NFL Lockout: The NHL Will Only Gain Greg Jennings and More Cable TV Cameos

The 21st century was relatively hiccup-free. Fittingly, hockey—the sport that could lock out and no one would really notice—was the first to do just that. Now, two true major sports have corrupted the complacent cabana that is the world of professional sports and not even my perfectly utilized alliteration seems powerful enough to set things back on track.

Yes, this is a lockout story. Yes, there are thousands of lockout stories. No, this is not going to knock you on your backside. But I would, however, like to dispel some rumors.

If you're like me—the casual Boston Bruins fan who was happy to see the team win, but not out in the street setting trash cans on fire—you have probably heard the hardcore NHL fans prophetically claiming: "In a world with no football and no basketball, hockey will rise to the pulpit and save the sports-starved world."

Very artistic, and a more-than-adequate teaser for a comic book or graphic novel, but is it really accurate? 

I say nay!

Let's just entertain the notion that the overpaid athletes and the over-wealthy owners can't come to a legitimate reconciliation over their six- and seven-figure salaries. The league minimum is $285,000. That is the least you can possibly make in the NFL. I'd have to work—with a college degree—for probably a better part of a decade before even grossing that kind of cheese.

Naturally this amount is not satisfactory, but I digress. 

So, no NFL. No NBA. Pick-up basketball games just can't satisfy that hunger for Sunday-night nachos and cheap indigestion-inducing wings. 

What is there to be done?

I'm not certain, but I can tell you one thing: the answer won't be the NHL.

• Names are too hard to pronounce, let alone remember.
• The puck is too small to see unless you are watching in a movie theatre.
• Try to explain—just once—what icing is, and you will get the strangest looks of your life.
• The goal is so small, and the goalie is so big.
• The best American player in the league—Ryan Kesler—plays his home games in Canada. 

Before I am crucified by every NHL fan and their mothers, let me say those reasons are simply what I say when I want to anger over-eager NHL fans.

My real reasoning why the NHL is at its interest-peak in the US already, is much more eloquent. 

Exposure

With the Chicago Blackhawks and Boston Bruins winning the last two Stanley Cups, the hockey world is back where it belongs. Unfortunately, that nest is firmly built on Versus, a cable channel that 75 percent of subscribers probably wouldn't know. Only two Stanley Cup games this year ended up on NBC.

There are reasons for this: ratings and contracts.

NBC has teamed with Versus Sports, and could build a larger contract with the NHL, but it would not be worth it to them. CBS wouldn't even consider it. 

The argument that a contract will be negotiated to air prime time hockey consistently in the wake of a locked out NFL is utterly ridiculous.

First, any deal brokered would last no more than one year, and if it did, the networks would begin to hemorrhage money if they were locked into a contract with the NHL and missed out on marquee NFL matchups, which will inevitably happen.

On top of that, even if some short-term deal was brokered, it would only really benefit the NHL on Sundays and Mondays. I take that back, because reruns of "Two and a Half Men" would still be the highest rated television show on Monday nights, and even an avid hockey fan would likely watch that over a Blue Jackets-Oilers matchup. I don't care how good Rick Nash is.

If anything, your local church will see a tidal wave of attendance, especially on the West Coast. We all feel for you out there. That 10 a.m. kickoff must be killer.

American Psyche

We, in our magnificent US of A, have redefined ourselves as a football country. Whether it be due to the 10-second attention span of the youth, resulting in the inability of most to sit through an entire three-hour baseball game, or the pipe-dream that is an NFL contract, this is what we have become. 

Sit through 15 minutes of any episode of "SportsCenter," and you will see at least one lockout story, probably two. The WNBA is in the playoffs. The women's FIFA World Cup is in full swing, the MLS exists in some distant reality, but the editors of the most-watched sports program on the planet know what to lead with.

For Heaven's sake, Greg Jennings just appeared on an episode of USA's "Royal Pains" and I have to say he wasn't bad. "Space Jam 2," anyone? I know Bugs Bunny would be down, Lola Bunny might be harder to get, but if we can get Daffy Duck and Porky Pig we could probably do without her.

If you just considered that movie, and lost track of the NHL completely, you have proven my argument.

NFL fans won't change—they won't become NHL or MLS or WNBA or LPGA or whatever type of fan you can imagine. They will watch ESPN for lockout updates and go to church.

A Fitting End

Any and all NHL fans are simply setting themselves up for a letdown if they think for a moment a surge in popularity is going to occur for the Canadian Pastime. 

My advice: Enjoy the high point, but don't expect it to continue. There will only be disappointment.

Just ask Vancouver. I'm pretty sure the Canucks are still rebuilding.