Legacy narratives, "thug" analysis and rant coverage—we've had enough of it.
Less than a week stands between fans and Super Bowl XLVIII, and everything that is going to be said about the Denver Broncos taking on the Seattle Seahawks has already been covered.
So instead of an in-depth report on what Cris Carter's neighbor's Lhasa Apso thinks about Richard Sherman's attitude, we're going to relax and have some fun.
The following are doppelgangers for the athletes and coaches who will take the field on Super Bowl Sunday. Some are near identical, others you might have to squint a bit, but rest assured—they all go down a lot smoother than a 5,000-word dissertation on what Peyton Manning means to the city of Omaha, Neb.
All right, Russell—get out of the P-40 Warhawk and get under center.
Wait, never mind—that's not Russell Wilson. That's actor Tristan Wilds, who played "Junior" in 20th Century Fox's Red Tails and "Michael Lee" in HBO's The Wire.
My fault, Tristan. Please, continue tearing down racial boundaries in the skies over Europe and teaching us all important lessons about violence in the inner city.
Puffy eyes, thin lips and a look that says, "You're going to do what I say. Now."
John Fox and Colm Meaney share many of the same rugged, patrician features.
They're not identical, per se, but if AMC's Hell on Wheels ever wanted to cast a law-abiding brother for Thomas Durant, I know a guy in Denver.
Flies around like a frenzied fowl? Check. Constantly blowing up everything in reach? Roger that.
Yep, Earl Thomas is one angry little bird—he packs a wallop.
Nicholas! You're so strong!
Oh, sorry, Matt Prater. I thought you were actor/comedian Nick Swardson, whose way with words drives older women wild.
To be fair, the Broncos kicker does look like he might sleep in a race car bed, which I believe we can all agree is a good thing.
Seahawks offensive tackle Russell Okung and De La Soul's Maseo both have that "You know I'm going to eat the whole thing" expression permanently stamped on their faces.
While Maseo doesn't play football, he has a connection to the sport that may surprise you. Maseo's real name is Vincent Mason, and his son is Auburn running back and Heisman Trophy candidate Tre Mason.
Two years ago Wes Welker made a decision.
He opted to go in for a hair transplant to reverse the rapid retreat of his thinning hairline. It took nearly 18 months for the treatment's full effects to become evident, but suffice it to say, the Broncos wideout hit the jackpot.
Welker went from the brink of baldness to the spitting image of a young Christopher Reeve in his Superman days.
"It's got to be the hair, Cotton. It's beautiful, feathered and lethal—you just don't see it nowadays."
Pete Carroll looks like a guy who wandered out of a Sandals commercial and started winning games on the football field.
The Seahawks head coach is always smiling, probably because he's excited to slip back into a pair of white linen pants and head back to the beach, where the feet of his canopied, king-size bed are licked by the gentle roll of the surf.
Carroll also looks like a smilier version of Sue Sylvester—the gym teacher played by Jane Lynch in Glee. Trust me on this.
How Eric Decker finds the strength to get out of bed every day is a miracle and a mystery.
Not only does the Broncos wideout look like the Hulked-out version of a teenybopper heartthrob, his day job is playing receiver for one of the most prolific passing offenses in NFL history.
I wouldn't wish that life on anyone.
You knew it was coming.
There's no way to get through a slideshow of doppelgangers involving the Seahawks without an obligatory nod to Marshawn Lynch's close approximation of an alien hunt-master.
That said, will the hunter feast on Super Bowl Sunday? Or will he be smothered under Terrance Knighton—the walking buffet?
Either way, we'll all be starving by the time the sportscasters are done talking about Skittles and pot roast.
John Elway is and will always be a beautiful man.
That being said, you will never look at him the same after today. Elway is like Busey's brother—the one who wasn't stored in an underground retention pond.
As Busta Rhymes once said, just "nod your [bleep]ing head!"
This could be helpful advice for Richard Sherman, who shares Busta's penchant for flexing on the mic.
Unlike Busta, however, Sherman isn't paid to deliver streams of room-stopping insults. Yet.
Which member of The Black Eyed Peas is Von Miller's favorite?
I gotta feeling the Broncos linebacker loves him some will.i.am. Get it?
I'll see myself out.
Whom would you rather fight?
Chad Coleman, the actor who played an ex-con boxing instructor in The Wire? Or Robert Turbin, the Seahawks running back whose biceps could be legally registered as WMDs by the U.S. Department of Defense?
Can we pick neither? Is that an option?
For those unversed in '90s hip-hop groups, Vin Rock accounted for one-third of the rap trio Naughty By Nature.
By the looks of him, Vin is also the uncle of Broncos tight end Julius Thomas—a former basketball player who's tall enough to get down with O.P.P. ("Overthrown Peyton Passes").
The first time you saw Seahawks linebacker Bobby Wagner was likely a confusing experience.
Is that Reggie...Bush? No. Is that some kind of Reggie Bush-Michael Crabtree hybrid? Possibly.
It's not an identical match, but in a pinch, Kim Kardashian could've made do with Wagner.
If you've ever seen the film This Island Earth, you'll know that it isn't a cheesy, sci-fi thriller from the '50s, but rather a documentary on the Manning family and their ancestors' immigration to our planet.
Unlike his grandsire Exeter, however, Peyton Manning uses his abnormally large brain to conquer defenses, as opposed to solar systems.
Got any doppelganger suggestions? Let me know.