NFL Lockout: 25 Players Who Could Eat Their Way out of the League by 2012
With the NFL players locked out, and no player-coach interaction allowed, the NFL is at one of its greatest crossroads. Many fear that players will lose valuable time in the film room and with their coaches, learning all of the plays on both sides of the ball.
Unfortunately, some coaches need to worry less about the weight room and more about the snack room. Some of these behemoths weigh in at over 350 pounds. This includes practice all week, games on Sunday, and offseason workouts.
While all players at risk, there are some that we think will be dipping their hand in the cookie jar a few more times than normal. Boredom leads to eating, eating leads to weight, and for some of these guys, it'll mean either a butt kicking workout when the game resumes, or a TLC special about not being able to get out of bed.
Here are the 25 guys that we feel are at greatest risk to eating their way out of the league when they trade in their playbook for a sandwich.
25. Roy Williams: Wider Receiver, Cowboys
Wait, isn’t Roy Williams skinny? Answer: Yes
Wait, hasn’t Roy Williams production gone down each year leading us to believe he will be cut/traded? Answer: Yes
Dallas is the 4th fattest city in the country. If there was ever a time for a player to let himself go in the worst possible city, it would be now.
Apparently Williams is so lazy, he wears number 11 because it makes him look slim and it is easy to write when he signs autographs. See you on the other side of 250 my friend.
24. Beanie Wells: Running Back, Cardinals
He apparently got the nickname Beanie because when he was younger, he was thin like a bean pole. We think that will change.
Wells has been often injured throughout his time in the league. These injuries will keep Wells from doing too many off the field activities. He is a big guy as it is, and without much to do, Wells could return a little plumper.
23. Jay Cutler: Quarterback, Bears
Jay Cutler? But he is a quarterback. He cannot be eating that much. Well you know, he has that nagging knee injury , and if he cannot play in the NFC Championship Game, then I doubt he is going to be able to get out of bed in the morning and go through workouts.
Cutler is a gentle man, who probably needs to be fed each morning in his bed. I would not be surprised if he plays the aching knee card all year. Gaining weight would not be out of the question for this pampered star. Haha, sorry I mean dud.
22. Marion Barber: Running Back, Cowboys
Barber III has lost his starting spot for the Cowboys and appears to be out the door when free agency resumes. He was always the bruising running back of the trio in big D. Now that he cannot hit people anymore, the snack pantry should look out because it is next.
Someone get this guy a coach, immediately.
21. Terrence Cody: Defensive Tackle, Ravens
You do not get the nickname "Mount Cody" without weighing in at 350 pounds. The Ravens nose tackle did not play a lot in 2010, and this is an important offseason for the young stud. I hope that him and Haloti Ngata do not go out to eat too often, because they can literally close a place out.
Cody has, at times, gotten to upwards of 400 pounds; this is a number that no Ravens personnel wants to see.
20. Brandon Jackson: Running Back, Packers
I do not doubt that he is in impeccable shape. I worry that Ryan Grant is coming back and James Starks took over a majority of the carries at the end of last year.
He has to know that the Packers are not going to keep him. His value is non-existent, and he has had the chance to be a featured back. I can see him going on an eating binge if there is no season.
There is a ton of cheese in Green Bay. That’s a lot of calories.
19. Terrell Owens: Wide Receiver, Bengals
Terrell Owens is in incredible shape. We saw him working out on his driveway for the media, remember?
But this is also an emotional man. He is someone who we have seen cry, scream, laugh, and celebrate. Without football, Owens is going to eat his emotions. One-yard receptions will be replaced by one yard sub sandwiches. The only spread he will be covering is the one on his toast. The only game he will be playing on Sundays is Madden.
I hope he does not treat chefs like quarterbacks, or this could be a long offseason.
18. Randy Moss: Wide Receiver, Titans
What is in the water in Tennessee? I know they use it to make Jack Daniels, but it doesn’t mean they have to drink it all.
Randy Moss has lost all motivation for the game. He played on three teams…in one season! What is he a special teams player? If he does not move out of Tennessee fast, I can see him migrating to Memphis, the 5th fattest city in the USA.
First day of training camp 2012:
Go deep Randy….
(wheezing) I’ll be there in a second.
17. Brandon Jacobs: Running Back, Giants
Jacobs was considered “earth” in the trio of running backs for the Giants back in 2008, because of his ability to run through people when necessary. Ahmad Bradshaw has been slowly taking over the running back duties for Big Blue, and my gut tells me Jacobs could eat his feelings away this offseason.
If he confirms my expectations, the only thing he’ll be running over are the old ladies in the supermarket.
16. Robert Gallery: Offensive Guard/Tackle, Raiders
Sometimes when I look at him, I seriously cannot tell the difference between him and The Great Khali. At 6-7, 325, people wonder how this guy was not better than he turned out to be.
Gallery is looking for a change of scenery. May I suggest he stay away from Philly (cheese steaks) or anywhere in the south to keep the weight off.
15. Peyton Manning’s Backup
This is how this conversation is going:
Manning: “Listen, I know you want to get into the game, but that is not going to happen. If you want to make yourself useful, you can go warm-up my car.”
Painter: (moodily) “Fine, but I want to play.”
Manning: (shaking head and rolling his eyes) “I know, I know.”
There is really no need for the position. The guy can let himself go and nobody would know.
14. Mike Williams: Wide Receiver, Seahwaks
During his brief stint in Detroit, Williams was fined over $400,000 for being late and overweight. He has revitalized his career in Seattle, but in his new contract, there is a fat tax that allows the team to void his contract if he shows up overweight.
He showed up to camp one year at almost 270 pounds. That’s lineman status. He has trimmed down and looks to be going in the right direction. Give the man a season off, and he might come back waddling more like a penguin that soaring like a hawk.
13. Michael Turner: Running Back, Falcons
After the 2008 offseason, Turner came to camp a little “plump” as he called it. He had gained weight in all the wrong places, and lost a lot of his mobility. It took him half the season to get in better shape, followed by an ankle injury.
He made a conscious effort after the 2009 season to get back to his playing form, resulting in a rebound season.
I don’t know about you, but I just do not trust a guy that ate like that after having a great season. Think about how much he will eat if he has no season.
12. Ricky Williams: Running Back, Dolphins
Ricky once gave up the game of football so that he could smoke and study. With a league wide sabbatical, I do not see Williams coming back. The last time he left football, he gained weight, and it took a long time for him to get back into proper shape.
This time, it will be more difficult.
Next time we see him it may be wheeze Ricky wheeze, not run Ricky run.
11. Lendale White: Running Back, Broncos
In an interview with NBC Sports, Lendale White once said, "[The weight loss] wasn't a lot of major diet changes. (It was) watching what I drink. I was a big Patron consumer. ... That's what it was. I was drinking a lot, drank a lot of alcohol. I cut that out of my diet all the way. I don't drink at all. I cut the drinking, I stopped drinking for six months.”
He lost 30 pounds by not drinking. That is a lot to lose. I’m going to say that there is more to that. So without football, it’s fair to handicap his weight gain at about 30+ pounds because no exercise + poolside drinking = Lendale “Humpty” White.
10. Andrew Whitworth: Offensive Tackle, Bengals
Whiteworth was recently quoted as saying that he believes that the longer the lockout lasts, the more lazy the players will become.
Code: If you don't make me come to practice, I'm going to sit around and do nothing. Yeah that's right....NOTHING!
So it is only logical that we would but the Bengals' offense tackle high on the list people that are going to lose all motivation, gain 45 pounds, and as he says, "You will get a lot of guys who will say, 'We're not even going to play. I'm not going to work hard all the time.'
By other guys, he means him.
9. Flozell Adams: Offensive Tackle, Steelers
Adams has a history of tripping players. Is this dirty, or is he simply too slow and/or lazy to move? He came out of retirement to play for the Steelers in 2010, but at 6’7’’ and 340, a lockout all but certainly will end his time in the NFL.
After a quick search with our friends at Wikipedia I have found that there are plenty of great foods for Adams to get even fatter on. The Clark Bar and the Klondike Bar were both created in Pittsburgh. Don’t forget the classic Italian sausages either.
8. Vince Young: Quarterback, FA (soon to Be)
Where to begin with Vince Young? Throw out the feuding with coaches and the lack of mental strength and get to the bottom of Vince Young’s problem and you will find it begins with a lack of discipline. That discipline has lost him a staring job and all but ended his relationship in Tennessee.
His arm angle is questionable. What should concern his next team is that he is still a “running quarterback” at 230 pounds. If he takes a year off, with no team on his mind, the only thing he will be lifting are the 30 racks of beer from his car to his house.
There is a reason Peyton Manning doesn’t run. He is 230 pounds as well and realizes he isn’t going anywhere carrying that much weight.
7. Shaun Rogers: Defensive Tackle, Saints
Rogers is one of the few players to sign with a new team before the lockout became official. The new Saints lineman needs the season to take place. The rich New Orleans food and the cheap drinks will be the death of his career.
Already tipping the scales at 350, the last thing Rogers needs is further temptations.
6. Sione Pouha: Defensive End, Jets
Do not go any farther without watching this video. I assume Pouha eats just like many other lineman do before and after the game, but you could never really imagine what it is exactly.
Pouha is one of the Jets’ versatile linemen, who can play both the outside and inside line positions. If he continues to eat like this, without going through the type of rigorous workouts that he is accustomed to, there will be no need to lineup multiple defensive linemen, because he will take up all five of them.
5. Bryant McKinnie: Offensive Tackle, Vikings
McKinnie’s $100,000 bar tab over a month ago leads me to believe that he will be hitting the bottle pretty hard during his time off. The Vikings star tackle has had many issues off the field, and we believe the lack of discipline will make its way to his eating habits.
At 31, McKinnie looks to have lost some of his speedy footwork that made him a top draft pick. Add time off, alcohol, and some cheeseburgers to his already massive 335-pound frame, and we might confuse McKinnie for grimace.
4. Casey Hampton: Defensive Tackle, Steelers
In order to play the 3-4 defense, you need a guy that can clog the middle. Casey Hampton is the definition of a man that once in the middle of something is not easily moved.
What should scare Steelers fans is his history with injuries. 325 pounds of man is a lot to put on those two knees.
In addition, Hampton was put the on PUP list for not being able to pass his physical running examination. Mind you, this was after an offseason where he knew he had to return to work. I fear for this man’s kitchen.
3. Max Jean-Gilles: Offensive Guard, Eagles
Congratulations Max, you are the fattest man on the list. Gean-Gilles is the first active player to get lap band surgery in order to help reduce his weight. He is hoping to get down to a slim 335 from almost 400 pounds.
Without a season, I pray for the band.
2. Albert Haynesworth: Defensive Tackle, Redskins
Hey, hey, hey...I’m faattt Albert.
The guy did not play when there was a season.
Haynesworth allegedly assaulted a fellow motorist during a road rage incident. I feel bad for the person that gets in the way between him and buffet line. $100 million goes quickly when you need to feed a man of his size. He needs a season for so many reasons.
Hopefully he can get on a team that actually lets him play.
1. Vince Wilfork: Defensive Tackle, Patriots
He is a monster. How can we trust a man that has the word fork in his name? Wilfork must eat an incredible amount in order to maintain the weight that he is at. I’m sure in the team cafeteria, coach Belichick comes by and will give Vince a stare when he picks up his fourth steak.
It might be hard to keep a man with that type of appetite away from cleaning out CiCi's.
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