Monday Morning Digest: Can't Look Away from an Unwatchable NFL Sunday

Yuck. 

This was one ugly week of football. All of the major matchups featured the worst that the NFL has to offer: fumbles galore, penalties, field goals, missed field goals, muffed punts, missed tackles and the Los Angeles Rams offense.

If there was an exciting game going on, chances are you weren't watching it: Chargers-Falcons was the game of the week, but most of us missed it because Tom Brady and the Patriots were mopping up Landry Jones and the Steelers at the same time.

Colts-Titans was loopy AFC South fun, but most of the nation was watching Carson Wentz and Sam Bradford (pictured) exchange turnovers or discovering that the Jets' quarterback saga was, once again, much ado about nothing.

But Monday Morning Digest can stomach even the most junkyard-mutt-homely football that the NFL can throw at us. This week's edition:

• Discovers what peak Seahawks-Cardinals football looks like. (Spoiler: It looks like a missed field goal stacked on top of a sack stacked on top of a holding penalty.)
• Introduces you to the new, improved Matthew Stafford.
• Explains why no one wins when two recent Eagles quarterbacks take the field.
• Takes a political exit poll of the Giants playbook.
• Ranks Sunday's least watchable NFL games, because what else are you going to do with them?

And much, much more.

Top Story: Carson Wentz Wins by Surviving

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Eagles quarterback stories never have happy endings. There are always tears, boos, frustrations, trades, cries of "good riddance" and tarnished memories.

When a current Eagles quarterback faces a former Eagles quarterback, it's like Rocky Balboa facing off against himself: The result is more likely to be a hard-fought life lesson than a glittering triumph.

So when Sam Bradford returned to Philadelphia to face Carson Wentz, it was clear from the start that there would be no "winner" in the traditional sense, just a survivor.

Wentz, the Eagles' hotshot rookie coming off back-to-back losses, prevailed over Bradford in a 21-10 alley brawl.

Wentz threw two first-quarter interceptions. He fumbled three times, losing one. He struggled with the basics of the shotgun snap. He finished with 138 passing yards and one touchdown. It was a performance that can be charitably characterized as "gritty," good enough to win on a day when Bradford (four fumbles, one interception) was worse.

That's the way NFL football is being played in 2016: charitably gritty might as well be the league's slogan. The team that makes the fewest mistakes doesn't necessarily win, not with so many teams making so many mistakes every week. The team that best capitalizes on its opponent's mistakes is the one that will win.

If the opponent muffs a punt, as the usually reliable Marcus Sherels did for the Vikings, you had better pounce on it.

If its offensive tackles are injured, as the Vikings tackles were, you better attack the edge the way Brandon Graham and Connor Barwin did for the Eagles.

To Wentz's credit, he didn't fall apart after coughing up three first-quarter turnovers in the span of seven plays. He led a two-minute drill before halftime, a crisp 77-yard touchdown drive in the third quarter and a slow clock-killer in the fourth. He ran for a fourth-down conversion. He managed and endured against a defense that made Cam Newton, Eli Manning and Aaron Rodgers look like rookies early in the year.

Wentz also endeared himself a little more to the hearts of the Philly phaithful, just in time for his rookie showdown with Dak Prescott and the hated Cowboys this coming Sunday night.

Prescott has enjoyed a lot of smooth sailing against opponents who were battered into submission by his offensive line and running game. He may not know what Wentz now knows about winning ugly.

That could make a difference. Because in today's NFL, the football is rarely pretty, and winning over the long haul is all about survival.

Digestible Nuggets: Getting Ugly

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This week's Digestible Nuggets continues the theme of ugly football by ranking Sunday's least enjoyable games:

7. Raiders 33, Jaguars 16 (seven field goals, 24 total penalties). Fans tuning in to see a wild-and-woolly shootout between two teams loaded with young offensive talent quickly discovered that: a) Derek Carr is not as good as he appeared to be at the start of the season; and b) Blake Bortles is actually pretty terrible. Redeeming Quality: A pair of meaningless late touchdowns pushed the game past the 47.5 over/under, per Odds Shark.

6. Buccaneers 34, 49ers 17 (general Bucs-49ers messiness). This is how every 49ers game will play out until they eventually fire everyone: The team will start out with one good drive, the opponent will figure out Chip Kelly's five-play game plan and force three-and-outs, the run defense will wear out and give up 249 yards to running backs you thought were no longer in the NFL, and the 49ers' offensive highlight reel will consist mostly of Colin Kaepernick scrambling while the team trails by double digits. For extra ugliness, the 49ers muffed a punt this week when a blocker bumped into return man Jeremy Kerley. It was one of two fumbled punts in the game. Hooray. Redeeming Quality: Most of the country didn't see it.

5. Lions 20, Redskins 17 (three field goals, two missed field goals, an end-zone fumble for a touchback, a 10-3 score entering the fourth quarter). The enduring images of the first 50 minutes of this game were: a) terrible field-goal attempts; b) Matthew Stafford bouncing passes off the backs of defenders' helmets and into his receivers' arms; and c) Kirk Cousins repeatedly slipping and falling, often when handing off, sometimes ending up trying to wedge the football into his running back's athletic supporter. Redeeming Quality: The final 10 minutes were genuinely exciting.

4. Dolphins 28, Bills 25 (19 penalties, 12 punts, 425 total passing yards). Two teams that don't trust their passing games at all entered the game trying to win by handing off until their running backs collapsed from exhaustion. LeSean McCoy gave up after just 11 rushing yards due to pre-existing injuries, while Jay Ajayi (pictured) hammered out 214 yards (his second straight 200-yard effort!) before keeling over with a late-game injury of his own. Redeeming Quality: You won't be hearing the Rex Ryan for Coach of the Year nonsense for a while.

3. Eagles 21, Vikings 10 (eight total turnovers). Sam Bradford had the ball knocked out of his hands by pass-rushers so often that it looked like a staple of the Vikings playbook. The Eagles and Vikings committed five consecutive turnovers before 1:30 p.m. ET. Redeeming Quality: The Bradford-for-MVP talk was as disorienting as the Ryan-for-Coach of the Year talk.

2. Giants 17, Rams 10 (15 punts, five turnovers). All of the good things the Rams did took place before 7 a.m. PT. Redeeming Quality: Game ended relatively quickly.

1. Seahawks 6, Cardinals 6. See next slide! Redeeming Quality: At least you knew going in that it was going to look like two cavemen pummeling each other with stone axes.

Game Spotlight: Seahawks 6, Cardinals 6. Seriously.

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What Happened 

It was the football equivalent of trying to saw through an oak tree with safety scissors.

The Seahawks offense was no match for the Cardinals defense. On the defensive line, Chandler Jones and others manhandled Seahawks left blocking sled Bradley Sowell. In the secondary, Patrick Peterson shut down Doug Baldwin. What meager offensive success the Seahawks experienced was ruined by bad field position, penalties or both.

The Cardinals were better able to move the ball thanks to the rugged running and receiving of David Johnson. But situational errors—a blocked field goal, a sack that knocked them out of field-goal range before halftime, a 4th-and-short stuff—held the Cardinals to just three points. A blocked punt gave the Seahawks the field position they needed to tie the game without doing anything that remotely resembled moving the ball.

In overtime, the Cardinals and Seahawks traded field goals on their first drives, meaning the next not-missed field goal would win it. After Johnson got stuffed on a pair of plays near the Seattle goal line, Bruce Arians turned matters over to his nightmare factory of a field-goal unit. Chandler Catanzaro's field goal doinked off an upright, and an NFL Sunday that began at 9:30 a.m. on the East Coast became an NFL Monday morning.

The Seahawks then drove down the field with time running out, as they have so many times in the last four years. It was time for their own chip-shot field goal. But the football gods are angry at us for some reason, so Steven Hauschka missed a 28-yarder left, and futility cast its long shadow upon the NFL landscape like a Lovecraft monster.

What It Means 

Both the Seahawks and Cardinals were plagued by familiar problems. The Seahawks cannot protect Russell Wilson, who cannot scramble well enough to manufacture big plays because of a sprained knee. The Cardinals special teams continue to sabotage the rest of the team, Carson Palmer appears to have lost some heat off his deep fastball, and short-yardage situations are a nagging problem.

There is no real separation between the traditional NFC contenders and a long list of upstart teams. Some team that blocks, tackles, takes care off the football and can kick straight could easily rise to the top of the pack, whether that team is the Falcons, Cowboys, Redskins or someone we haven't noticed yet.

What's Next 

Cardinals-Panthers, Seahawks-Saints. Both games looked much more interesting when the schedules came out. All NFL games looked much more interesting when the schedules came out.

Player Spotlight: Matt Forte, Running Back, Jets

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What He Did 

Matt Forte has made a long career of quietly stabilizing the offenses of teams with high expectations but disappointing, overpriced quarterbacks.

So when Geno Smith responded to what could be his final starting opportunity by suffering a knee injury, forcing Ryan Fitzpatrick into the game so the Jets could once again confront their quarterback shame, Forte provided 154 total yards and two touchdowns on 30 runs and four catches.

The Ravens obligingly turned the ball over three straight times in their own territory in the second half, so Forte's sturdy running and crafty receiving were enough to lift the Jets to a 24-16 victory.

What It Means 

Very little, really.

The Geno-Fitzpatrick juggling act makes it clear the quarterback of the Jets' immediate future is not currently on the roster. The 30-year-old Forte can help the Jets grunt out wins against weaker opponents, but their need to give him 30 carries demonstrates there is no running back of the immediate future on the roster, either.

Forte will keep doing what he did for the Bears late in his career: playing hard and generating fantasy yardage for a directionless team stuck halfway between a spending splurge and a rebuilding program.

Gosh, that's depressing. But imagine how much worse it would be without Forte. 

What's Next 

Jets quarterback drama is good for the economy! Maybe they can lend Bryce Petty to the poor Browns next week. Also: No matter how silly Jets-Browns gets, Forte will do his job with dignity.

Game Spotlight: Patriots 27, Steelers 16

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What Happened 

Tom Brady faced Landry Jones.

We could go on and on with a game summary, but that's what happened: a Hall of Famer faced Ben Roethlisberger's not-quite-journeyman backup.

Sammie Coates left early in the game after reinjuring his hand, leaving Jones strapped for weapons. Antonio Brown and Le'Veon Bell churned out 268 total yards, and the Steelers defense forced several three-and-outs to keep things close.

Still, Brady had his full complement of weapons, so he hit Rob Gronkowski (4-93-1) for big plays, Julian Edelman (9-60-0) for little ones and gave the ball to LeGarrette Blount (24-127-2) for red-zone and clock-munching dirty work.

What It Means 

Despite one terrible red-zone interception, Jones played just well enough under difficult circumstances to give Steelers fans hope that he can manage at least post-bye victories against the Ravens and Browns. (The Cowboys, sandwiched between the division foes, will be a tougher test.)

But the Steelers have worries that go beyond the quarterback position. The run defense was gouged for the second straight week. Chris Boswell missed a pair of field goals, including a 42-yarder. You don't want to go into a Ravens slopfest with a shaky kicker.

Speaking of shaky kickers, Stephen Gostkowski missed another extra point. This is starting to become a problem. Maybe the Patriots' only problem.

What's Next 

The Steelers get a bye. The Patriots get revenge on the Bills for what happened when Brady was suspended. That's gonna hurt.

Player Spotlight: Matthew Stafford, Quarterback, Lions

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What He Did

Matthew Stafford's numbers weren't overwhelming: 266 passing yards, one touchdown, 32 rushing yards. But Stafford led a six-play, 75-yard touchdown drive with 1:05 on the clock, completing passes to Marvin Jones and Andre Roberts and scrambling for 14 yards before delivering a game-winning touchdown strike to Anquan Boldin.

Most of the Lions' 20-17 win over Washington was ugly, but that final drive was gorgeous.

What It Means 

Wait a minute. Stafford scrambled for significant yardage? Stafford got the ball to his second-, third- and fourth-best receivers in a clutch situation?

What happened to the Stafford who stood motionless in the pocket and either waited for Calvin Johnson to escape double coverage or just tossed a dozen hitch-route passes to Golden Tate and hoped for the best?

The Stafford who has the Lions on a three-game winning streak is not the Stafford of old. His season stats are excellent—1,914 yards, a 68.1 percent completion rate, 15 touchdowns, four interceptions—and he's doing it by spreading the ball around.

Thirteen different receivers have caught passes for the Lions. Stafford is more mobile in the pocket and more comfortable getting the ball to backs, tight ends and slot targets such as Boldin. Even the patented Stafford sidearm-sling passes only come at appropriate times, like when Stafford is flushed from the pocket, as opposed to when he used to just seem to throw sidearm now and then to give Megatron a new challenge.

What's Next 

A two-game road trip against the Texans and Vikings. If the Lions win one of those games, particularly the Vikings game, they will enter their bye as legitimate playoff contenders.

Unsung Hero Spotlight: Denzel Perryman, Linebacker, Chargers

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What He Did 

Denzel Perryman, playing through a shoulder injury that at times forced him to the sideline, made a pair of massive late-game plays in the wild Chargers' 33-30 overtime win against the Falcons.

He dropped into deep coverage to intercept a pass intended for Julio Jones in the fourth quarter. He then sliced through the line to stuff Devonta Freeman for a loss on 4th-and-1 in overtime, setting up Josh Lambo's game-winning field goal.

What It Means 

It may be time to get to know the Chargers defense after years of anonymity.

Joey Bosa (two sacks Sunday) is in the process of bursting into superstardom, while rookie linebacker Jatavis Brown had a big game against the Broncos last week. Add second-year pro Perryman to the mix, and the Chargers are stacked with developing playmakers at linebacker to go with a solid mix of veterans: Brandon Mebane and Corey Liuget on the line, Melvin Ingram as an edge-rusher, Casey Hayward and others in the secondary.

The 3-4 Chargers could easily be 5-2 if it weren't for some disastrous fourth-quarter fumbles early in the season. They have now beaten a pair of good teams in the Broncos and Falcons. They're a team on the rise that could easily factor into the AFC playoff situation if Perryman-Bosa-Brown continue to provide heroics.

What's Next 

Another Broncos game. A sweep would provide some recognition outside of San Diego.

Awards Digest

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Defensive Player of the Week: Landon Collins made all the highlight reels and turned the London game around with his two-interception, one-touchdown performance, but let's give the award to someone whose opponent doesn't usually give turnovers away like Halloween candy. Chiefs safety Daniel Sorensen recorded a pick-six, a sack and six total tackles against Drew Brees and a fully functional Saints offense.

Offensive Line of the Week: Jay Ajayi didn't rush for 214 yards this week without help. So let's hear it for the Dolphins' oft-maligned big-name offensive line of Branden Albert, Laremy Tunsil, Mike Pouncey, Ja'Wuan James and Jermon Bushrod. When they are good, they are great. And when they are bad...well, you've seen how Ryan Tannehill's career has gone.

Special Teams Player of the Week: The Eagles' game plan against the Vikings seemed to consist entirely of turning the ball over deep in their own territory until Josh Huff's 98-yard kick return (pictured) took some of the pressure off the offense.

Mystery Touch of the Week: Marcus Mariota connected with left tackle Taylor Lewan for a 10-yard touchdown pass. Titans coach Mike Mularkey claimed in the offseason that the team would play "exotic smashmouth" football. Exotic Smashmouth sounds like the kind of adult social club patronized by people far more adventurous than I am. But apparently it means "fooling the Colts with the same play Tom Brady and Nate Solder used against them in the playoffs two years ago."

Anemic Stat Line of the Week: The Ravens rushed 12 times for six yards. Has any team fired two offensive coordinators in one year?

Jeff Fisher Moment of Clarity: Ol' 7-9 Bullfish knew he was getting too predictable with his fake punts. So on one 4th-and-2 near midfield in the second quarter, Fisher sent punter Johnny Hekker onto the field, then spread the Rams into a fake-punt formation, then sent them back into a punt formation. THE RAMS FAKED A FAKE PUNT. To, like, get the Giants to jump offsides, maybe?

This is where the mental energy that is supposed to be turning Jared Goff into a superstar is going, folks.

Fantasy Digest: London Special!

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That Giants-Rams early game was so excruciating to watch that it made raking the leaves at halftime feel like watching a Seahawks-Patriots Super Bowl. But since we sat through the darn thing, we might as well get some fantasy insights out of it.

Winner: If you have been stashing Jared Goff on the bench since your fantasy draft, you may soon have a useful fantasy backup to show for it. Even Jeff Fisher cannot justify starting Case Keenum after Sunday's four-interception meltdown, and Goff will come off the bye in two weeks to face the Panthers (terrible secondary) and Jets (mediocre everything).

The Rams have enough skill-position talent to make a quarterback look good as he long as he doesn't run straight into defenders for sacks or lob weather balloons directly to cornerbacks the way Keenum does.

Loser: Counting on any Giants offensive player but Odell Beckham Jr. is a bad idea at this point. Sterling Shepard has just 15 catches for 101 yards and zero touchdowns in the last four games. Victor Cruz hasn't caught a touchdown since the season opener and is starting to get a case of the aging-receiver dropsies. The Giants tight ends are Giants tight ends.

Eli Manning throws so many underneath dump-offs behind terrible protection that he has become a poor man's Aaron Rodgers, except that no one asks what's wrong with him, because they just assume he is being Eli Manning.

Committee: Meanwhile, Rashad Jennings (pictured) has taken over as the Giants' featured back, with Paul Perkins and Bobby Rainey sometimes replacing him for a series at a time. (Orleans Darkwa also lurks in the shadows, appropriate for someone whose name sounds like a Doctor Strange villain.)

Jennings got the short-yardage touchdown this week, but none of these backs will be a reliable source of production so long as the only rushing play in the playbook is a shotgun inside zone.

Fluke: It may be tempting to start the Giants defense after its four-turnover, one-touchdown effort in London. But this is still a Steve Spagnuolo defense with nine sacks after seven games.

Leech: We step away from the London game now to point out that Browns fourth-string quarterback Kevin Hogan is not Russell Wilson. Hogan runs about as well as Kirk Cousins with a mild tailwind. His 7-104-1 rushing effort was simply Hue Jackson's way of getting the Browns through another depressing game while simultaneously trolling anyone who hoped for some fantasy production from Terrelle Pryor. 

Final Thoughts: Identifying the Mike, the Sam...and the Donald

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It sure sounded like Eli Manning barked "Trump! Trump!" during one of his pre-snap audibles against the Vikings. Had audibles become political? Was there a "Hillary" call as well? If the Giants planned to switch from a traditional bread-and-butter play into something unpredictable while in London, would Manning shout "Brexit! Brexit!"?

Unfortunately, Manning denied that the Republican presidential candidate has become the new "Omaha" of the Manning family. "We are using something very similar. But there is not a Trump, not an audible we are using," he said, according USA Today's Martin Rogers.

So...Dump? Stump? Shlump? Shlump sure sounds like a plausible play call for the offense the Giants used Sunday. You know how Odell Beckham Jr. lines up as a running back, and everyone on defense knows he's going to catch a swing pass, but the Giants throw it anyway and Beckham gets clobbered for a loss of six? That could be the Shlump call.

Anyway, I crowd-sourced Twitter to ask readers what they thought a "Trump" audible might mean. There were dozens of excellent responses, most of which were a little more overtly political or naughty than the PG-rated Saturday Night Live vibe we strive for here at Digest. The winning entry comes from Josh Cremeans, @NewSouthEngland on Twitter, who posited:

"It must mean some 'bad hombres' are coming. AKA a blitz."

Makes sense. Though if Jeff Fisher's Rams are the ones blitzing, a better audible may be "basket of deplorables."