Comparing 30 Huge MLB Stars to Types of Cars
With the gargantuan contracts being handed out to ballplayers these days, even the poorest of Major League Baseball players can afford a collection of vehicles that would make even Bruce Wayne proud.
I've compared today's players to a wide variety of amusements during my time as a writer, but comparing them to types of cars was a whole new ballgame, so to speak.
In selecting a vehicle to identify with a specific player, it was based on the kind of player they are on the field, the type of playa' they are off the field and their personality in general. You'll understand in a minute.
Here are "30 Huge MLB Stars Compared to Types of Cars."
Jose Reyes: Spyder
The Spyder is a sick ride. The sleek speedster can go from 0 to 60 in 4.5 seconds—almost as fast as Jose Reyes on the basepaths.
This one even comes with a Met orange top, although he may need to replace it with Red Sox red this winter.
Albert Pujols: Ferrari
Just as the Ferrari is the class of the sports car world, Albert Pujols is the class of the baseball world. Pujols has set the standard for excellence in the league over the last decade.
When the slugger signs his lucrative contract to return to St. Louis, he may even buy one of these Cardinal red Ferrari's for each and every Cardinals' season ticket holder.
Justin Verlander: KITT
Justin Verlander is one of the few pitchers in the league to be as cool, calm and collected as The Hoff, so he'd be plenty fine rolling around in the legendary vehicle known as "KITT" from Knight Rider.
KITT was as hyper-intelligent as Verlander has proven to be on the mound this season.
Prince Fielder: Baracus
It's conceivable that Prince Fielder and Bosco "B.A." Baracus of The A-Team were identical twins separated at birth. They both carry the same demeanor, as well.
I can guarantee I wouldn't want to mess with either one of them.
Wandy Rodriguez: Overpriced
Jonathan Papelbon: Crazy Face
Am I the only person who's becoming increasingly annoyed every time Jonathan Papelbon makes this face on the mound?
"Yaaa... I threw a strike!!! AAHHHHHH" (My personal imitation of Papelbon)
Josh Hamilton: Power
The 1967 Shelby GT-500 is one of the most powerful vehicles ever made.
As powerful as Josh Hamilton really is, I had originally picked the GT-500 for him because I could picture the slugger participating in some illegal street-racing with it.
Jose Bautista: Mobster Getaway Car
For any of you who don't understand the connection between Jose Bautista and the mafia, you must watch his "Hitman" commercial.
The video starts out slow, but give it a minute, and it won't disappoint!
Felix Hernandex: The King of Cars
Being as Cadillacs are "The King of Cars," why would King Felix Hernandez roll in anything else?
Nothing says "King" more than an old, tricked-out Cadillac Eldorado.
Matt Kemp: Do-It-All
Many of you probably thought Matt Kemp would have a flashy sports car, but that's not the kind of player he is. Plus, he hasn't even signed a big free-agent contract to this point so he needs to live within his means.
If Kemp has proven anything during the 2011 season, it's that he can do it all. So can the Mercedes-Bens GL-350.
Alex Rodriguez: Not "Street Legal"
This is the perfect attention-grabbing hot-rod for Alex Rodriguez, since we know that's what he thrives for in his attempts to get out of the shadows of Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera in New York.
Considering A-Rod will do whatever means necessary to be the best, this bad-ass ride isn't what you'd call "street legal." But hey, he's only used it one time.
Brian Wilson: Clown Car
Now tell me, this doesn't look like a vehicle we'd see Brian Wilson driving around in?
After Wilson inexplicably wore a spandex tuxedo to the ESPY's a couple months back, it appears the Giants' crazy closer will do just about anything for attention.
Ryan Braun: Coolest Motorcycle Known to Man
Ryan Braun has always been a swaggerlicious dude. With the season he's put together in 2011, the NL MVP candidate has every right to be a little cocky.
The man has his own clothing line and may someday be seen cruising on this bad boy along Lake Michigan, with his long flow blowing in the wind.
Troy Tulowitzki: Girly Mobile
By no means am I implying that Troy Tulowitzki is a girl, but have you heard his entrance music over the past few years?
Anyone who walks to the box with Miley Cyrus, Brittney Spears or Katy Perry blasting throughout the stadium absolutely deserves this vehicle.
Aroldis Chapman: Fastest Car in the World
The Bugatti Veyron Super Sport is the fastest car in the world. It can go from 0 to 60 in 2.4 seconds and comes with a price tag of $1.7 million.
Aroldis Chapman threw the fastest pitch ever recorded late last season when his fastball was clocked at 105 mph.
Jimmy Rollins: Little Big Truck
I always get a laugh when I see a tiny dude get out of a monstrous truck. I guess it's all part of their Napoleon complex.
Jimmy Rollins is listed at a mere 5'8" and 170 pounds, which means he's actually closer to 5'6" and 160 pounds.
How cool would it be to see J-Roll drive up to the ball park in this beast?
CC Sabathia: Hummer
Screw gas mileage, CC Sabathia will soon be inking another $150 million-plus deal with the Yankees.
At 6'7" and pushing 300 pounds, CC needs all the space he can get.
David Ortiz: Smiley
David Ortiz always seems to have a huge smile on his face, so long as Kevin Gregg isn't pissing him off.
What better than to have a car that will smile along with him?
Justin Upton: Transformer
Justin Upton has transformed himself and the Arizona Diamondbacks during the 2011 season. It took a while, but the 23-year-old is finally a complete package on the field.
If voters get it right, they'll soon vote Bumblebee the National League MVP.
Adam Dunn: Rusty Old Beater
Just as Tommy Lasorda once said about Kurt Bevacqua, Adam Dunn "couldn't hit water if he fell out of a (bleep)ing boat."
Considering Dunn has 107 total bases in 110 games this season, he's ran the bases about as much as this wheel-less, rusty old piece of junk.
Cliff Lee: General Lee
I hadn't even heard of The Dukes of Hazard until the movie came out a few years ago, but I quickly realized that the "General Lee" is a very mean ride.
The car is practically named after Cliff Lee, who by no coincidence comes from southern roots.
Roy Halladay: Ambulance
It's rather fitting to see Roy Halladay driving an ambulance, although no ordinary ambulance would suffice.
This is what Doc's would look like if I could get it on Pimp My Ride, but Xzibit won't return my phone calls (he claims that he doesn't know me).
Vladimir Guerrero: Wally Wagon
As of early 2009, Vlad Guerrero had four kids with four different women. Who knows what the number is at now.
I can't imagine how awkward the family vacations must be. The good thing is, they'll all be nice and snug in the Wally Wagon.
Derek Jeter: Chick Magnet
Derek Jeter is as much a captain off the field as he is on the field. Seriously, check out the very impressive list of hotties on his dating resume.
Jeter doesn't need the hot ride to get the sexiest of ladies, but rolling around on wheels like this definitely couldn't hurt.
Hanley Ramirez: Wienermobile
Hanley Ramirez is the biggest wiener (and whiner) in Major League Baseball. That's pretty much all I need to say about it.
Johnny Damon: Party On, Garth
It only makes sense for the dumbest player in Major League Baseball today to drive around in the car of arguably the least intelligent movie character of all time, albeit he was rather hilarious.
Damon is a self-proclaimed "idiot," while Garth from Wayne's World probably can't even spell "idiot."
Mariano Rivera: Old Ford Truck
Mariano Rivera is like an old Ford truck with a solid 250,000 miles on it.
It may appear to be getting raggedy and beat up, but it still runs great and is as dependable as ever.
Miguel Cabrera: Police Car
Cheap shot, I know. Especially since Cabrera is usually riding in the back seat.
One of these days, he'll learn from the "Under the Influence, Under Arrest" slogan we see all over television.
Dustin Pedroia: Beetle
Dustin Pedroia doesn't need much leg room in his vehicle, that's for sure.
The Boston Red Sox's wee-little second baseman is the ideal shape and size for a feminine vehicle such as this—so long as he remembers his booster seat!
Tim Lincecum: Pot Mobile
Was this the vehicle Tim Lincecum was driving when he got busted with some doobies? It could have been, but unlike most hippies, I doubt he'd live in the back of it.
Lincecum's may even rest on his lawn with no wheels, used for the sole purpose of hot-boxing. Hey Timmy, puff-puff-pass, bro.
Jeffrey Beckmann is a MLB Featured Columnist for Bleacher Report. Follow Jeffrey on his new Twitter account for all of his latest work. You can also hear him each Friday at 1 p.m. EST on B/R Baseball Roundtable.
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