NFL Week 9 Picks: It's Brady Manning XVI! Merry BradyManningmas!

Riffs, rants, observations and dissenting opinions from the voices in my head: Here's a warped and dented take on the latest Tom Brady-Peyton Manning matchup and other, less-worthy events of the upcoming weekend.

Note: All times listed are Eastern, lines are via Odds Shark, and game capsules are listed in the order you should read them.

Broncos at Patriots

Sunday, 4:25 p.m.

Line: Broncos -2.5

The BradyManningmas decorations go up at the shopping mall earlier and earlier each year. Heck, Halloween just ended, and already the stores are full of BradyManningmas wreaths, ManningBradikkah menorahs and "Take Your Picture with Belichick" kiosks for tykes. (It's not really Belichick, sweetie. It's one of his little helpers. Why are you crying so hard?)

BradyManningmas used to be about the football. Now it has been commercialized and sensationalized. It sets expectations so high that fans can only be disappointed. It causes seasonal depression for folks around the country who have been forced to watch decades of Blaine Gabbert, Charlie Frye or JaMarcus Russell while Patriots, Colts and now Broncos fans (plus inveterate frontrunners) bask in reflected BradyManningmas afterglow.

In other words: BAH! HUMBUG! This is not backlash or weariness. Alert Fox News: I am declaring war on BradyManningmas!

The semiannual Brady-Manning bowls have become an ironic hell where we are force-fed everything we are gluttonous for (You want elite quarterbacks? Here's nothing but elite quarterbacks! Mwah-ha-ha-ha.) until our intestines burst, only to be sewn miraculously back together for the AFC Championship Game. Brady-Manning games have become like the time dad found you sneaking sips of his Johnny Walker Black and made you finish a whole bottle in one sitting. (That's still my only memory of fourth grade.)

Brady-Manning games are Day 5 of the family's week-long amusement park junket, and everyone's riding roller coasters and gorging on cotton candy out of a sense of resigned, miserable obligation to pretend they are still having fun. The games are stop 16 of the pub crawl: Your girlfriend is alternately screaming, crying and flirting with bikers; your best friend is handcuffed to the bumper of a state trooper's Ford; and the Guinness you couldn't wait for when the clock struck noon keeps stopping halfway down your gullet and threatening a tactical withdraw.

Elsa/Getty Images

OK, maybe it's not that bad. Patriots and Broncos fans seem to be having fun. But this is no Festivus for the rest of us. Admit it: You approach Brady Manning games with a mix of excitement and dread, just like a major holiday. You will avoid pregame shows on Sunday the way you avoid the mall on December 20. Manning-Brady games open old wounds and force us to rehash endless, unresolvable arguments. You dread getting dragged into the who's better? argument the way you dread hearing Uncle Carmine's annual the problem with kids these days rant around the Thanksgiving table.

And what do you expect from preview purveyors like me? I ran out of purple Brady-Manning prose two employers ago. Any attempt to give their meetings the bombastic Facenda treatment lapses immediately into self-parody. "Throughout the annals of human achievement, one eternal duel stands astride the towering cliffs of sporting excellence: Brady-versus-Manning, a binary star forever orbiting itself and pulsating a never-ending beacon of cosmos-energizing vitality." You see?

Ignoring the rivalry and focusing on Patriots-Broncos stat or scouting minutiae is inherently dishonest. Bradley Roby versus Danny Amendola in nickel situations is the real matchup to watch, my fellow discerning football connoisseur. Yeah, and welcome to Uluru: Let's talk about feldspar for a few hours. Even self-referential satire wilts in the face of Brady-Manning. Oh, Tanier's talking about how he doesn't want to talk about Brady-Manning again. How very 2011.

Our military-industrial sports hysteria complex, modulated to blare with ear-splitting force when Colt McCoy beats the Cowboys, overheats and billows smoke in the face of Brady-Manning XVI. There is no way to further hype the game without cheapening it. Tom Brady and Peyton Manning have created a rivalry unprecedented in sports history, but when every NFL story is the biggest story ever, we lack the language for describing something truly unique and wonderful. In a world where a funny tweet is an "epic win" and a pratfall an "epic fail," we are left gibbering in incomprehensibly in the face of something truly EPIC.

Rick Stewart/Getty Images

It's like the holiday season: Everything gets trivialized in our rush to make the event all-important. It's not enough to watch two great quarterbacks defy age or to recognize that home-field advantage in the AFC and another smoothed road to the Super Bowl is at stake. We must contemplate the True Meaning of BradyManningmas, a trite moral at the end of a children's cartoon that even the youngest tots can see straight through. We must garland everything with phony tinsel stakes, like "legacies" or a Best Ever crown that will never be unanimously awarded.

Instead of funneling all of NFL history and human endeavors through the latest Game to Determine Everything for All Time, we have the option of just enjoying the experience of exciting, playoff-caliber football. It's not about petty arguments or historical absolutes, just the fun of coming together on Sundays and sharing something we all love, something which—like holiday mornings around the fireplace with family—seems eternal but is not.

Merry Manningmas to all, and to all a good game.

Also, Peyton Manning is better.

Prediction: Patriots 26, Broncos 24

Ravens at Steelers

Sunday, 8:30 p.m.

Line: Even

Gene Puskar/Associated Press

Ravens-Steelers in the same week as Brady-Manning? Why not cram a Bears-Packers game and a little Eagles-Giants action too while you're at it, Mister NFL Schedule Guy? It's even election week: Is there a standard Brady-Ravens-Democrat or Manning-Steelers-Republican ticket? And how do Walmart and Starbucks factor in?

Come to think if it, these previews are already going to run too long. Any more big rivalry games would turn them into a James Michener novel; at least I can trim some word count during Buccaneers-Browns.

Ravens-Steelers games are usually brutal slugfests that end with a 23-20 final score, no matter who wins. But Ravens-Steelers games usually do not come on the heels of historic passing performances. Ben Roethlisberger had one of the greatest games a quarterback has ever had last week.

The game changed our perception of the 2014 Steelers: They are no longer an over-the-hill gang whose coaches noodle too much with quirky or out-of-date strategies. They are now an over-the-hill gang who can flat-out obliterate opponents if their coaches stop noodling with quirky or out-of-date strategies and just let Roethlisberger sling the football.

Here is a list that puts Roethlisberger's six-touchdown, 522-yard afternoon against the Colts into perspective. Only four times in NFL history has a quarterback:

A. Thrown for 400 or more yards and at least four touchdowns while...

B. Completing 75 percent or more of his passes against...

C. An opponent that will end the season with a winning record, as the Colts almost certainly will. (Check their upcoming schedule.)

That last criterion is the killer. There have been 17 400-yard, four touchdown, 75 percent completion games in NFL history. Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers and Nick Foles each had one last year. But the opponents tend to be the Raiders, Redskins or last year's Cowboys. Doing what Roethlisberger did last Sunday against a playoff-caliber defense is nearly impossible.

So how did those other quarterbacks of history fare the week after their epic performances? Funny you should ask:

Tommy Kramer threw for 456 yards and four touchdowns on 38-of-49 passing for the 1980 Vikings against a Browns team that would finish the season 11-5. Ahmad Rashad caught two of Kramer's touchdowns, so this was a while ago. Kramer threw four interceptions the following week in a 20-16 loss to the playoff-bound Oilers. The Vikings backed into the playoffs at 9-7 and got hammered by the Dick Vermeil Eagles. Kramer had five interceptions in the playoff loss.

Barry Sweet/Associated Press

Ken O'Brien threw for 431 yards and four touchdowns on 26-of-32 passing for the 1986 Jets against a Seahawks team that finished 10-6 and had a darn good defense (Jacob Green, Fredd Young, Kenny Easley, Eugene Robinson). Al Toon and Mickey Shuler caught touchdown passes; both of their sons are in the NFL right now, so this was a while ago. O'Brien's encore was a three-touchdown, no-pick, 322-yard, 26-of-33 effort in a 28-14 win over a not-bad Falcons team. The good times were going to roll forever for those 1986 Jets, right?

Wrong. Boomer Esiason threw for 425 yards and five touchdowns on 23-of-30 passing for the 1986 Bengals against the 1986 Jets. Cris Collinsworth caught three touchdown passes, so this was still a while ago. O'Brien threw three interceptions in a 52-21 loss; he was at the end of a late season interception jag that featured three straight three-pick performances. The Bengals-Jets game was a regular-season finale and Cincy didn't make the playoffs, so we don't know what Esiason would have done next.

There may be a cautionary lesson buried in those Roethlisberger comps: Interceptions and slumps will return, maybe not this week or next, but soon. Or maybe they won't: Roethlisberger is the best quarterback on the list, Boomer included, and the other examples come from a galaxy far away called the 1980s. Maybe six-touchdown explosions just happen now and then, like lightning strikes.

Roethlisberger is no better now than he was last week (great, in other words), and both the Steelers and Ravens are the same arch rivals we know and love, give or take a statistical anomaly or two. Roethlisberger could have another big game against the Ravens' depleted secondary, but the Ravens held him to 217 yards and an interception in Week 2. The Ravens beat the Steelers 26-6 under some incredibly unique circumstances in September; the only safe prediction for a Steelers-Ravens game is that, no matter what happened last week, it will probably look like a Steelers-Ravens game.

Prediction: Steelers 23, Ravens 20

Cardinals at Cowboys

Sunday, 1 p.m.

Line: Opened at Cowboys -4 but is now off the board because Tony Romo is a game-time decision, per the Dallas Morning News' Brandon George.

The Cardinals' method for coping with injuries: Be very aggressive on the waiver wires and keep the practice squad stocked. Make sure Drew Stanton and other backups are ready. Design schemes with reasonable roles for backups. Stay aggressive: If a superstar like Patrick Peterson gets hurt (Peterson has cleared concussion protocols and should play; Tony Jefferson is questionable), set clear expectations that others like Antonio Cromartie, Tyrann Mathieu and Jerraud Powers will fill in. Develop your bench, stick to your core principles and, above all else, remain calm and professional!

Tim Sharp/Associated Press

The Cowboys' method for coping with injuries: Lo, so it was that I, your wise and benevolent owner King Jerry, did take pity on Tony Romo as he writhed in pain, and I knew that the people would despair and rend their garments at the very sight of Brandon Weeden. So I did attend personally to Romo's injuries, and after performing X-rays and MRIs myself, did lay hands upon Tony, and like the monarchs of ancient England and France did heal him by the mere transference of my regal charisma. And then I made haste to the sideline and said unto Jason Garrett, "Why fret you so? Do you not see that Tony has been healed and can return to the field in the fourth quarter?" Then I gathered the multitudes of the media, and I shared with them intimate details of Tony's health status, in defiance of standard NFL practice, HIPAA regulations and common courtesy, that they may know that Tony has been healed by my benevolence, and only his own lack of faith in my powers or a low threshold of pain can keep him from taking the field as a witness to my eternal glory.

One of these injury procedures is more likely to succeed in the second half of the season than the other.

Prediction with Romo: Cardinals 24, Cowboys 20

Prediction without Romo: Cardinals 27, Cowboys 13

Eagles at Texans

Sunday, 1 p.m.

Line: Even

Jadeveon Clowney recorded one tackle in 35 plays for the Texans last Sunday, which means that Clowney Watching season is upon us.

Mark Zaleski/Associated Press

Clowney Watching is like bird watching. The casual fan watches football to see results and big plays the way a casual hiker might enter the woods to enjoy the quiet and the scenery. Clowney Watchers focus on Clowney the way serious birders scan the skies for a blue-footed booby. Clowney Watching differs from scouting in that scouts focus on hundreds of players over the years and have a highly developed understanding of line play, while Clowney Watchers only watch the line to see what Clowney did or did not do and have their own Clowney-only categories.

So while someone who regularly breaks down film might assess that Clowney looked athletic but technically undisciplined last Sunday, demonstrating some inside moves and hand technique but often losing leverage, looking tentative or just falling to the ground in rookie confusion when trying to change direction, the experienced Clowney Watcher can glean Clowney-specific wisdom based largely on the watcher's preconceived Clowney notions. Clowney's elite athleticism either manifested itself in numerous almost-tackles, near-hurries, semi-penetration or his poor work ethic and meager fundamentals were obvious on the numerous plays where he did not chase Kendall Wright 30 yards downfield or congratulate J.J. Watt effusively enough after sacks.

Center Jason Kelce returned to Eagles practice this week, but it may be another week before he returns (or he may play at less than 100 percent). Todd Herremans expects to play through a torn bicep. The Eagles interior line has been banged up for weeks, and Watt should spend Sunday taking his pick of weak links. Clowney Watchers may have to settle for one or two instances of Clowney arriving just in time to watch a sack celebration. They may also be disappointed altogether, as a bum knee limited their quarry in practice this week.

At any rate, the Texans will also discover that they need more than a few sacks to win when not facing a sixth-round quarterback making his first career start.

Prediction: Eagles 28, Texans 16

Chargers at Dolphins

Sunday, 1 p.m.

Line: Dolphins -1

One of the following Dolphins teams will show up on Sunday:

Team A: The confident, defensively stout, offensively creative Dolphins (Patriots, Raiders, Bears wins).

Team B: The timid, big-play averse, special teams-incompetent Dolphins (Bills, Chiefs losses).

Team C: The mostly confident Dolphins undone by late-game coaching panic attack/mind-sprains. (Packers loss)

Team D: The mostly timid Dolphins rescued by opponent too terrified by success to drive past the 30 yard line. (Jaguars win).

If any of these teams shows up for more than two consecutive weeks, the Dolphins will officially have acquired an *identity*. Until then, we must assume Team A too often turns into Team B because of the issues that plague Team C and will need more opportunities to become Team D if they hope to reach the postseason.

We know which Chargers team will show up on Sunday: It's the one that is very good, but not good enough to beat the Broncos. They may have their flaws, but they will not help the Dolphins become Team D.

Prediction: Chargers 27, Dolphins 20

Jets at Chiefs

Sunday, 1 p.m.

Line: Chiefs -10.5

Seth Wenig/Associated Press

As we watch the Jets insert their nonsense exhaust pipe directly into their nonsense intake manifold to create a feedback loop that eventually bursts and drowns the world in idiocy, it's time to start asking the hard questions, like: "Has any quarterback ever fumbled four times in a game, committed three turnovers, completed just half of his passes and WON a starting job as a result?

Probably not, but here is a stat line that looks similar to Michael Vick's performance last Sunday: 18-of-39, 172 yards, one touchdown, one interception, seven sacks, three fumbles (one lost) and 63 rushing yards in a blowout loss. Guess who? It's Tim Tebow against the Lions on October 30, 2011, just before Tebowmania. The Jets have finally found what they are looking for! Maybe Vick should also be the personal protector for punts …

In fairness, The Vick-Percy Harvin-Chris Johnson combination is so explosive and unpredictable that it gives the Jets the best chance to win despite themselves.

In Chiefs news, Alex Smith sprained his throwing shoulder. Andy Reid said Smith should be "fine," because it wasn't Jamaal Charles' shoulder.

Prediction: Jets 22, Chiefs 20

Buccaneers at Browns

Sunday, 1 p.m.

Line: Browns -7

The NFL trade deadline should be renamed the "NFL Trade with the Buccaneers" Deadline. It should also be sponsored, perhaps by a major motion picture with a vaguely nautical theme. How does this sound?

The Sponge out of Water NFL Trade with the Buccaneers Deadline

Perfect. The ultimate Buccaneers deadline deal exchanges a player the team was incredibly optimistic about roughly one year ago for some draft picks. The ultimate Browns trade exchanges a big-name disappointment for a future first-round pick, which the Browns later use to acquire another big-name disappointment. With a little creativity, we can engineer the most perfect Bucs-Browns trade possible, though we need a special guest third-party mediator.

• Buccaneers trade Alterraun Verner to the Patriots and a first-round pick in 2018 to the Browns.

• Browns trade Josh Gordon to the Patriots and a fifth-round pick to the Buccaneers.

• Patriots trade fourth-round pick to the Buccaneers for the fifth-round pick they just got from the Browns, then send a fifth-round pick to the Browns.

Amazingly, all three sides would consider this a fair trade.

Prediction: Browns 30, Buccaneers 20

Jaguars at Bengals

Sunday, 1 p.m.

Line: Bengals -11.5

One of the joys of watching the Jaguars offense is seeing the team drive smoothly down the field to about the 30-yard line as if all is well, only to do something horrendous.

Mike Tanier

Well, you can now share the joy of Jaguars football with your friends by printing some Jaguars Catastrophe Bingo cards! Just hand the cards out when the Jaguars cross midfield and use pennies or beer bottle caps as markers whenever something mind-bending happens. First player to get five markers in a row shouts Bortles!, chugs a beer and gets to decide which channel to change to. Remember: Play responsibly.

Prediction: Bengals 31, Jaguars 21

Redskins at Vikings

Sunday, 1 p.m.

Line: Even

Robert Griffin III is expected to return on Sunday, though it is not 100 percent certain, as all Griffin-related news is still coated with a leftover layer of suspicion. We can only be certain that one of four outcomes will occur:

1. If Griffin returns to the lineup and plays well, we get a brief respite from the inane and futile quarterback controversy that swallowed the Redskins' last calendar year, though it will be replaced with premature and unnecessary Hosannas.

2. If Griffin returns to the lineup and plays poorly, we get a continuance of the inane and futile quarterback controversy that swallowed the Redskins' last calendar year.

3. If McCoy makes another start and plays well (heroically handing off while waiting for his opponent to fumble and suffer major injuries, for example), we get a continuance of the inane and futile quarterback controversy that swallowed the Redskins' last calendar year.

4. If McCoy makes another start and plays poorly, we get a continuance of the inane and futile quarterback controversy that swallowed the Redskins' last calendar year, since we will wonder why Griffin was not given the start.

It's a little bit like Pascal's wager on the existence of God, though if Pascal witnessed the last two years of Redskins football, he would choose to disbelieve and let the afterlife chips fall where they may.

The Vikings started this mess when they came back from a 27-14 deficit to beat the Redskins on a Thursday night last November. The Redskins would have climbed to 4-5 with a win on the strength of a three-touchdown Griffin performance, but the Vikings scored two quick second-half touchdowns, then sacked Griffin into Shanahan-enraging oblivion.

Given the Vikings' recent habit of dragging their opponents down with them (no team has reached 20 points in the last three Vikings games), some quarterback is going to have a bad game for the Redskins. At least it won't be Kirk Cousins.

Prediction with Griffin: Redskins 19, Vikings 17

Prediction with McCoy: Vikings 19, Redskins 17

Rams at 49ers

Sunday, 4:05 p.m.

Line: 49ers -10.5

Ed Zurga/Associated Press

It was a busy transaction week for the Rams, who wandered past Buccaneers headquarters just as the team was tossing bundles of defensive starters out of second-story windows.

Mark Barron began practicing with the Rams mid-week and may play a role on Sunday; frankly, the team needs healthy bodies, even if those bodies are still unlearning Lovie Smith's safety terminology (just stand there; they will come to you). Jake Long and Brian Quick joined the injured reserve, former Dolphins receiver Damien Williams and guard Brandon Washington joined the active roster and much practice squad shuffling took place, with many of the moves involving Case Keenum in some way.

The Rams had a 13-player injury report as of Wednesday (not counting Long and Quick), so Jeff Fisher opted for a walkthrough instead of a practice. In other words, the Rams are short-handed, low on practice reps and coming off a nasty loss as they travel to face a division powerhouse who beat them 31-17 (despite some surprising early Rams heroics) just three weeks ago.

Mark Barron may be the first player in three years to not be happy that the Buccaneers traded him.

Prediction: 49ers 34, Rams 17

Raiders at Seahawks

Sunday, 4:25 p.m.

Line: Seahawks -16.5

Danny Moloshok/Associated Press

The Raiders' best strategy may be to sneak around Seattle spreading rumors and sowing discord. "Hey, Marshawn, I hear Pete Carroll is going to ask you to return punts!" "Hey, Richard Sherman, there's a social network you have never heard of, and Andre Holmes is totally lighting you up on it!" "Hey guys, we were shuffling through Russell Wilson's MP3 playlist, and you know what we found? FIVE RUSH ALBUMS."

That'll get the Seahawks team chemistry all fizzy. But it probably won't work.

Prediction: Seahawks 27, Raiders 9

Colts at Giants

Monday, 8:30 p.m.

Line: Colts -3

Here are brief synopses of the last six Colts regular-season prime-time games:

Jack Dempsey/Associated Press

• Sunday, October 20, 2013 versus Broncos: Colts take 33-14 lead, Broncos cut lead to 36-30 midway through fourth quarter, Colts hold on for 39-33 win.

• Sunday, November 3, 2013 versus Texans: Texans take 24-6 lead in the third quarter, Andrew Luck throws three touchdowns to T.Y. Hilton, Colts win 27-24.

• Thursday, November 14, 2013 versus Titans: Titans take 17-3 lead, Colts roar back and take 30-20 lead late in fourth quarter, Titans score late touchdown but fail to recover onside kick, Colts win 30-27.

• Sunday, September 7, 2014 versus Broncos: Broncos take 24-0 and 31-10 leads, Colts score two late fourth-quarter touchdowns and drive into Broncos territory at two-minute warning but fail on fourth down. Broncos hold on for 31-24 win.

• Monday, September 15, 2014 versus Eagles: Colts take 20-6 lead midway through third quarter, Eagles tie game at 20, Colts score go-ahead touchdown, Eagles tie again late in fourth quarter, Eagles kick field goal at end of regulation for 30-27 win.

• Thursday, October 9, 2014 versus Texans: Colts take 24-0 lead in first quarter, Texans pull within 33-28 by fourth quarter, Colts need two Texans fumbles to hold on for 33-28 win.

That's a long way of saying that this game will remain exciting until midnight, is nearly impossible to predict and Tom Coughlin does not need this kind of aggravation.

Prediction: Colts 29, Giants 28

USA TODAY Sports

BONUS TRACK

Fear and Loathing in Foxboro

My eyes glowed and burned smoky red like just-lit cigar tips as I stared, blank-expressioned and cotton-mouthed, at the row of cars extending up U.S. Highway 1 toward Gillette Stadium like the funeral procession for some semi-mythical warrior god. Exhausted and stiff-necked from my trailer-park all-nighter with the flight attendant and the sad-eyed college-girl apprentice from the blown glass exhibit at the Living History Farmstead, I crushed 30 chewable children's aspirins into a dose of cough syrup, poured that into a highball glass full of Jack, dumped that into a donut-shop latte, then poured a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats into the minivan's king-sized cup holder and dumped the whole mixture over it.

Professor Funbottles was only half-conscious in the passenger seat. He had struck out with the married Reiki massage specialist and spent the whole night dropping breath mints into diet soda and huffing the fumes while watching badly-dubbed anime. We were both in the perfect state of mind to cover Brady-Manning XVI for Bleacher Report; all we had to do was reach the game before halftime, and even that was more preferable than necessary.

"I can see it clear as day, big as the horizon," Professor Funbottles said as he loaded buffalo dip into his vaporizer and took a mighty huff.

Traffic inched forward. The minibus in front of us held at least 200 fraternity dudes, all wearing matching Mike Vrabel jerseys. When they saw a fan wearing a Peyton Manning jersey walking along the highway, a dozen of them at a time leaned out the windows, grabbed their own throats with both hands and made violent, phlegmy choking noises. Traffic moved so slowly that the same poor Manning fan got the choke serenade, beat us forward by half a block, then heard a command performance. After the fourth or fifth encore, I coughed into my elbow reflexively and wondered when I ate a poker chip.

"Three rings," Funbottles said, holding up his thumb and two fingers. "It's the world's simplest arithmetic. Three rings: like a circus. Three rings, like the ones magician connects into a chain without breaking them. Three rings: one for the wife, one for the girlfriend, one for the French Quarter dancer who only shares that little surprise when it's too late."

I nodded, folding three antacids into a big wad of Big League Chew and jamming the whole mess against the bridge of my mouth as the Vrabelmobile peeled onto the shoulder and sideswiped the next two cars, spraying mud on yet another Manning fan. Three rings. Tom Brady. That was all that mattered. Or was that really just the illusion, like a circus, or a kid-party magician's trick, or the promises of an unfaithful wanderer? I turned to ask Funbottles what he meant, but he had passed out again, mumbling the Reiki woman's name and something about how Danny Amendola had ruined his fantasy season.

I pulled over. My head still felt like I had slept under a safe. I tried to psych myself up for the enormity of the event: Brady Manning XVI, The Bradymanninging. I wiped the Miracle Whip off my tablet to read Mike Tanier's game preview, but the words danced and rippled before my marbled eyes until they read:

Athens versus Sparta

Sunday, 4:25 p.m.

Line: Sparta -VI

Spartan general Harbaughicus once again denied rumors this week that he would leave the city-state before the next harvest to teach military science at the Library of Alexandria-Ann Arbor. "That's just a lot of bah-bah barbarian sheep bah-ing to me," he joked, before gashing reporter's cheeks with sword-thrusts and banishing them to the Taygetus mountains.

Meanwhile, Athenian first citizen Chipus Perikellius chuckled at the notion that other armies had figured out his up-tempo Hoplite tactics. "We will beat them with culture," he said, holding up an urn. "Culture triumphs over scheme."

Prediction: Athens becomes an idealized model of enlightenment for all of history, Sparta gets remembered for leaving babies out in the cold.

I rubbed my eyes. Funbottles began snoring. Traffic had barely moved, and frozen drizzle began to fall. I grabbed what I thought was a road map, but after studying it for five minutes I realized it was a children's placemat from a diner, with brain teasers:

Tommy has three onion rings. Peyton has one onion ring. Which one has the most rings, and therefore the most value as a human being? Such was the Riddle of the Giant Rooster Wearing Overalls.

I pulled back onto Route 1, but there was little hope of reaching the game. Better to reach a chain restaurant and nurse the hallucinations and stomach cramps with lite beer and mozzarella sticks. Or find a movie theater showing The Judge and get two hours of sleep, then write the game column by watching the highlight reel and padding the word count by disagreeing with Bob Costas.

I dug my taser from the glove box and gave Funbottles a swift jolt. "It ain't happening," I said. "Let's detox and maybe we will be able to make some sense of the Monday night game."

Funbottles gaped at me, suddenly lucid. The jolt had set fire to all the cobwebs in his brain. "Andrew Luck is better than Russell Wilson," he said.

Then he climbed out the minivan window and began skipping ahead of me, a mad elf prancing through a fairytale forest of drunken ramblings and blazing-hot football takes. I longed to follow him but remained trapped within my glass-and-steel six-cylinder literal and metaphorical prison, wondering if the road would ever end, or if I would even know when I arrived at my destination.

Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report.