Ranking the Top 10 Fingers on Tom Brady's Hands

Matt KingFeatured ColumnistDecember 10, 2012

Ranking the Top 10 Fingers on Tom Brady's Hands

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    Tom Brady is an artist. While most artists use their hands to create art with brushes, Brady uses his hands to sculpt a perfect masterpiece with the football. He may just have the 10 most perfect fingers in all of the NFL, maybe in sports.

    OK, not really—that was all crap. However, The Onion mused that we at Bleacher Report might take our love of lists so far as to rank the fingers on Tom Brady's hands.

    Well, challenge accepted, The Onion. Challenge accepted.

No. 10: Right Index

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    In 2010, Tom Brady broke his right index finger. It is clearly the weakest of all his fingers.

    How dare it let Tom down like that.

No. 9: Left Middle

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    Tom Brady's left middle finger is there, but he doesn't really need it.

    Sure he could use it to humiliate opposing quarterbacks in a crude and juvenile way, but he prefers to do it on the field.

    Maybe he's saving it in case Eli Manning beats him in a third Super Bowl. I'd probably use it then.

No. 8: Right Pinkie

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    Tom Brady's right pinkie is where he keeps all of his warm-and-fuzzies. That's what he uses when he's doing things like sipping tea or snuggling up to a goat.

    It's a very versatile finger.

No. 7: Left Thumb

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    Could there possibly be a better feeling in the world than getting a thumbs up from the Golden Boy himself? I'm melting just thinking about if that was directed at me.

    **Writes a series of elaborate fan fiction where Tom Brady constantly gives me a thumbs up and says "Good job, Matt."**

No. 6: Right Thumb

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    Why can't dogs play football? Oh, right, they don't have opposable thumbs.

    The kind of thumb that lets you grip a football and throw a perfectly coiled spiral to Wes Welker in stride to a touchdown.

    That's Tom Brady's opposable thumb.

No. 5: Left Index

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    Tom Brady loves to point out what opposing defenses are doing. And even though he's right-handed, he can point just as well with his left index finger. Is there no end to what this man is capable of?

No. 4: Right Ring

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    Three-time Super Bowl champion. That is a lot of bling. I'm going to venture a guess those rings costs more than $5 apiece.

No. 3: Left Pinkie

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    Tom Brady has more talent in his left pinkie finger than Tim Tebow has in his entire body. That's pretty impressive considering Tebow has a playoff win under his belt, but less impressive if you've ever seen him throw a football.

No. 2: Right Middle

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    One time Tom Brady flipped off Bill Belichick. That was awesome.

No. 1: Left Ring

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    Tom Brady is married to Gisele Bundchen. His left ring finger holds the ring that signifies their bond and rubs it in your face that his life is effing fantastic.

    Forget The Lord of the Rings—that is the one ring to rule them all.