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NFL Lockout Player Odd Jobs

K BFeatured ColumnistJune 1, 2011

NFL Lockout Player Odd Jobs

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    Jamie Squire/Getty Images

    Because both the NFLPA and the owners have been stubborn in their beliefs, there has yet to be a compromise. Therefore, as of June 1, there is still an NFL lockout.

    Some players like Reggie Bush are making like Peter Gibbons of Office Space and taking full advantage of the concept of doing nothing during the offseason.

    Others, I am sure, have woken up to find themselves lying on their bathroom floor, collapsing after not being able to cope with the hard fact that they might have to find real jobs.

    Then there are the others who have taken their nose to the grindstone and have dove headfirst into the world of the average Joe.

    Hopefully, the job interviews went better than this one.


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    Most comedians have to pay their dues and run the dire gauntlet of stand-up when they first start.

    When you go that route, there is a lot of being the guy on the couch, eating ramen three meals a day, and wandering the streets aimlessly like a confused homeless man, just to find a gig.

    But if you're a professional athlete, trying to be funny in front of six people in a remodeled shed goes out the window.

    When you're that rich and famous like Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson or Chiefs' running back Thomas Jones, just work for Jimmy Kimmel.

    Or, make your own video like Seahawks' Raheem Brock and Chester Pitts.

Playing MLS Soccer

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    Jamie Squire/Getty Images

    If you're an NFL player taking a long look at your current resume, many of the skills you list would include athletic ability, speed, agility and...that's about it.

    Chad Ochocinco must have figured that he can do all that, plus kick a ball far.

    Well, why not try out for an MLS soccer team

    That is exactly what Ochocinco did when he took part in a four day tryout for the Kansas City Wizards.

    Ochocinco wasn't offered a contract, but he is still an "honorary member." 


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    Al Bello/Getty Images

    If you're a defensive specialist for a football squad, beating the living piss out of someone with your body really gets the juices flowing.

    But with the lockout, what is a person who enjoys inducing pain onto another human, but doesn't want to real with the stuffy ramifications of the law, to do?

    Take part in the sport of boxing, of course!

    The Ravens' Tom Zbikowski has done so. He is good too.

    According to ESPN, he is 4-0 with three KOs. Before playing football at Notre Dame, he was a three-time Silver Gloves national finalist and competed in the Golden Gloves as well. 

    Vikings' defensive end Ray Edwards has also gotten into the ring. He won a fight on May 20 against T.J Gibson, with teammates Tarvaris Jackson, Antoine Winfield, Kevin Williams and Pat Williams cheering him on.

    Rocky did boxing as an odd job, so why can't these athletes? 

Went Back to School

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    If you still want to avoid the labors of employment, going back and partying, I mean, getting your degree is always an option.

    Panthers'  Jimmy Clausen, Steelers' Troy Palamalu, Patriots' Ty Warren, Seahawks' Golden Tate and 49ers' Curtis Holcomb have all gone back to school.

    I think these guys will stand out even more than those 40-year-olds who went back to school. 

    By the way, how awesome would it be to see these guys put on college uniforms again.


Compete in a Game Show

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    If you're an NFL player and you want more opportunities for money, fame and the acceptance of middle-aged women, just take part in a popular game show and triumph over a beluga whale!

    A USA today article said that Ward competing in Dancing with the Stars "...opens him up to a whole new audience," Dorfman said. "You start getting women watching, older people, a broader audience."

    And the only thing you have to sacrifice is your self-respect. How easy is that?

    I can't wait to see him in an advertisement that features medicine that helps with the side affects of menopause or as a new judge on American Idol.  

Abercrombie & Fitch Manager

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    Denver Broncos wide receiver Britt Davis was, in his words, offered a managerial job at Abercrombie & Fitch.

    Can you handle working in an environment that is similar to a dark-and-wet cave?

    Can your eardrums take the constant punishment of a heavy bass filling every room of the store?

    Can you deal with tweens screaming like banshees, stomping their feet and welling up with tears as their parents deny them a $30 polo?

    If you can, then take the job Britt.

    But only if your physical beauty meets their harsh and judgmental standards. 

Suit Salesman

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    Nick Laham/Getty Images

    As a suit salesman at Eric Finn Custom Clothiers, Moise Fokou could be looking forward to thrilled couples ready for an engagement, excited graduates ready for their first job interviews, or anxious high schoolers ready for prom.

    The bright side of not making buku bucks like an NFL player is at least you probably deal with customers who are always happy.

    Fokou is also interning at a radio station and shadowing a financial advisor.

    This dude is really preparing to be a former player.

Coffee Shop Employee

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    Winston Justice opened his own coffee shop named Elixr.

    It's already better than Starbucks because it is made with love by a professional athlete.

    Not to sound like old man Boberg here, but if I owned my own coffee shop, I wouldn't allow smelly hipsters into my beautiful shop.

    Which means my shop would be in business for about an hour.


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    Dallas Clark was recently given the chance to act in the television show Criminal Minds.

    He was given the opportunity because staff writer Rick Dunkle is a big Colts fan.

    Somewhere, a struggling and penniless actor of 20 years who is still waiting tables in Hollywood is slamming his head against a wall in frustration. 

Bull Riding

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    Ochocinco couldn't make it as a MLS soccer player, so why not try being a bull rider?

    Cincinnati Bengals fans held their collective breath as Ochocinco donned all-black cowboy gear and decided to ride a bull for charity.

    Well, that didn't work out too well, either. He only lasted 1.5 seconds, but I swear it was shorter than that. He was bucked immediately out of the gate.

    Oh well.

    At least now I can take full advantage of an excuse to show Doug Flutie's daughter riding a mechanical bull.

Professional Golfer

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    Tony Romo attempted to play in the US Open in 2010 and shot a 2-under 69, but then had to pull out (brain immediately thinks of Tiger Woods) because the sectional would have conflicted with football practice.

    This year, he shot a nine-over 81.


    His professional golfing career is eerily similar to his professional football career.

    Show promise early, then fail so know one really knows how good you are.

    But at the end of the day, Tony the Tiger is the real winner because he gets to sleep next to Candace Crawford every night.

Digging Ditches

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    Miami Dolphins wide receiver Davone Bess is working for Global Volunteers in Costa Rica.

    In a South Florida Sun-Sentinel article, Bess said: "I had an epiphany one night. With all I've been through on and off the field, God has put me in a position to be a difference maker and to change lives. If I can help someone make a difference and impact someone's life, I want to do that to the best of my ability."

    I just can't help it. All I hope for is Bess on a blazing summer day screaming "TAKIN' IT OFF HERE, BOSS!"

Private Equity Firm

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    Zoltan Mesko, a rookie punter for the New England Patriots, is currently working for a private equity firm named Graham Partners in Philadelphia

    I can just picture this:

    Mesko is up to his neck in stacks of files on his desk in September.

    Trying to avert his attention from boring paper work for a few-second break, he turns his head and takes his attention to the window.

    He then spots a group of children playing a game of football in a nearby park. Mesko lets out a long and drawn out sigh of depression and throws his 20th pencil into the ceiling. 

WWE Wrestler

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    James Laurinitis has put in some slight consideration about following in his father's footsteps and creating the Legion of Doom 2.0.

    Ochocinco may also have a future in WWE wrestling after appearing with the Miz almost a year ago.

    Child please. What am I thinking?

Star in a Crappy Reality Television Show

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    If there really is a lockout, TO and Ochocinco can always go and continue to entertain the mindless drones of America with a reality television show.

    And when I am talking about mindless drones, I am, of course, talking about myself.

    What? I can't help that I desperately want those two to find true love!

    If we really want reality show entertainment, how has Survivor not had an NFL version of their show?

Snake Wrangler

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    Hey, another Ochocinco showing!

    He might have failed more times than Abraham Lincoln, but much like our 16th President of the United States, Ochocinco never gives up.

    Much to the chagrin of Bengals owner Mike Brown, maybe wrangling with snakes will be Ochocinco's final calling.

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