Handing out Christmas Gifts to 15 NFL Stars
The Christmas season is upon us, and what better way to celebrate the season than with our favorite National Football League?
While the NFL's players will (or should) be thinking about how to win their late-season games rather than what they'll be getting come Christmas day, a lot of them could certainly use a present or two.
Let's take a moment to reflect this holiday season and hand out a Christmas present to 15 of the NFL's biggest names.
Chris Johnson: An Expiring Contract
No player has been a more unpleasant surprise this year than Chris Johnson. Certainly, he has picked it up on the past few weeks, but he's on pace to go down as one of the most disappointing non-injury related seasons any player has played in a while.
So let's do Johnson a favor and chop off the next few years of his contract. For the rest of his career, every season, he'll be playing to earn a lucrative deal in the next offseason. Then, once he's signed that huge deal, we'll chop it again and repeat the process!
This will keep Johnson motivated, and there is no doubt then that he'll become a top runner in the league history.
I'm sure all the Titans fans can agree that this works for everybody.
Tim Tebow: Correct Mechanics
Tim Tebow has nearly everything. He's got the leadership qualities. He has a team that supports him (for now). He has the looks and the glamor. And he has the fans, the fans, those rabid fans—no one has more fans.
But what doesn't the NFL's favorite quarterback have? Quarterback mechanics.
Teaching him hasn't worked so far, so let's get all the NFL's best quarterbacks, past and present, and sit them in a circle.
Maybe if they all focus hard enough on Tebow's throwing arm while singing Kum Bi Yah loud enough, the football spirits will smile on the young lad and give him the properly throwing technique.
Then, maybe—just maybe—Tebow won't just look smooth when he's "Tebowing." Maybe then one of the NFL's biggest stars will actually deserve the title of "quarterback."
Peyton Manning: Robotic Body
Peyton Manning was willing to head overseas for an experimental stem cell treatment on his neck, so why not just skip it all and give Peyton a giant robot body to put his brain into?
Then Peyton will never have to fall apart, and he can sign with the Colts forever and win a hundred championships. Andrew Luck, who? Try Peyton "The Machine" Manning for centuries to come.
And wait until some poor linebacker tries to tackle robo-Peyton. It'll be like tackling a car wearing a No. 18 blue jersey.
Calvin Johnson: A Megatron Action Figure
You have to figure that Megatron has started a collection of actual Megatron action figures, right?
If not, he needs to start somewhere. Let's get him two—one he can play with and one he can keep in the box.
He can use the toys to help him forget about the Lion's utter destruction since starting 5-0. He can enjoy the simple complexity of Transformers and use it to help dull out the pain of having only one touchdown in the past four games.
Ndamukong Suh: A New Car
It hasn't been a good month for Suh. First, he was suspended two games for trying to kick an opponent. Then he crashed his car.
After a long and proven history of bad decisions and immaturity that have kept him from becoming one of the sport's best defenders, Suh needs two things: meditation to help keep himself calm and a new car to get to his meditation sessions.
Maybe this time, we should get Suh a Chrysler. After all, he does tons of advertising for them, but he crashed in a Chevrolet Chevelle.
Well, actually, forget the whole thing. Let's just give this bad boy some coal.
Colt McCoy: Some Offensive Weapons
Poor Colt McCoy. First Payton Hillis decided to pull the Madden Curse card and start sucking. Then the Browns' wide receivers and tight ends realized they all were just not that good.
Maybe if McCoy has been good, he'll find a big present under the tree with Trent Richardson or Alshon Jeffery inside.
Andy Dalton: A New Division
Andy Dalton and his Bengals were top of their conference before those nasty old Ravens and Steelers had their way with the young Cincinnati squad.
The Bengals were 6-2 before their first loss to Pittsburgh. They're now 7-5 and have to face the Ravens one more time in Baltimore. Their playoff hopes, once high, are now in serious danger of collapsing because they're too inexperienced to play with their conference big dogs.
So, for Christmas, let's get Cincinnati into a division with Indianapolis and Jacksonville, with Houston and Tennessee moving to a division with the Steelers and Bengals. The Browns can go anywhere, it doesn't really matter.
Josh Freeman: His Swagger Back
Josh Freeman lost his swagger on his vacation during the NFL lockout, and so far, no matter how many times he's looked, he still can't find it.
With his swagger, Freeman had 25 touchdowns and only six interceptions last season. Since losing his swagger, Freeman has become nervous and frightened, and so far this season, he has 16 interceptions and just 12 touchdowns. It's utterly painful to watch.
Alex Smith was gifted swagger early this season by Jim Harbaugh, and it turned him around completely. For Freeman's sake, someone has to have a spare swagger around the house somewhere. Rodgers? Brady? Anyone?
Larry Fitzgerald: A Good Quarterback
Remember when Fitzgerald got that offseason present in August, when the Cardinals traded/signed Kevin Kolb and everyone said this was the next great combo for Arizona?
Larry keeps calling, and he wants his money back on Kolb. Or at least some store credit. And to be honest, he deserves it.
For Christmas, he really should get a decent quarterback. No more second-stringers or hand-me-downs, no. The best wideout in the league deserves better.
And then, perhaps, it won't seem as embarrassing when Fitzgerald accidentally calls his quarterbacks "Kurt," only to realize Warner retired. At least he's keeping the tears back.
Vince Young: A Time Machine
In the beginning of August, after signing with the Philadelphia Eagles, Vince Young said the Eagles were built to be "a dream team."
Apparently unaware of the recent success of preseason ego extravaganzas—or rather, lack of success (see the Miami Heeat)—Young's lofty praise doomed the Eagles. Philadelphia is now 4-8 and doomed to go down as one of the most disappointing hyped-up teams in recent memory.
So, let's give Young a time machine and a chance to go back and unsay "dream team." This time, Vince, maybe stick with something like, "We have a lot of work to do, there are a lot of good teams," yada yada yada.
Philip Rivers: A DVD of Philip Rivers from 2010
Think of it as a mix tape, but instead of music that should capture the listener's soul, it would be a video that would remind Rivers that he was a great quarterback once.
If Santa has the proper video editing skills, a DVD with all of Philip Rivers' best plays from last season would be a big help for the Rivers of today.
Rivers could sit on his couch, sip some eggnog and remember, "Oh yeah, I used to pass fairly accurately...I bet I could do that again!"
A Christmas crash course is in order for Rivers.
Tony Romo: Earmuffs
It has to be hard for Tony Romo to concentrate on his throwing when he knows if he gets picked off, he's going to hear about it again and again and again a hundred times over the next week.
Cowboys fans are akin to rabid dogs. They bark and bite at the slightest movement. For any quarterback, throwing a pick is likely a bad feeling. For Romo? It's borderline dangerous.
So, perhaps we could get Romo a nice set of Earmuffs so he can block out the sound of his own fans booing him. Might help when the Cowboys make the playoffs and have to head to a colder city, too.
Von Miller: A Candy Cane
Von Miller just isn't getting the love he deserves. It's all going to those pesky rookie quarterbacks in Andy Dalton and Cam Newton.
Meanwhile, Miller and the Broncos defense have been absolutely fantastic over the past few weeks, though they aren't even getting the credit they deserve in the Denver area, where fans have eyes for no one but Tim Tebow.
It's alright, Von. You're pretty damn amazing for a rookie. Here, have a candy cane.
Sam Bradford: An Offensive Line
Sam Bradford has had a very poor year, and the Rams, once though to be the favorites in the NFC West, are just 2-10.
Their biggest weakness has been their inability to keep Bradford protected in the pocket. Bradford has been sacked 33 times, third most in the league—and that's even worse than it looks, considering he's missed three games.
So, for Christmas, let's give Bradford some offensive line help. Maybe Santa can play center?
Brett Favre: Some Attention
Poor Favre. When he said he was walking away from the game and had finally played the "Nope, I'm just messing with you..." game too many times, perhaps he didn't realize that him leaving the game would actually mean he was leaving the NFL.
So, when the Chicago Bears needed a quarterback, Favre would have apparently listened if Chicago gave him a call.
Can't you just imagine it? Favre, sitting by the phone: "Maybe they'll call..." Which turned into "When will they call?" And then it turned into, "Why aren't they calling?"
Maybe Favre just needs a little bit of the limelight to remain sane. I say we park a news van outside his house 24/7 just to make him feel special. Doesn't even have to have a crew. It being there should be enough.