Carlos Boozer (maybe), Luol Deng (possibly), Michael Jordan (because his name always comes up)
Rated: C (Clutch)
She was already turning heads on the golf course by the age of ten. She made waves when she decided to try her luck against the boys.
And then, one day, Michelle Wie simply disappeared from the spotlight.
Watch as one woman struggles to become relevant again, hoping to shrug off the whispers that she was one of the most over-hyped athletes ever.
This summer, we think you’ll agree that Wie Shall Overcome.
Or she will be obscure trying.
Starring: Michelle Wie
Rated: WW (Wait, what?)
You’re being lied to. And they don’t plan on letting it slide by any longer.
Watch as a baseball player and that guy who fires people on television immerse themselves knee-deep in a world of scandal, conspiracy, and general lunacy. They smell something fishy about Obama’s birth certificate and they want you to know about that fishy smell.
From the studio that brought you Misery comes the story of two men willing to go well past the brink of sanity to find the “truth.”
The Certificate. Document this!
Starring: Luke Scott, Donald Trump
Rated: STHUA (Shut the Hell Up Already)
For the full effect, play this while you read. I’m not even going to write any dialogue, I just want you to imagine the following images appearing on the screen:
Tim Duncan gets out-rebounded by Marc Gasol. Kobe Bryant misses a lay-up. Paul Pierce head butts a dude, then is shown getting ejected. Kevin Garnett looks straight-up forlorn. Shaq is sitting in street clothes on the bench.
Now imagine LeBron James soaring for a dunk. Dwyane Wade breaks Garnett’s ankles. Kevin Durant nails a silky-smooth three. Derrick Rose flies into the lane and makes an acrobatic layup
Then, this will appear on the screen:
The ball’s in a new court this summer.
Starring: All the guys I just listed.
Rated: COTG (Changing of the Guard)
Starring: Clay Matthews
Rated: E (Epic)
From the studio that brought you Invincible comes the story of a hockey team from the greatest city in America that is lacking one very important thing:
Watch as Flyers management holds an open tryout to find their own Vince Papale to put between the pipes.
You’ll laugh and, if you’re a Flyers fan, you’ll probably cry.
This summer, find out what the puck is wrong the Flyers goal-tending situation.
Starring: A whole slew of nameless goalies
Rated: SOA… (Son of a…)
In biblical times, the source of Samson’s power was found in his mighty locks of hair.
In the year 2011, another man derives power from his own hair.
And it’s on his face.
Meet Brian Wilson, a man whose beard is starting to take on a life of its own. It’s granting interviews, advertising products and growing to increasingly gnarly lengths.
All of which has left Brian Wilson a little bit confused. Do they love him, or do they love his quirky beard? In a world where athletes often have the personality of a Queen’s Guard, Wilson and his beard have become refreshing for providing something as simple as contrast.
Critics are hailing The Bearded Man as “a character study on the men and women who carry fame like a carefully-crafted visage they wear over their true selves. Or in Wilson’s case, like a totally-rad beard.”
This summer, dominate with The Bearded Man
Starring: Brian Wilson’s beard, Brian Wilson
Rated: NQOY (Not Quite Old Yet)
One man moved to New York and helped turn the franchise around.
The other man was demanding a trade and wound up in the Big Apple.
Now, two stars with big-time games have to make it work. There’s only one problem:
They don’t have any other help.
Audiences agree that Imperfect Strangers is a fun-filled romp through an NBA season. Watch as Carmelo Anthony and Amar’e Stoudemire learn how to play with one another, and more importantly, adjust to playing for a team that has no other options on the roster.
Imperfect Strangers. Learning to play nice would be easier if more than two guys could actually play.
Starring: Carmelo Anthony, Amar’e Stoudemire
This film is not yet rated
In every group of friends, there is "That Guy."
The guy who calls "down-up-down" immediately after everyone finishes their cheeseburgers.
The guy who thinks it will be a good idea to tell the girl you just started dating about the time you dressed up like Little John for a Black and White party because you didn’t know what it was, and ended up getting bashed in the face by the chalice you brought to the party after offending everyone in attendance.
That guys sucks. But you've never met Ben Roethlisberger.
Big Ben has a good job that has brought him fame and fortune. But his shenanigans off-the-field are driving his friends nuts and generally making them ashamed to hang out with him.
This summer, if you think your friends are jerks, you’ve got another thing coming.
Ben Roethlisberger is That Guy. Coming to a sleazy dive bar near you soon.
Starring: Ben Roethlisberger, Ben Roethlisberger’s lawyer
Rated: U (Ugh)
Coming to a golf course near you soon.
Starring: Dwight Howard
Rated: CGOTH (Can’t Get Over the Hump)
In the Bible, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse represent Conquest, War, Famine and Death.
In Philadelphia, The Four Horses—a gathering of dominant pitchers—represent victory.
Conquest: Roy Halladay. Good luck protecting the plate as Halladay dominates it with his arsenal of wicked pitches.
War: Roy Oswalt. With his array of power pitches and veteran savvy, Roy Oswalt brings war and suffering to all hitters he faces.
Famine: Cliff Lee. Hitters everywhere are left hungry for hits as the crafty Lee refuses to offer them anything to feast on.
Death: Cole Hamels. With a change-up that leaves bats flailing and left for dead, Cole Hamels has no problem putting hitters to rest.
The Four Horses: Harbingers of doom for the National League.
Starring: Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels
Rated: A (Awesome)
It isn’t easy being Alex Ovechkin. Most know him as one of the NHL’s greatest players, the rare breed of pure talent and gritty desire.
But there is a side of Ovechkin that people will never see, a secret life he is burdened with.
You see, Ovechkin is also one of the world’s greatest snipers, sent on missions in the off-season to eliminate Russia’s many enemies.
And frankly, Ovechkin is starting to feel lonely.
From the studio that brought you Confessions of a Dangerous Mind comes the heart-wrenching story of a man who feels all alone.
You don’t know what what lonely is until you play with teammates that never seem to show up when it matters, and spend your off-season alone, staring through the scope of a high-powered rifle.
Alex Ovechkin is The Lonely Sniper.
Starring: Alex Ovechkin, Sam Rockwell
Rated: BTC (Better Than Crosby)
All Kobe Bryant wanted was a seventh championship. But when it became apparent that nobody else on the Lakers had half of the heart he did, Kobe did the only other thing he knew how to do:
Retiring from basketball years before expected, Bryant dedicated his life to becoming the best Samba dancer the world had ever seen.
But when Andrew Bynum—an old teammate from his Lakers days—decided to follow in his footsteps, everything got weird.
From director Darren Aronofsky comes the dark tale of two men learning to Samba despite their many trust issues. Critics agree that Aronofsky’s twisted story will take you to the murky recesses of your mind you normally ignore.
The Black Samba: It takes two to Samba.
Starring: Kobe Bryant, Andrew Bynum
Rated: KIITLRD (Keep It In the Locker Room, Dude)
In a world where people are able to humiliate themselves in an increasingly concise manner, one man picked the wrong battle.
Meet Rashard Mendenhall, a running back for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Mendenhall is a pretty regular guy, or at least he was, until he decided to broadcast his thoughts about Osama Bin Laden and September 11th via Twitter.
Critics are hailing The Twitter Riddler as a fascinating think piece on the balance between the First Amendment rights of celebrities and their marketability after airing their opinions.
As Mendenhall loses endorsement deals from companies such as Champion, the audience is forced to confront questions such as, “Shouldn’t you do a bit of research before you Tweet something like that?” Or, “Does the mainstream media realize just how many people actually think like Mendenhall?”
The Twitter Riddler: Because you’re only 140 characters away from losing everything.
Starring: Rashard Mendenhall
Rated: SOABKTY (Some Opinions are Best Kept to Yourself)
In Gotham City, Bruce Wayne was a wealthy playboy by day and the Caped Crusader by night.
In New York City, Derek Jeter was a wealthy playboy by day and one of baseball’s brightest stars by night.
But that all changed when he met Minka Kelly.
From the studio that brought you How to be a Player comes the romantic comedy about a man who literally dated every hot and famous chick ever during his Hall of Fame career, but decided to settle down with Kelly.
You’ll agree that Kelly is amazing as the super-hot girlfriend who can’t help but deal with some jealousy issues because her boyfriend dated every hot woman she sees on television or in the movies.
This summer, Bat Man is staying in the cave.
Starring: Derek Jeter, Minka Kelly, so many gorgeous woman I’m not even going to bother listing them
Rated: HITM (He is the Man)
When Dwyane Wade, LeBron James and Chris Bosh joined forces in Miami to form a super team, excitement ran high.
But quietly, one man is starting to feel slighted.
While Wade and James are considered top-five players in the NBA, Bosh is often considered a second-tier option on the Heat, which is totally unfair, he thinks, "because it’s supposed be Miami Thrice, not Miami Twice!"
Not only that, but Wade and James are all, like, super buddy-buddy, and Bosh is like, “Hey man, I wanna be buddy-buddy too!”
From the studio that brought you Dinner For Schmucks comes the hilarious tale of a one goofy guy trying to maintain his own sliver of the spotlight.
This summer, Chris Bosh is done being Miami Nice!
Starring: Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James
Rated: YKIT (You Know It’s True)
As a young quarterback, Donovan McNabb had the rare power to elude the grasp of defenders by disappearing, reappearing again once he entered the end zone.
But as McNabb grew older, something curious began to happen—he lost control of his gift, suddenly disappearing during key moments with the game hanging in the balance.
Critics are hailing The Disappearing Man as “a fascinating retelling of the Achilles myth,” and a “tragic reminder for Eagles fans everywhere of what might have been.”
This summer, Donovan McNabb is The Disappearing Man.
Now you see him, now you don’t.
Starring: Donovan McNabb
Rated: D (Disappointing)
Phil Jackson is one of the most successful NBA coaches in history, well-renowned for his ability to work with talented and egotistical superstars. His nickname is "The Zen Master," though it could probably be "The Pyschologist."
But not even Phil Jackson understands what goes through the mind of Ron Artest.
So when Jackson walks into a closet one day and discovers a portal leading into the mind of Artest, he can’t pass up the opportunity to take a look around and make a few minor tweaks.
But the experiment backfires. Jackson is suddenly filled with the urge to say strange things, commit unnecessary fouls, and randomly brawl with strangers.
But things get really weird when Artest learns of the portal and enters it himself, leading to multiple fights with everybody he sees, all of whom look exactly like him and only say “Artest.”
From director Spike Jonze comes this summer’s most twisted tale, Being Ron Artest.
Ever wanted to be a crazy dude?
Starring: Ron Artest, Phil Jackson
Rated: WTF (WTF)