End of the World May 21: 10 Signs of Apocalypse from the NFL
So apparently, the world is supposed to come to Judgement Day on May 21, and subsequently end on either October 21, 2011, December 21, 2012, or some other random time.
While there are reasons aplenty why our society is bad and should be punished, the NFL may hold the clues as to why Judgement Day will be happening.
In the years 2010 and 2011 in the NFL, many apocalyptic events took place, and it is our job as NFL fans to realize them.
Now, here are the ten signs of the apocalypse from the NFL over the past two years.
The Lions Are Getting Good
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Detroit has, historically, been a laughing stock of the NFL, having never appeared in a Super Bowl game.
However, the Lions are getting better and better, and they must be stopped before they shift the balance of the world and win the big game.
The universe did all that it could this past season by keeping Matthew Stafford on the sideline with a divinely-intervened shoulder injury, but it was only a temporary fix.
The Lions may be too strong for the universe to hold off for another year, so the apocalypse may as well happen before a Super Bowl in Detroit does.
Brett Favre Is Serious About Retiring
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It seems that finally, Brett Favre is serious about retiring from the game of football and leaving behind a storied legacy.
Favre is an undoubted future hall-of-famer, but without Favre in the NFL, how can the world carry on?
Favre is like electricity in the sense that the world went on before him, but once he debuted, we wondered how we ever lived without him.
Now that Favre is gone, however, there is no clear point to the world's existence anymore, and the world would be better off just ending than living on without Favre.
Blaine Gabbert Was Drafted in the First-Round
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Looking back, we could have avoided Judgement Day.
Todd McShay lauded Blaine Gabbert as a top-flight quarterback in this draft class, and we all believed him for some reason.
The Jaguars bought into the hype, and traded up to the tenth overall pick to nab the Missouri signal-caller.
Only now are we finding out that the Gabbert hyping was a test to see if we'd stay true to our own intuitions about rookie spread quarterbacks with limited accuracy and not just what Todd McShay said about intangibles and athleticism—we failed, and deserve Judgement Day for it.
The NFC West
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The NFC West's existence is the most distinctive sign of the apocalypse.
Because of this division, a certain 7-9 team in Seattle not only made the playoffs, but went on to win against the defending Super Bowl Champions.
Some other highlights from the NFC West include, but aren't limited to: a Week 17 clash between two sub-.500 teams for the division title, Derek Anderson starting an NFL game, Max Hall starting an NFL game, John Skelton starting an NFL game, and the St. Louis Rams being 'competitive'.
Brian St. Pierre Threw a Touchdown Pass Against the Ravens
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Well this is just a tragedy.
After the Ravens worked so hard to build a reputation as one of the NFL's best defenses, they went and let up a touchdown pass to Brian St. Pierre and the eventual 2-14 Carolina Panthers.
Granted, it may have been one touchdown pass, but it was rumored that St. Pierre yelled after the play that it was "one small pass for man, one giant pass for mankind."
Maybe we do deserve Judgement Day, after all.
Dan Snyder Spent Free Agent Money Unwisely
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Wait, no, that's a regular occurrence.
Peyton Hillis Won the Madden Cover
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EA Sports and ESPN SportsNation decided to collaborate on a fun, fan-based project in which gamers voted for who they wanted on the cover of Madden 12.
Little did they know that the fans would vote in Peyton Hillis.
Now, granted, Hillis is a talented, young running back who is a developing cult hero for the Cleveland Browns, and the city of Cleveland certainly needs a replacement for LeBron James.
No, Really, Brian St. Pierre Threw a Touchdown Pass Against the Ravens
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I'm sorry, but this bears repeating.
Brian St. Pierre got the opportunity to suit up in an NFL uniform, and then he proceeded to throw a touchdown pass against the Baltimore Ravens.
This happened, and we let it happen.
If Judgement Day indeed doesn't take place, we need to make sure that an utter travesty like this doesn't take place again.
The Oakland Raiders Could Not Waste a First-Rounder on a Terrible Player
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Leave it to Bill Belichick to ensure the world's ending.
Belichick had foresight to take Oakland's 2011 first-rounder for Richard Seymour, forcing the Raiders to watch as every other NFL team didn't take a player who translated terribly to the NFL but posted great combine numbers.
The Raiders weren't allowed to save DeMarcus Van Dyke or Buster Skrine from falling out of the first round because the team had no first-rounder in the first place, a true sign that the world must be ending.
The NFL Leading Rusher Was Arian Foster
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It wasn't Adrian Peterson, and it wasn't Chris Johnson—Arian Foster was the most productive running back in the NFL in 2010.
The NFL is moving to a two-back system not because of shortened running back careers or the NFL's move toward being a passing league, but because we all feared that this day would come.
The NFL tried, certainly, to move to an all two-back league before Arian Foster got the chance to become the leading rusher in the NFL, but alas, they were too late.
Now, we can only hope the powers that be will have mercy on our souls.