From Jim Harbaugh to Chip Kelly, Early Coaching Gossip Is Getting Silly

Coach shopping season, like holiday shopping season, arrives earlier every year.

We have all complained about Christmas decorations in the mall on Labor Day, even you 20-somethings who harken back to the days when Christmas began right after Halloween. But premature coaching gossip is doing just as much to ruin our holiday cheer.

Brady Hoke's firing from Michigan provided a fresh shipment of Jim Harbaugh rumors, as if we did not have enough of that cordwood stacked beside the fireplace to last through the winter. Florida's wide wishful-thinking dragnet snared Chip Kelly and Josh McDaniels in its rumor-mongering mesh before the university found a more mundane solution. The usual coach-on-the-hot-seat boilerplate is already making the NFL rounds, with stereophonic New York collapses ranking this year's amplifiers well past 11. When it comes to rampant coaching job speculation, early December is the new early January.

One-fourth of the NFL season is still left to play. Not a single team has clinched a playoff berth. The college conference championships have not yet happened, let alone the bowls. Can we play a little more football before we open the swap meet?

Harbaugh Nation

America's Harbaugh-Michigan 'shippers have always been more interested in seeing Harbaugh take over in Ann Arbor than Harbaugh, the University of Michigan or the San Francisco 49ers have been. This match made in heaven is based on the fact that Harbaugh played quarterback at Michigan and...that's it, really. Harbaugh is from Ohio, has close ties to Indiana after quarterbacking the Indianapolis Colts for several seasons and has coached exclusively on the West Coast since taking an assistantship with the Raiders in 2002. The alleged MichiBaugh romance is a classic example of insert-alumnus-A-into-likely-vacancy-B blogosphere logic, ignoring minor details like the fact that NFL coaches with 43-16-1 records don't suddenly decide to drop to a lower competition level.

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Coaches with 43-16-1 records don't usually hit the open market, either, but circumstances are unique in this case. The rift between Harbaugh and the 49ers is such common knowledge that the team media guide should have a cover photo of Harbaugh and general manager Trent Baalke shaking fists at each other. The team would hire a media expert with the title "Public Relations Assistant Director of Yes, We're Still Fighting" if Fox Sports' Jay Glazer was not doing such an excellent job for free. Baalke's daughter even got in the act by tweeting (then deleting) that coordinator Greg Roman should be fired on Thanksgiving night. At least she stopped short of demanding Harbaugh's head on a silver platter. There's nothing like input from the boss' daughter to make an NFL franchise sound like a muffler dealership.

Glazer reported last week that the 49ers would try to trade Harbaugh, a scenario roughly as plausible as trying to hypnotize the coach to do Baalke's bidding. Someone in the organization has certainly floated the trade idea—the 49ers' relationship with their coach is a loose tooth they cannot stop fiddling with. But there's a big difference between "trying to trade" someone and successfully trading him, particularly if that someone is a head coach. Logistically, trading Harbaugh will be about as easy as knocking him unconscious in a hotel room and stealing his kidney.

A Harbaugh trade would require a willing Harbaugh: Putting a non-consenting Harbaugh in charge of your franchise would be like ordering Alec Guinness to build The Bridge on the River Kwai. Teams willing to enter into such an arrangement would be the least likely teams to coerce the coach into the kind of sign-and-trade deal necessary to make an arrangement feasible.

Harbaugh has one year left on his 49ers contract, and he is not a running back who has to earn all the money he can before he gets washed up at age 26. He could "retire" in lieu of any trade to an undesirable franchise, watch the broadcast networks paratroop into his driveway in search of pregame-show catnip, then take his pick of coaching jobs after his obligations expire. Making the 49ers and their trade partners look ridiculous in the process would be an added bonus.

The Oakland Raiders and New York Jets are the two teams reportedly dysfunctional enough to attempt to acquire a coach without going through the messy "meeting him" or "seeing if he is willing" stages. That tells you most of what you need to know about the trade possibilities.

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If Harbaugh is fired the old-fashioned way, he will likely attract immediate interest from both New York franchises (he combines the signature attributes of New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin and Jets coach Rex Ryan, which may be a compliment), and I have not appeared on a region talk radio show this year that did not have a localized Harbaugh theory (If Brian Kelly leaves Notre Dame and our coach takes the Notre Dame job, can you see Harbaugh at Tumbleweed Tech?).

Ironically, the only two teams in America that do not seem to want Harbaugh as their coach are the 49ers and University of Michigan; Harbaugh has reportedly told the school that he is not a candidate, and the school did not appear to be applying any kind of hard sell.

Florida may have also been lukewarm on Harbaugh, as he is the only high-profile candidate the university has not name-dropped in the last few days.

Florida Fantasy

The University of Florida Athletic Department wanted to reassure alumni, boosters and potential recruits that it has considered most of the qualified applicants in the nation for its head coaching vacancy, even those who had no interest in or reason for considering the job, before selecting Jim McElwain. That's why it noisily leaked its interest in both Philadelphia Eagles coach Chip Kelly and New England Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels.

So, Florida wanted Kelly. Also, I am seeking a bassist for my classic rock cover band, and I plan to contact Paul McCartney. You can "contact" the Department of Defense to ask if it is cloning alien babies in Area 51. You will probably get no comment (which is proof they are hiding something). Kelly, who has been known to change his mind about coaching offers in the past, provided a firm denial.

But then maybe he is hiding something.

McDaniels did comment, saying (via The Boston Globe), "I really honestly don't have any idea about that rumor. I mean, I heard it, but I have nothing to add to it." At least his official response to being "contacted" by a major university was not: "Hi, you've reached the office of Josh McDaniels. I am not at my desk right now, but leave a message and I will return your call when I can."

Coaches have been coaxed away from the NFL by major programs in the past. Nick Saban could not escape the 6-10 Dolphins quickly enough once he learned he had to dirty his hands with a "salary cap" and "players with rights." Arkansas caught Bobby Petrino in a weak moment between Humanitarian of the Year awards and somehow managed to coax him into doing something unprofessional (imagine!) like sneaking out the back door of the Atlanta Falcons headquarters with two games left to play. Neither of these coaches was in the midst of back-to-back playoff runs or earning around-the-clock genius kudos (like Kelly), nor were they trying to prepare for a Super Bowl push with Bill Belichick and Tom Brady leaning over each shoulder (like McDaniels). CSNPhilly.com's The 700 Level blog summed up the Kelly rumor succinctly in the Onion-worthy headline "Report: University of Florida to waste Chip Kelly's time with phone call."

Florida did not just keep boosters and recruits happy by name-dropping successfully disinterested coaches. It is also engaging in the old used-car salesman tactic of making its product seem more desirable by claiming that other, more glamorous people are clamoring for it. You wanna buy that '92 Escort, kid. Taylor Swift was just in here eyeing up that '92 Escort.

Prying McElwain from Colorado State involved tricky contract buyout issues, and high-profile "other options" gave Florida negotiating leverage. If Kelly and McDaniels are fielding phone calls, Greg Schiano will try to kick down the athletic director's door for an interview. Actually, Schiano will probably kick down someone's door, anyway. His name has come up in conjunction with both the Nebraska and Michigan jobs, and Belichick has always been far more inclined to put in a good word for Schiano than to actually employ him.

Schiano might have to fight off Mike Shanahan on the circuit of deposed, despotic NFL coaches who long to return to the relaxing 19th century colonialism of college football. The Washington Post published second-hand rumors of Shanahan's interest in both the Michigan and Florida jobs a few weeks before they became available.

If you have not figured it out yet, every possible coach has been linked with every possible job, except for Harbaugh staying in San Francisco, which is just crazy talk.

The rumor-mongering system is accelerated by coaches who would be foolish to close doors on potential employers, an Internet that feeds Gainesville speculation straight to global brains and programs/franchises that are happy to use the rumor mill for their own ends. There's no reason not to declare (through some third parties) that Pete Carroll, Tony Dungy and Abraham Lincoln's ghost are on your short list of candidates. Sure, Adam Gase will field a phone call during halftime of a Denver Broncos-Patriots playoff game: We're University of Florida!

It will be weeks before Kelly-Harbaugh pipe dreams become Schiano or McElwain realities for Michigan and Nebraska. In the meantime, no one can argue that these program have become "irrelevant."

Maintaining Dignity

For fans, the most tragic consequence of a coaching carousel that starts spinning long before the fairgrounds open is that it turns us into a bunch of relationship drama junkies. We should be focused on Eagles-Seattle Seahawks and Patriots-San Diego Chargers, or on the new college playoff format, but both the college and NFL newsfeeds read like screenplays for Four Divorces and a Funeral, with some seedy courtroom dramas sprinkled in.

We were destined for month-long New York wakes for Tom Coughlin and Rex Ryan this year. And coaches like Hoke and Schiano inspire a little good-riddance sentiment as they walk away from smoldering ruins. But the new earlier, faster coach-swap news reads too much like a supermarket tabloid.

Sobbing Florida "Inconsolable" After Kelly Rejection!

Michigan Pregnant! (Harbaugh: "I Ain't the Daddy!")

Tom Coughlin's Deathbed Confessions: "I Am Still Disappointed in Odell Beckham!"

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Coughlin must spend the next month watching the maids argue over who gets to steal his bed curtains, or the much more ghoulish modern equivalent: fielding a few dozen roundabout "are you fired yet?" questions per week from the world's loudest and least sympathetic media base. Coughlin, no smart-aleck like Harbaugh or Rob Ryan, sounded determined during Monday's conference call to stay above the gossipy fray. "Don't start that stuff," he said (via ESPN) when asked a semi-direct question about his future employment. "This thing is not about me, and I'm not interested in discussing my circumstance whatsoever."

Coughlin, unlike some of his always-networking peers, legitimately sounds more concerned about his current players than next year's job, even though (unlike Harbaugh) there are no more playoffs to fight for. "Don't worry about me. I'm worried about you," he said when asked what he tells players about his future status. "The one common denominator in all of these circumstances is character. And if you can stand tall and you do believe in the cause, the integrity issue means you march to a higher drummer. And that's what we're trying to preach." It sounds like Nick Saban's last words to the Dolphins, played backward.

Coughlin understands that you cannot do tomorrow's job properly if you are not focused on today's job, and that no employer should even want a prospective "leader" eager to talk about the future with so much at stake in the present. Giants co-owner Steve Tisch initially announced Tuesday that the team would not make any coaching decisions until after the Super Bowl. Tisch, who does not have to issue coaching edicts very often, quickly corrected himself: The Giants, like most playoff-eliminated teams, plan to make their major executive decisions immediately after the conclusion of the season.

February is now far too long to wait for coaching gossip. At least Tisch did not announce a plan to reevaluate Coughlin at halftime of the Tennessee Titans game, or attempt a straight-up trade for Harbaugh, or arrange an interview at some college. That's what everyone else is doing these days.

Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report.