NFL Week 8: Mike Tanier's Previews and Score Predictions

In this week's Game Previews, we will:

• Go deep inside the mysteries of Andy Dalton's new haircut.

• Discover whether Dez Bryant's return will help the Cowboys or just add a third ring to their circus.

• Learn just what Adrian Peterson is willing to eat to prove his toughness.

• Find out why this is The Last Waltz for Todd Gurley.

• Learn why your great uncle is always ranting about someone named "Heidi" during Jets-Raiders games.

• Help Jim Bob Cooter get under the hood of the Lions offense.

• Experience AFC South football the way we never have before.

And much more, including a battle of undefeated teams!

Game Previews are presented in the order in which you are supposed to read them. All times are Eastern.

Green Bay Packers (6-0) at Denver Broncos (6-0), Sunday, 8:30 p.m.

Stacy Revere/Getty Images

The bye week is a great time for an undefeated team to take stock of its situation and realize that it cannot expect to keep going on this way.

The Broncos cannot keep winning games while Peyton Manning surrenders an ever-increasing number of interceptions. The Packers cannot keep winning games while losing a playmaker per week to injury.

It's not about going undefeated; it's about demonstrating Super Bowl worthiness and making sure you show up for the playoffs with enough warm bodies to take the field and having a quarterback who can still throw 30 yards downfield without a running start and a tall glass of Metamucil.

Both teams spent the bye week getting healthier. Eddie Lacy is healthier now than he was two weeks ago. So is C.J. Anderson. Key defenders are expected back, including safety Morgan Burnett for the Packers and pass-rusher DeMarcus Ware for the Broncos. Most critically, the Packers expect Davante Adams to return. Every receiving weapon is critical for a team that was reduced to relying on Jeff Janis and Justin Perillo to beat the Chargers.

Both teams also focused on quality control during the bye. For the Packers, that meant (in part) scouting the empty backfield formations teams have used against them to make them reveal their coverage concepts. Manning may not have his fastball anymore, but he can still spread the field and exploit a coverage weakness.

The Broncos focused on avoiding encroachment penalties—and the Aaron Rodgers bombs that inevitably follow, according to Jeff Legwold's report for ESPN.com. Legwold's article contains a long list of big plays Rodgers produced on "free downs," as well as some mistakes by the Broncos defense that opponents such as the Browns exploited. In what promises to be a defensive battle, one nothing-to-lose shot down the field could be the margin of victory.

"I think that the phrase of 'chasing perfection and accepting excellence' is the reality of this game," Mike McCarthy said early in the week, via Michael Cohen of the Journal-Sentinel.

Undefeated teams may have it harder than weak ones during the bye: There aren't as many obvious, easily correctable flaws to hammer on in pursuit of perfection. The best quarterback in the NFL right now faces one of the best in history, with Manning in Green Bay threatening to tie Brett Favre's all-time mark for quarterback wins, but the real story is in the details: whose ankle has healed, who tips a coverage, who jumps at the line of scrimmage.

As big as this game is, there feels like little is at stake. The loser is still a playoff team. There are no tiebreaker ramifications. We will talk about the "vulnerability" of the losing team on Monday (and the "unstoppable" nature of the winner), but all NFL teams are vulnerable. We need to focus on progress, not just the result of this game.

Do Rodgers' weapons look threatening? Can the Broncos run the ball? What percentage of Manning's passes look like Manning passes?

The Packers are more balanced and less reliant on defensive big plays. They will get a bigger boost from returning starters. They will make Manning wait another week to tie Favre. The loss won't cripple the Broncos or vindicate the Packers. It will only show which team is doing a better job of chasing perfection.

Prediction: Packers 23, Broncos 21

Cincinnati Bengals (6-0) at Pittsburgh Steelers (4-3), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Bill Wippert/Associated Press

Ben Roethlisberger is expected back Sunday. He has been practicing and is eager to return, and only an unforeseen flare-up in his bad knee will keep him out of the action.

The following Steelers are not expected back Sunday: Troy Polamalu, Casey Hampton Jr., Jason Worilds, Ike Taylor or any competent, experienced defensive back. So while Roethlisberger's return superficially suggests that life has returned to normal atop the AFC North (give or take the Ravens), these are not the same Steelers who have won eight of their last 10 games against the Bengals.

Give the Steelers credit for grunting out a pair of wins in Roethlisberger's absence. The team did much more than stay afloat in the standings and prompted some Wildcat nostalgia.

Tough wins with backup quarterbacks are great for the program. They help young players develop and force coaches to adapt and break tendencies. The inexperienced, understaffed Steelers defense played solid games against the Chargers and Cardinals, as well as in the overtime loss to the Ravens. That defense is much better than it was when the Patriots punished them for not knowing where to line up.

But the Steelers defense is still not very good, as Alex Smith proved when he picked it apart with the help of a pop-gun supporting cast. The Steelers' pass rush is inconsistent at best, their cornerbacks lack experience and instincts, and opponents can successfully run between the tackles. A good offense should be able to impose its will on the Steelers, and the Bengals have a very good offense.

The Bengals enjoyed the quiet bye week of the undefeated. There weren't even any real injuries to worry about, forcing ESPN.com's Coley Harvey to ask a pressing question: Has Andy Dalton's new hairstyle turned the Bengals around?

Yes, Dalton has a new 'do: a kind of modern-day pompadour that makes him look like a Halloween hipster pumpkin. The missus likes it, which is all that matters. "It's a good 'do," Jordan Dalton told Harvey. "I had a little bit of encouragement, but he's pretty hands-on with his hair, too."

(Note to wives everywhere: When discussing your husband with reporters, try to avoid the phrase "hands-on with his hair.")

That settles it: The Bengals' success has much to do with great health and a balanced roster and nothing to do with Dalton's tangerine-flavored-Lyle Lovett hands-on manscaping. Look for Dalton to have a good passing day and a good hair day. Roethlisberger's return may spark a Steelers run, but it will take more than Big Ben to beat the best NFL team on the field this Sunday.

Prediction: Bengals 28, Steelers 24

Seattle Seahawks (3-4) at Dallas Cowboys (2-4), Sunday, 4:25 p.m.

Associated Press

Last season's 30-23 win over the Seahawks felt like a turning point for the Cowboys. They owned the line of scrimmage and imposed their will on offense in that game, rushing for 162 yards and controlling the clock for nearly 38 minutes against a defense that hadn't looked vulnerable in nearly two years.

The Cowboys had won big games and put up gaudy numbers many times before during the Tony Romo era, but the win over the Seahawks looked more like a validation than the typical brief explosion. It changed the Cowboys storyline. They were no longer a collection of offensive superstars cobbled together by a flighty billionaire who got bored before he filled out the depth chart. They were a team with a foundation and a plan, built from the ground up by drafting offensive linemen and playing a no-nonsense brand of football.

Just over one year later, the plan is out the window and all of the nonsense is back. You are probably abreast of the Greg Hardy situation. According to David Moore of the Dallas Morning News, the Cowboys' latest enablement efforts involved a closed-door meeting with Charles Haley, Hall of Famer and unofficial team counselor whose bad behavior 20 years ago was the result of an undiagnosed bipolar disorder, not the feeling of entitlement that comes from always getting away with antisocial behavior.

Mentorship is better than nothing, but if the Cowboys think Hardy's problems are similar to Haley's, they should, perhaps, consult a doctor. Otherwise, maybe a little employer discipline is in order.

Running back Joseph Randle left team headquarters midweek to clear his head about losing the starting job to Darren McFadden. Randle is also facing potential league discipline for a February violation of the personnel conduct policy. It wasn't the best time to dash off in a snit. Perhaps Randle heard that the Cowboys planned to extend Hardy's contract after Sunday's sideline tirade and figured that if he behaved badly enough the team would buy him a Porsche.

Dez Bryant is the latest savior expected to ride to the Cowboys' rescue. He caught four passes for 63 yards (on 10 targets) in last year's Seahawks game, and it was interpreted as a victory over Richard Sherman because some fans think "shutdown cornerback" means "infallible superhuman." Bryant's return will certainly help. But the whole point behind last year's win over the Seahawks—behind last year's Cowboys season—is that the team is supposed to have moved beyond the point of needing one-man franchise-saving heroics.

The 2014 Cowboys made us think that they could weather a few weeks without Romo and at least post a win or two, that they were disciplined trench warriors and not reality show characters bouncing from quick fix to quick fix. The 2015 Cowboys are showing us that last year was a mirage and that the organization is not as organized as it briefly looked.

Maybe things would be different if Romo were playing. He's not. And until he returns, no one else matters for the Cowboys. The problem is that the Cowboys may feel the same way.

Prediction: Seahawks 22, Cowboys 13

Detroit Lions (1-6) vs. Kansas City Chiefs (2-5) in London, Sunday, 9:30 a.m.

Leon Halip/Getty Images

Jim Bob Cooter sounds like the name of the host of Wildest NASCAR Infield Brawls, but in fact it's the name of the new Lions offensive coordinator. Cooter played quarterback at Tennessee and spent a few years rising slowly through the Colts and Broncos coaching staffs, but his resume reads more like "Peyton Manning's pool cleaner" than play-caller for an offense that reached the playoffs last year. Still, desperate times, etc.

Cooter was even arrested for an incident that would be hysterical in a Jonah Hill movie but is actually horrifyingly invasive in real life. At least Cooter is much older and wiser now than he was during that long-ago alleged incident. Actually, the arrest was in 2009, and Cooter is only 31. Let's…let's just focus on the game for now.

Cooter's job is to repair the Lions offense, which has run like an old Dodge Charger that jumped one too many backwoods gullies all season. Here's a little advice for Cooter, with analysis drawn from the Football Outsiders database:

• Calvin Johnson has been targeted 31 times on first down but just 18 times on third down. Golden Tate has been targeted 13 times on first down but 22 times on third down. Perhaps the Lions should be less single-minded on first down and more dedicated to using the best player on the field on third downs.

• Football Outsiders ranks the Lions as the worst second-down rushing team and the second-worst third-down passing team in the NFL. The Lions average just 2.45 yards per rush on second down, which is a great way to set up perpetual 3rd-and-long situations. If the Lions cannot run on second down, they should take deep shots. Matthew Stafford is 5-of-9 on deep passes on second downs. It is not immediately clear why a rifle-armed quarterback with two top receivers has only thrown nine passes of 15 or more yards in 149 second-down opportunities. Maybe that's the part of the playbook all the opponents figured out.

• Eric Ebron has made big catches against tough defenses (Broncos, Seahawks, Vikings) in his last three games. He is developing into the deep threat the Lions were hoping for. Unfortunately, he blocks as well as a non-updated spam filter. If the Lions fear a third-down blitz—and they really should against the Chiefs—Cooter should think: Ebron could gain 30 yards on a slant after a hot read instead of maybe Ebron can block Justin Houston for three or four seconds while Johnson goes deep.

These little adjustments can get the Lions through his first week. Cooter can then set about proving that he's more than a good ol' Peyton hanger-on.

Prediction: Lions 24, Chiefs 13

New York Giants (4-3) at New Orleans Saints (3-4), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Julio Cortez/Associated Press

The Giants will soon have a key starter back who suffered a freak offseason injury.

Yes, we are speaking of left tackle Will Beatty, who injured himself while lifting weights during OTAs. Beatty has been working out with the scout team and practicing in pads. He remained on the PUP list as of press time but may take the field sooner than Jason Pierre-Paul, whose triumphant return from a severe hand injury (Game Previews congratulates itself for admirable restraint on this topic) has gotten all of the attention.

Pierre-Paul will not return this week, but his presence has already made a difference for the Giants, at least according to Mark Cannizzaro of the New York Post. "It was great just to see him in the meetings, just to be in the building at all," linebacker Mark Herzlich told Cannizzaro. "Honestly, as a guy, I could care less that he plays or not. I just am happy that he's OK and he's in this locker room with his family."

That doesn't exactly sound like the quote of someone ready to breathe fire because the teammate who suffered a serious self-inflicted offseason injury then disappeared for several months is once again hitting the tackling dummies. If you want to get a tepid quote from a football player, ask him if he feels inspired by the presence of someone who isn't playing. The returns of both Pierre-Paul and Beatty will make a difference for a team that has worked hard to win games without them, but let's not try to measure their impact until they actually play a few snaps.

There is not much going on in Saints news. It feels like they haven't played a real NFL game in months, but that's not really true: They played on Thursday night two weeks ago, and last week they faced the Colts.

Prediction: Giants 28, Saints 24

San Francisco 49ers (2-5) at St. Louis Rams (3-3), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Michael B. Thomas/Getty Images

Todd Gurley is rapidly developing into one of the NFL's brightest stars. He's also the only good thing happening for the Rams on offense right now. How's he holding up under…"The Weight"? Cue The Band:

"

Pulled in to Rams camp, was feelin' not all that swell.

I just need some place where I can mend my ACL.

"Hey, Fisher, can you tell me where a man might rest a spell?"

He just grinned, gave me a ball and said, "Go and give 'em hell."

Chorus:

Take a load off Gurley.

Take a ride for free.

Take a load off Gurley.

And (And, AND!) you put the load right on me.

Picked up the ball, went lookin' for a place to run.

Got chased by six or seven Cardinals and was sore when I was done.

I said "Greg! Jamon! You fellas must weigh a ton!"

They said, "We ain't got a clue. But watching you sure is fun."

Chorus: Take a load off Gurley…

Go down Nick Foles-es, before you give the ball away.

If you don't fumble, we at least can run another play.

I said "Hey, Tavon! C'mon, take a shot downtown."

He said "I don't go deep. All I do is run around."

Chorus: Take a load of Gurley…

Crazy Kroenke followed me, and he caught me along the away.

He said "I will make you a star if you help us get to L.A."

I said "Wait a minute, Mister. You know I'm an honest man."

He said "That's OK son. Grab a shovel if you can."

Chorus: Take a load of Gurley…

I may be a bowling ball, but I'm beginnin' to feel the pain.

Dragging this offense along is startin' to really strain.

This load is so heavy that it feels a little like a curse.

Then I look across at the Niners and know that things could be worse.

Chorus: Take a load of Gurley…

"

Prediction: Rams 23, 49ers 10

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-4) at Atlanta Falcons (6-1), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

Matt Ryan told reporters that he was healthy this week, squelching rumors and speculation that his sometimes fluttery or off-target passes were the result of an unmentioned bout of tendinitis or a balky rotator cuff.

D. Orlando Ledbetter's Atlanta Journal-Constitution article quotes Ryan at length as he goes into detail about specific plays, including fourth-down incompletions and end-zone mistakes. Ryan's mini-slump—four interceptions and an un-Ryan-like 61.3 percent completion rate in the last three games—is the result of small timing and execution errors by a team that is still mastering a new offense.

The real problem may be that Ryan has not had time to scan the field and throw the ball in more than two years. He is not used to having the chance to do his job properly. After two seasons of hastily going through as many reads as possible before getting clobbered and firing a desperate fastball at Julio Jones, he may be having trouble adjusting. It's like driving an old beater for two years and then sitting down behind the wheel of a modern luxury sedan. You are likely to spend a few weeks oversteering, giving it a little too much gas or forgetting that you don't have to put your feet through the floorboards to brake.

Ryan's discomfort with being comfortable could be a problem against the Buccaneers defense. The tighter the game, the more likely the Buccaneers are to barely rush the passer and drop into fluffy-pillow prevent defense. Which means Ryan will have too much time in the pocket to think about how easy he now has it, which will lead to one of the hinky off-speed throws that prompted the injury speculation.

Ryan needs to adjust, but he shouldn't adjust too much. There are some real defenses on the future schedule.

Prediction: Falcons 34, Buccaneers 24

San Diego Chargers (2-5) at Baltimore Ravens (1-6), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Ross D. Franklin/Associated Press

On the Ravens sideline this Sunday:

"

John Harbaugh: C'mon guys, we need a third-down stop here! Yes! Great job knocking Keenan Allen out of bounds before the sticks! Let's get the punting unit out there and…what? Why is Allen still running?

Referee: We never blew the whistle. The play wasn't over.

Harbaugh: But he was knocked out of bounds! He stopped running. He even drank a Gatorade!

Referee: We never blew the whistle. Plays don't end until we blow the whistle. So that's a Chargers touchdown.

Harbaugh: That's insane! Oh well, all we can do is complain about it on the Ravens website. Now we have the ball back after a kickoff. John Urschel, let's run the "tackle eligible" play. Report to the referee.

Urschel: Hello ref. I am John Urschel and I am reporting as an eligible receiver for this play.

Referee: Uhhhhh…

Urschel: See, I am pointing to my uniform number and everything. Even though I am an offensive lineman wearing No. 64, I am going to line up on the end of the formation, which, according to the rules of American football Walter Camp developed at the turn of the 20th century, makes me eligible to catch a forward pass.

Referee: Uhhhh…

Harbaugh: I think he's got it. Run the play. Great catch! Wait…flag?

Referee: Illegal formation. A player failed to report as eligible.

Harbaugh: Every television camera in the stadium captured Urschel explaining to you that he is reporting as eligible!

Referee: Not him. The other guy: No. 89.

Steve Smith Sr.: Grrrrr…

Harbaugh: Steve…Smith…is…a…wide…receiver…he…always…lines…up…eligible.

Referee: Yes. But he didn't report.

Harbaugh (ripping own hair out by roots): Fine. Can we just run off tackle, then?

Referee: Too late. You just fumbled.

Harbaugh: When? How?

Referee: You left the ball just lying there on the ground between plays, so we gave it to the Chargers.

Harbaugh (whispering ominously): It was a dead ball. You were calling a penalty.

Referee: Was the runner's knee down before he dropped the ball? Because if the ball comes out before the knee hits the ground, it's a fumble. Here: Check out the rulebook. There's a lot of cool stuff in it if you root around a little.

Harbaugh: [expletive deleted].

"

On the other sideline:

"

Mike McCoy: All these breaks and we are still down by 14 points.

John Pagano: I am gonna go ask the ref if we are still allowed to rush the quarterback.

"

Prediction: Ravens 31, Chargers 23

Arizona Cardinals (5-2) at Cleveland Browns (2-5), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Rick Scuteri/Associated Press

This week, the Cardinals face a team with the NFL's worst run defense that is trying to decide between a banged-up 36-year-old journeyman quarterback and the kid who got pulled over for swerving down an interstate two weeks ago.

Last week, the Cardinals needed an assist from an officiating crew that occasionally lapsed into a fugue state to beat a one-win team that got its receiving corps from newspaper want ads.

The previous week, the Cardinals lost to a quarterback so unimpressive that he was behind Michael Vick on a depth chart.

In Week 5, they beat a Lions team whose playbook was available as a downloadable app for both Apple and Android devices.

In Week 4, they allowed Nick Foles to throw three touchdown passes (shudder).

In Week 3, they trounced the cast of Trent Baalke's off-Broadway production of Analyze This.

In Week 2, they clobbered a Bears team that had not yet rid itself of all of the veteran malcontents. (Well, most of them).

In Week 1, they beat the Saints, but no one cares about Week 1 two months later. The Dolphins have gone from manic to depressive and back in that time.

After the bye, the Cardinals will face the Seahawks and Bengals, two known quantities with playoff pedigrees, healthy quarterbacks (as of now) and legitimate strengths. Let's just pencil in a win here and then wait two weeks before we really try to think too hard about the Cardinals.

Prediction: Cardinals 27, Browns 16

Minnesota Vikings (4-2) at Chicago Bears (2-4), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Associated Press

In the Vikings locker room, midweek:

"

Adrian Peterson: Hey Teddy, can you grab my lunch off that shelf for me?

Teddy Bridgewater: Sure, AP. Phew, this stinks! What is it?

Peterson: Uncooked chicken and three-day-old unrefrigerated potato salad.

Bridgewater: Yuck! Aren't you afraid of food poisoning?

Peterson: Nope, I welcome it. Ever since I learned I was allergic to shrimp, I have started exposing my system to harmful things like E. coli so I can fight them off. You know: to toughen myself up.

Bridgewater: Should I try it?

Peterson: No. You have to be Adrian Peterson tough. Tarvaris Jackson once ate two tablespoons of pure MSG and was never the same afterward. Now pass me that Thermos full of heavy water and throw this bag of mold spores in the humidifier.

Bridgewater: Wow. Is there anything you won't do to get tougher?

Peterson: Nope. The more noxious and toxic the substance, the better. In fact, you may want to clear out before…

Jay Cutler: Hey everyone! Adrian invited me to the Vikings locker room. It's the first time I have ever been invited to a locker room before. Even my own! Mind if I take my socks off and put my toes next to the fan?

Bridgewater: I'm getting queasy.

Cutler: So what are you guys doing? Trying to achieve greatness? Enjoying camaraderie? Basking in a positive environment? Whatever, chumps. I am just going to stare at you and scowl.

Bridgewater: I…I think my fingernails are falling off.

Peterson: Fight it! You are strong, Teddy. Strong like Adrian Peterson!

Cutler: I am going to call my agent and try to negotiate a trade to get me out of Chicago. It could get loud, but I am not going to leave the room or acknowledge your discomfort for having to listen to it. I am not apologizing, either. Just thinking out loud.

Bridgewater: Ugh! Too unpleasant. Must flee.

Peterson: I will not yield. I will just keep jamming this EpiPen into my arm. The pain will drown out the negativity.

Cutler: Congratulations, Adrian. You have survived me at my worst.

Peterson: That means I am worthy to defeat you in battle!

Cutler: Dude, there are kittens posing for cute Internet pictures worthy to defeat me in battle.

"

Prediction: Vikings 21, Bears 17

New York Jets (4-2) at Oakland Raiders (3-3), Sunday, 4:05 p.m.

Associated Press

Television viewers in the New York area will get their first real glimpse of the new-look, suddenly interesting Raiders on Sunday. Oakland has been relegated to late-afternoon B or C games since roughly the day Tim Brown retired, getting only occasional screen time as the Broncos' punching bag. Even last week, when Raiders-Chargers was the only late AFC game, most of the media markets that matter were tuned to Cowboys-Giants. So this is a chance for Derek Carr and Amari Cooper to take Manhattan, if only by satellite.

Of course, no discussion of a Jets-Raiders broadcast is complete without telling the story of the Heidi Bowl.

You have probably heard of the Heidi Bowl, but if you are under a certain age you may lack the cultural context to understand what really happened. Chris Berman tries to explain it whenever the Raiders and Jets play, but "explaining" for Boomer often involves a series of verbal tics and half-remembered zingers from 1988; in other words, you may lack the cultural context to understand Chris Berman as well.

Luckily, Game Previews is here to provide The Millennials' Guide to the Heidi Bowl.

Back in 1968, television networks weren't savvy about the popularity of professional football. They knew it got good ratings—they wouldn't do anything ridiculous like require fans to watch blurry images of early-morning games—but regular television broadcasting often took precedence over sporting events. That was especially true on Sunday nights, when television networks broadcast family-oriented programming instead of two straight hours of naughty cartoons drawn straight from Seth MacFarlane's id.

There was no Pixar in 1968. In that awful forgotten era, television networks produced their own faithful adaptations of 19th century children's novels. Heidi, based on a 19th century novel, is essentially Frozen without magic, whimsy, action, killer show tunes, talking snowmen, production value or anything else a small child in the 1970s or any era could relate to. But your television got seven channels at the most, so you watched Heidi if it was on, especially if you had really strict parents.

Are you following? Here is why the Heidi Bowl is an important moment in American history, not just football history. As of November 17, 1968, America's broadcast media could not decide if the general public would prefer watching the fourth quarter of a shootout between Joe Namath and Daryle Lamonica or a made-for-television movie about a little Swiss girl who solves serious life problems with her upbeat attitude.

When NBC executives finally decided that Namath ruled and Heidi drooled, the network's telephone switchboards (a switchboard was a really weak Internet connection operated by a woman with horn-rimmed glasses and a nasally voice) were already jammed by angry/confused football fans. The message never got through, Heidi aired while the Raiders came back to win a 43-32 shootout, and the broadcasters added insult to injury by flashing the surprising final score over an emotionally intense scene in which Heidi rolled down the Matterhorn and broke her grandpa's cuckoo clock or something.

Super Bowl III is often considered the turning point when pro football went from just another popular sport to an all-consuming American obsession. The Heidi Bowl was the real turning point. Broadcasters learned that football was king that day: The nation didn't want to sit down as a family and watch television; it wanted to sit down as a family and watch football.

Remember how far we have come when you watch Carr and Cooper face Darrelle Revis and Antonio Cromartie in high definition with no fear of interruptions. What New Yorkers see on television often determines what America thinks and feels afterward, so the stakes are high for these new Raiders. And don't worry if the game runs late. You can DVR any old-fashioned entertainment that may interest you on Sunday evening. Like Peyton Manning. Or the World Series.

Prediction: Jets 26, Raiders 20

Tennessee Titans (1-5) at Houston Texans (2-5), Sunday, 1 p.m.

Scott Halleran/Getty Images

Here's a list of all the games in this year's AFC South Round Robin of Sadness. Colts games are not part of a Round Robin of Sadness but are an endless ring cycle of disappointment, confusion, rage, dark humor and the deep melancholy that is caused by unfulfilled expectations.

• Week 6: Texans 31, Jaguars 20

• This Week: Titans at Texans

• Week 11: Titans at Jaguars

• Week 13: Jaguars at Titans

• Week 16: Texans at Titans

• Week 17: Jaguars at Texans

The Game Previews staff refuses to put any more mental effort than necessary into these football travesties, especially the ones scheduled for the holiday season. Seriously, tearing yourself away from opening presents with your children to write a paragraph about Brian Hoyer is the kind of decision that haunts a man on his deathbed. So each game preview of this series will consist of a Round Robin of Sadness update, possibly followed by any news about a quarterback sleeping through a meeting or rear-ending Bob McNair's Cadillac or something, then the score. The team with the worst record in the Round Robin of Sadness will be honored during the final Monday Morning Hangover of the regular season.

In the event of a tie for worst record in Round Robin of Sadness games, the tiebreakers will be:

First Tiebreaker: Head-to-head record.

Second Tiebreaker: Record against the Colts.

Third Tiebreaker: Points for and against in Round Robin of Sadness games.

Fourth Tiebreaker: Screw it. Jaguars win.

Oh dear. We have already put more mental effort than necessary into these football travesties.

Prediction: Texans 21, Titans 17

Indianapolis Colts (3-4) at Carolina Panthers (6-0) , Monday, 8:30 p.m.

Associated Press

The Colts defense ranks dead last in the NFL with 408.6 yards allowed per game. As Indy Sports Central's Mike Chappell pointed out, part of the blame lies with an offense that cannot sustain drives. Only the Rams and Eagles force their defenses to stay on the field longer than the Colts. Unlike the Rams and Eagles defenses, the Colts defense is incapable of creating enough big plays to protect itself from its own offense.

According to Football Outsiders, the Colts defense ranks 21st in the NFL, which better represents the reality of a so-so defense trying to cope with a sputtering offense. Football Outsiders metrics are situational, making them great for sifting through distortions and answering tough questions like: What aspect of football are the Colts really worst at this season?

Here's a breakdown of the Colts' Football Outsiders rankings in many key categories:

• Rushing: 21st
  

• Passing: 21st
  

• Pass Protection: 18th
  

• Run Defense: 15th
  

• Pass Defense: 21st
  

• Pass Rush: 31st
  

• Special Teams: 20th
  

Colts fans might look at these ratings and be encouraged by the fact that the Colts are not terrible, just below average at everything (except rushing the passer). That's the wrong way to look at the stats. The Colts are below average at almost everything and good at nothing. That means there are no quick fixes. Games against quality opponents will continue to slowly teeter away from them. It means all of the criticism of Chuck Pagano and Ryan Grigson is justified: This team should be excellent at passing and very good in other areas, like the kicking game.

Instead, it is a soggy cornflake.

Meanwhile in Carolina, Cam Newton compared Andrew Luck to star Panthers linebacker Luke Kuechly, noting to reporters that Luck is "way more articulate" because he went to Stanford. (Boston College is apparently a degree mill now). As ESPN.com's David Newton reported, Newton also praised new left tackle Michael Oher, whom he nicknamed "Daddy-O," sang the melody of the Monday Night Football theme song to express his joy at playing in prime time and sat among the press corps for a while critiquing their laptops.

Neither Cam Newton nor the NFL is ready to live in a world that cares each week what Cam Newton has to say.

Prediction: Colts 24, Panthers 20. Game Previews is just feeling an upset.

Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report.