The 20 Funniest Potential Jobs for Locked out NFL Players
The NFL Players Association decertified and filed an antitrust suit against the NFL. The NFL owners responded by declaring a lockout against the NFLPA.
And Chad Ochocinco has decided to give soccer a try.
Wait, what?
That's right, soccer. Major League Soccer's Sporting Kansas City had decided to give Ochocinco a four-day tryout. If it sounds like a publicity stunt by Ochocinco, well, it probably is.
But it raises an interesting question: What will NFL players do during the lockout? Aren't you wondering what Tom Brady, or Terrell Owens, or James Harrison will be doing with their downtime? How will Big Ben keep himself occupied (stay out of trouble)?
20 players. 20 perfect jobs. It's as much entertainment as a lockout could offer.
Tom Brady: Author
1 of 20
So it seems pretty safe to assume that Tom Brady is doing just fine on the money front. Which means a lockout offers him a chance to finish the autobiography he has surely been working on.
"The Tom Brady Story: Is There Anybody the American Male Would Rather Be?"
Uh, no Tom, you've got it made. Chapters from the book will include:
- Gisele, Plus Me, Will Equal the Most Attractive Children Ever
- Three Super Bowl Victories, but Only Two Super Bowl MVP Awards? Seriously?
- You Wish, Bieber
Obviously, the book will be a New York Times Bestseller, and critics will hail it as the greatest autobiography by a sports figure, ever. At least until Peyton Manning writes his own and opens up the debate.
Terrell Owens: MTV's Jersey Shore
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Sure, Terrell Owens isn't Italian. But hey, neither are Snooki (Chilean) or JWoww (Spanish and Irish).
I mean, wouldn't you pay to watch this? How amazing would it be to see TO giving a drunk, crying testimonial?
"It's unfair. It's unfair. That's my (sniffle) Situation, man. That's my (sniffle) boy."
Also, I wonder how TO would react to The Situation completely bombing on the Donald Trump Roast. How painful was that?
MTV, if you are reading this (you aren't), this would be huge. I would buy the season on DVD for the additional footage. This needs to happen.
Brett Keisel: The Beard
3 of 20
In February, Brett Keisel shaved off his incredible beard for charity, which he had been growing since June for good luck during the Steelers' season.
It was a fine gesture to hold a charity event and shave the beard. But darn it all if I don't miss that magical beard.
So Brett, grow back the beard and become a lumberjack. Or a trucker. Or a big-game hunter. I'm sure you would make an incredible spokesmen for Brawny Paper Towels.
Shoot, you could even start an indie band. On second thought, please don't do that—we loved you for your non-ironic beard.
Do whatever you like, you have options. But please bring back the beard.
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Randy Moss: NASCAR
4 of 20
As you may know, Moss owns Randy Moss Motorsports, which competes in the NASCAR truck series. And he sounds committed to the endeavor, so that should fill his time.
But if Randy Moss isn’t a team player and starts with his usual antics, will Randy Moss be forced to release Randy Moss from Randy Moss Motorsports?
Stay tuned.
Eli Manning: Glee
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The way I see it, if Peyton can do Saturday Night Live, why can't Eli do Glee? Obviously, the acting gene isn't all that far behind the quarterbacking gene in the Manning's DNA.
Actually, I have no idea whether Eli can dance, sing or act well enough to become a cast member of Glee.
I just think he looks like he is in high school.
And so do you.
Steve Johnson: Minister
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Perhaps you recall this Tweet after Steve Johnson dropped what would have been the game-winning touchdown in overtime against the Steelers in November:
""I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."
"
Johnson would later attempt to clear things up with the following Tweets:
""I learned A lot Within 24hrs. Saw Both Sides.(Ups&Dwns) I AM HAPPY & THANKFUL 4 YESTERDAY! w/out Sunday iWldnt have grew closer w/The Lord!!"
"And No I Did Not Blame God People! Seriously??!? CMon! I Simply Cried Out And Asked Why? Jus Like yal did wen sumthin went wrong n ur life!"
"
Not only should Steve Johnson become a minister, but he should probably be sainted for becoming the first man ever to directly interact with God through Twitter.
Ben Roethlisberger: Magician
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Ben Roethlisberger, a magician? What is that all about?
Hear me out. For one, Roethlisberger has been known to pull a rabbit out of his hat late in games. He can escape from the clutches of danger with relative ease.
And, to top it off, he can make criminal charges disappear!
Yeah, I went there.
But a word of warning to the ladies: If Big Ben asks for a volunteer to enter a large box for his "Cut a Woman in Half" trick, head to the exit. Immediately.
Yeah, I also went there.
Michael Vick: Shoe Salesman
8 of 20
While we are on the topic of controversial quarterbacks, I for one think it would be spectacular if Michael Vick became a shoe salesmen.
At the Hush Puppies outlet.
What, too soon?
In all honesty, I feel a little bit guilty about this joke. I mean, the man seems legitimately sorry for the decisions he made and appears to have made a concerted effort to be a better quarterback, teammate, and man.
But yeah—Hush Puppies. I mean, how funny would that be?
Albert Haynesworth: Human Statue
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I don't know if Albert Haynesworth is into art, but I have a fantastic art project for him: Become a human statue.
Imagine walking into an art gallery and there is Haynesworth, totally glossed over in silver paint, just standing there, never moving.
I'll bet Haynesworth could charge art galleries huge sums of money to stand in place. I mean, he would be doing nothing and getting paid!
Actually, the lockout wouldn't be much of a change for Haynesworth, would it be?
Jay Cutler: Actor
10 of 20
I know what you're thinking.
"Oh, he's saying Jay Cutler should be an actor because he pretended like he was hurt against the Packers in the playoffs. Cutler is a wuss."
No. That's not what I'm saying at all. In fact, that story was overblown and not only did his teammates support him, but the medical staff said it was their decision to pull him from the game. He tried to play and had difficulty planting when he attempted to throw.
But Cutler does come across as a stand-offish, moody son-of-a-gun.
Which is why I think he would be perfect to co-star next to Kobe Bryant in "Grumpy Old Men 3: Grumpy Before Their Time."
Watch as Jay and Kobe act annoyed during interviews, sulk during press conferences and generally alienate themselves from fans!
What fun.
Williams & Williams: Attorneys at Law
11 of 20
As you may know, both Kevin and Pat Williams have been fighting the NFL in court since 2008 after the NFL announced the two players would be suspended. The pair had tested positive for bumetanide, a diuretic in the supplement StarCaps that is considered a steroid-masking agent by the NFL.
Last month, the Minnesota Court of Appeals refused to prevent the NFL's suspensions.
Still, despite losing this recent case, the Williams Wall has managed to tie up the NFL in litigation for the past three years. So why stop there?
Go to law school, fellas. Lord knows you have a head start on legal proceedings.
Mark Sanchez: Magazine Columnist
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And what better magazine for Mark Sanchez to write for than Seventeen?
Duh.
As you may have heard, Sanchez hooked up with 17-year-old Eliza Kruger on New Year's Eve this year.
Gross?
Yeah.
Illegal?
Not in New Jersey, because the state's age of sexual consent is 16.
So obviously, Sanchez would be perfect to pen a column entitled, "How to Get Older Guys to Like You." I've even taken the liberty of writing the first column for him:
"Send your interests, contact info and several pictures of yourself to jetsquarterbacksix@gmail.com. I'll be sure to get back to you with, uh, personalized advice. Thanks!"
Marshawn Lynch: Seismologist
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Did you know that when Marshawn Lynch blasted his way for a game-clinching, 67-yard touchdown run against the Saints in the playoffs, he actually caused seismic activity?
Lynch's epic run—and more importantly, the crowd's reaction to it at Qwest Field—literally shook the ground so much that the rumblings were recorded at a seismic monitoring station close to the stadium.
How cool is that? If he became a seismologist, he would easily be the coolest one ever. Imagine how excited the other seismologists would be.
"Um, so—wow, I'm really nervous—you're Marshawn Lynch, right? You were that football player who got people so excited they caused a seismic blip, right? Ohmigod, it is so amazing to meet you—you are like a superhero or something. Will you sign this rock for me?"
Jared Allen: Hunting Show
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Jared Allen seems like a pretty wild and crazy guy. At times in his past, probably a bit too wild and crazy, given his three DUI arrests.
Allen is also an avid hunter. You see where I'm going here—give the wild and crazy guy his own hunting show.
"Jared Allen Goes Into the Woods and Shoots Things."
Who wouldn't watch that?
But wait, it gets better—the show should be narrated by Danny McBride's hilarious character, Kenny Powers.
And Powers will just talk about how awesome it is when Allen shoots things, brag about how much deadlier he would be with a rifle and constantly remind fans that he is the more attractive of the two.
You would watch that.
Rex Ryan: Spokesman, Dr. Scholl's
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Alright, so he isn't a player. And yeah, that's a lame joke. But just imagine the commercial....
Random Commercial Actor #1: Hey Rex, are you gellin'?
Rex Ryan: Mmmm, I'm gellin' like a fetish.
Director: Cut! For heaven's sake, Rex, the line is "I'm gellin' like a felon. FELON! We've been here all night because you can't get this line right. I think everyone would like to go home. Alright, Gellin' Like a Felon, take 34. Action!
Random Commercial Actor #1: Hey Rex, are you gellin'?
Rex Ryan: Has anybody ever told you how lovely your feet are?
Director: CUT!!!
Bart Scott: Bounty Hunter
16 of 20
Since we are on the subject of NFL coaches who apparently have foot fetishes (don't you hate it when you end up on that subject?), now would seem the appropriate time to bring up Bart Scott.
Remember when Wes Welker dropped eleven foot references in a press conference before the Patriots faced the Jets in the playoffs? Do you remember Bart Scott's response to Newsweek?
“Be very careful what you say about our coach. His [Welker's] days in a uniform will be numbered. Put it like that.”
A little bit scary, right? Which makes me think Scott would make an amazing bounty hunter. As a linebacker, it is already his job to run around and tackle (maul) opponents. He's obviously got a nasty streak.
If you were a fugitive, would you want this guy coming after you?
I think not.
James Harrison: Tax Collector
17 of 20
James Harrison is tired.
He is tired of paying thousands of dollars in fines because some sissy NFL Commissioner is trying to limit concussions in football. He is tired of being accused of dirty play just because he leads with his helmet when tackling.
He is so tired he almost quit football.
Yeah, right.
But hey, James, if you are sick of being fined, you should turn the tables on everyone. Become a tax collector. Then you can have the last laugh.
Otherwise, please shut up and stop being dirty. Thanks.
Antonio Cromartie: Day Care Center
18 of 20
Antonio Cromartie has nine kids with eight different women. And they are spread out over six states.
Let that one sink in for a moment.
But I have an idea for Cromartie, a way that he can not only gather all of his children in one place, but also give back to the community.
The Cromartie Kids Day Care Center! It's perfect. He can gather all of his rugrats in one place and provide a center for other children in the community so parents have a good place to send their children while they work.
Do the right thing, Cromartie.
And take it easy, man....
Brian Urlacher: Secret Service
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Brian Urlacher should be a Secret Service agent. Or a bouncer. Or an action-movie star. He could probably be Jack Bauer, but better. He might be able to beat up Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't get beaten up. Chuck Norris strikes your fists with his face.
Brian Urlacher could be a professional wrestler. He could be a bodybuilder. He could be a superhuman soldier. He could fight crime using mind bullets.
Brian Urlacher is bald because he willed his hair to fall from his head.
He could become the leader of Hell's Angels because he is a scary dude. He should do whatever it is that scary dudes do.
And obviously, he'll do it better.
Darrelle Revis: Locksmith
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Because he locks down receivers.
Boom!
No, seriously, that's all I got, one measly pun. I mean, with his latest contract extension he could probably invest in a Palm Island on Dubai and pimp it out, Revis Island style.
But until then, you'll have to be happy with locksmith.
Boom!
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