NFL Power Rankings Week 13: Comparing Each NFL Team to a Family Guy Character
Now that we are three quarters of the way through the NFL season, each team has had time to show their true character. Most teams have a very distinct personality, and I'm going to try to match each NFL team with a Family Guy character.
Family Guy fans will hopefully get a kick out of some of the lesser-known characters I'm going to have to dig up to complete this list.
So without further ado I give you my NFL power rankings for Week 12: Family Guy edition.
No. 32: Indianapolis Colts/Joe Swanson
Indianapolis Colts: 0-10 (fourth in AFC South)
Once an alpha-male super-cop, suddenly crippled in one blow.
The Colts will not win a game this season.
No. 31: St. Louis Rams/Buzz Killington
St. Louis Rams: 2-8 (fourth in NFC West)
They are one of the last teams you'd want to be stuck watching this season.
They've scored the least amount of points in the league and have no flash at all.
Like Buzz Killington, they were pretty fun to watch back in the day, but paying attention to them these days is simply painful.
No. 30: Washington Redskins/Mayor Adam West
Washington Redskins: 3-7 (fourth in NFC East)
Constantly wasting large sums of money, Dan Snyder and Mike Shanahan have turned this team into a total joke the last few seasons.
Mainly living off name recognition at this point.
No. 29: Carolina Panthers/Jillian Russell
Carolina Panthers: 2-8 (fourth in NFC South)
Cam Newton has given Panthers fans lots to be hopeful for.
He and Steve Smith have made many beautiful plays this season.
Until they acquire more talent to fill out the rest of the team, they've really got no substance.
No. 28: Jacksonville Jaguars/Meg Griffin
Jacksonville Jaguars: 3-7 (third in AFC South)
Does anybody outside of Jacksonville care about the Jags?
They're never the worst team in the league, but when have they ever really been relevant or attractive?
All of their good qualities (great running back, decent defense and special teams) seem to go mostly unnoticed.
No. 27: Minnesota Vikings/Ernie the Giant Chicken
Minnesota Vikings: 2-8 (fourth in NFC North)
They always play hard and put up a fight, especially against division rivals.
At the end of the day, they really only have one thing to offer, Adrian Peterson, and with him in a walking boot they'll be like chickens with their heads cut off.
No. 26: Arizona Cardinals/Olivia Fuller
Arizona Cardinals: 3-7 (third in NFC West)
Like the Arizona Cardinals, Olivia had a very brief moment in the spotlight a couple years back, but once that failed she went right back to filling her diapers.
No. 25: Buffalo Bills/Seamus
Buffalo Bills: 5-5 (third in AFC East)
He has lost his arms, his legs and one eye.
Nobody has a history of bad luck and just being terrible like Seamus.
Except the Buffalo Bills.
No. 24: Kansas City Chiefs/Herbert
Kansas City Chiefs: 4-6 (fourth in AFC West)
No team has suffered from injuries more than the Chiefs this season.
Nearly every star on the team has been as brittle as Herbert.
No. 23: Cleveland Browns/Cleveland Brown
Cleveland Browns: 4-6 (fourth in AFC North)
About as obvious as you can get.
Both have been utter failures the last couple years.
No. 22: Tampa Bay Buccaneers/James William Bottomtooth III
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 4-6 (third in NFC South)
James Bottomtooth is a writer for The New Yorker.
He is very intelligent and sophisticated and yet his enormous lower jaw makes it impossible to tell what he's saying.
The Bucs have talent all over the field and yet can't put it together.
I can't understand the Bucs any more than Mr. Bottomtooth.
No. 21: Miami Dolphins/Tracy Flannigan
Miami Dolphins: 3-8 (fourth in AFC East)
Can you believe Tracy and this team were both once picture perfect?
Although they've shown signs of improving, these days they are just a mess.
No. 20: Denver Broncos/Jesus Christ
Denver Broncos: 5-5 (second in AFC West)
This one is aimed more at Tim Tebow than the Broncos as a whole.
Not everyone believes in him, but he has rallied a group of men behind him that have seen him work miracles and seem ready to follow him wherever he may go.
No. 19: San Diego Chargers/Chris Griffin
San Diego Chargers: 4-6 (third in AFC West)
Is anyone more of a disappointing failure than Chris Griffin?
Oh yeah, the Chargers.
No. 18: Seattle Seahawks/Pawtucket Pat
Seattle Seahawks: 4-6 (second in NFC West)
They have perhaps the best home-field advantage in the league.
If they played every game at home, they might actually be good.
But like Pawtucket Pat, once outside their home confines, they just don't look right.
No. 17: Philadelphia Eagles/James Woods
Philadelphia Eagles: 4-6 (third in NFC East)
Lots of star power, totally dysfunctional.
No. 16: Tennessee Titans/Tom Tucker
Tennessee Titans: 5-5 (second in AFC South)
Tucker's cookie duster is reminiscent of Jeff Fisher, who is the face of the Titans in my mind even though he's no longer there.
Both Tucker and the Titans are rather underrated.
Matt Hasselbeck will definitely be a TV personality after football.
No. 15: New York Jets/Peter Griffin
New York Jets: 5-5 (second in AFC East)
He's loud and obnoxious, constantly saying something he probably shouldn't.
He's both stupid and brilliant at the same time.
Same goes for Peter Griffin.
No. 14: Oakland Raiders/Death
Oakland Raiders: 6-4 (first in AFC West)
Nothing says Death like Raider Nation.
Their fans watch their games from The Black Hole and they are known for all the penalties they take and general thuggery.
No. 13: Cincinnati Bengals/Bertram
Cincinnati Bengals: 6-4 (third in AFC North)
The Bengals have turned the reins over to a young redhead with tons of potential, and he has delivered.
He and A.J. Green will be a force to be reckoned with for years to come.
No. 12: Dallas Cowboys/Connie D'Amico
Dallas Cowboys: 7-4 (first in NFC East)
The most popular kid in school but still somehow the most hated.
Jerry Jones' stadium is the envy of every other owner in the league.
No. 11: Chicago Bears/Evil Monkey
Chicago Bears: 7-3 (second in NFC North)
The Bears are a very hard-nosed team with a long history of being ruthless on defense.
They may be pretty one-dimensional now that Jay Cutler is out, but they aren't afraid to hit you in the mouth—and that just might be enough to get by.
No. 10: New York Giants/Consuela
New York Giants: 6-4 (second in NFC East)
For no other reason than this season has been the coming-out party of Victor Cruz.
No. 9: Detroit Lions/Stewie Griffin
Detroit Lions: 7-4 (third in NFC North)
They came into the season as a very popular pick to do some damage this year, and they have done a pretty good job of it for the most part.
The debacle on Thanksgiving makes it pretty evident who the dirtiest player in the league is, and nobody plays dirtier than Stewie.
No. 8: Atlanta Falcons/Mort Goldman
Atlanta Falcons: 6-4 (second in NFC South)
Even when they have success, they don't get the respect I think they deserve.
They have taken a bit of a step back this season compared to last year, but they are still solid in all aspects of the game.
They could easily make some noise if they get to the postseason.
No. 7: Houton Texans/Lois Griffin
Houston Texans: 7-3 (first in AFC South)
I don't think anyone would dispute that Lois could do way better than Peter.
I don't think anyone would dispute that the Texans should have been way better the last couple years.
Just when they looked to be heading for a great season, Matt Schaub goes down and now Matt Leinart is left trying to keep this ship afloat.
The return of Andre Johnson should go a long way toward helping that happen.
No. 6: Pittsburgh Steelers/Glen Quagmire
Pittsburgh Steelers: 7-3 (second in AFC North)
They might have an alleged sexual deviant on the team, but I somehow can't help but like the team as a whole.
Quagmire is always funny, and the Steelers are always a Super Bowl contender.
No. 5: Baltimore Ravens/Brian Griffin
Baltimore Ravens: 8-3 (first in AFC North)
They definitely have the talent and the smarts to be successful but can't seem to live up to their potential.
Brian and Quagmire do not get along at all.
No. 4: New Orleans Saints/James Carville
New Orleans Saints: 7-3 (first in NFC South)
James Carville is one of the more successful politicians/celebrities to come from Louisiana.
He represents New Orleans well, as do the Saints.
No. 3: New England Patriots/New England Patriots
New England Patriots: 7-3 (first in AFC East)
The New England Patriots have appeared as themselves on Family Guy, so this choice was rather obvious.
Tom Brady kicks Peter off the team because of his selfish and showy antics, and you get the feeling the real-life Patriots would do just the same.
The cartoon version may have had a better defense, though.
No. 2: San Fransisco 49ers/Bruce
San Fransisco 49ers: 9-2 (first in NFC West)
Bruce is known for having a multitude of different jobs throughout Quahog, and the 49ers have become a team that does everything well, too.
They have perhaps the best defense in the league, and Alex Smith is keeping mistakes to a minimum.
No. 1: Green Bay Packers: Carter Pewterschmidt
Green Bay Packers: 11-0 (first in NFC North)
The class of the NFL, the Green Bay Packers have a history of excellence, and Aaron Rodgers is simply the elite player in the game.
It will be very hard to dethrone the champs.
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