Boston Red Sox Carl Crawford & Adrian Gonzalez: Big Bats That Need Big Nicknames
With so many high profile faces coming to the Boston Red Sox, it seems only fitting that some big time nicknames be assigned. We need to find ones befitting the size of the contracts, power of the bats, and overall exceptional play expected from these guys.
David Ortiz takes the nickname cake with Big Papi. It fits him perfectly. He is a slugger of a DH who has come through time and again in clutch situations with the needed home run jack or sack fly. No Red Sox, or Yankees fan for that matter, can forget the walk off hits he had in the 2004 come-from-behind American League Championship Series.
Big Papi is perfect for Ortiz, so what about incoming transfers Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford? Usually I would hesitate to assign a sweet moniker to a couple of newbies, but these guys have signed contracts bigger than Dustin Pedroia’s ego (and I mean that lovingly Pedey), so you have to figure that they are in a two sox uniform for the long haul.
Without further ado, a list of the Boston Red Sox players and my attempt (I use that term loosely) at their nicknames.
Does Salty Really Need To Be Spiced Up?
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At the catcher position: Jarrod Saltalamacchia
Commonly referred to as Salty, but frankly that is just too easy. Personally, I am thinking of something to do with the jewelry store. Like when Salty calls a good pitch and people wonder where his skill at the dish came from, you could say “He got it at Jarrod.” Too much of a reach? Yeah, OK, we will stick with Salty then. Besides, he may not even be around come opening day, what with Russell Martin still available.
Forgive Me Padre, For I Have Sinned
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At first base, we have newbie number one: Adrian Gonzalez
One of my readers commented that the Great Gonzo might work while another referred to him as A-Gone. I am not opposed to either of those, but being as how I am supposed to be coming up with something original and already succumbed to failure with Salty, I am going to try and push through with Mr. Gonzalez.
No matter how hard I try, I can’t get Stallone, as Rocky, out of my mind. “Yo, Adrian.” It’s an obvious one, I know, but it never happened for me with Adrian Beltre. I’m also liking “Father Adrian” or just “El Padre.” He did play for San Diego after all and he can send the ball to the heavens. Too corny?
Dustin Destroya-Pedroia
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Manning second base is my all time favorite baseball player, Mr. Dustin “Pedey” Pedroia.
Another reader commented and called him the “Super Midget.” Fitting to be sure. This kid has excelled when everyone at every level told him he would fail. He is like my friend Bog. Nobody thought that boy was going to amount to anything in life and he is now happily married with two great kids, a dog, a house, a great truck and a high paying job. Ah, just kidding folks, it’s actually his wife’s truck. Yeah, we know who wears the pants in that family.
“Pedey” is a great nickname, but he is more like “The Little Engine That Could.” I am going with “The Giant.” He has the swing of one and he plays at second base with the reach of one, so why not call him one. Thoughts?
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Oil That Is. Texas Tea. Black Gold.
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At Shortstop will be Jed Lowrie. Maybe it is just me, but this guy doesn’t look like a ball player. He’s just too skinny. Every time I hear his name, I think of Jed Clampett. Can we call Lowrie “The Oil Baron?” Nah, that doesn’t quite work. How about “Mr. DL?” Yeah, I like that one. Let’s hope he stays off of it next year.
Yooooooouuuuuuuk
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Moving across the diamond from first to third is everybody’s favorite Kevin Youkilis. Youk is chanted through out Fenway Park (and let’s be honest, every other park the Sox play in as well) every time this bald, goof gets up to bat.
I never thought anyone would top Nomar Garciaparra as far as odd batting rituals go, but Youk’s batting stance is quite possibly the most bizarre I have seen to date. We can go with names like “The Big Baldy” and “The Bald Bomber”, but I don’t think we can replace “Youk.”
Rapido
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In left field will probably be Carl Crawford, the second of our new additions. The guy has a powerful bat, great defensive skills, and speed for days. With he and Jacoby Ellsbury in the outfield together, if a single ball not hit toward JD Drew touches the turf, I will be shocked.
Speedy Gonzalez might work for Crawford except that his fellow freshman is actually named [Adrian] Gonzalez. Though if we go with Speedy Gonzalez for Crawford, then that opens the door for Youkilis to be the namesake of Speedy’s long time friend, Slowpoke Rodriguez (Youk is slow right? Maybe this would also work for JD Drew.)
If Manny were still on the Red Sox, then this wouldn’t even be a discussion. Actually his name would be “Let-me-watch-my-hit-as-I-walk-to-first-base-then-realize-that-it-is-staying-in-the-park-and-I-just-turned-a-for-sure-double-into-a-base-hit-because-I-was-lazy Rodriguez.”) Just a thought. What are yours?
Run Forrest Run
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Moving back to center should be Jacoby Ellsbury.
I believe he is the only player of Native American heritage to currently play in the big leagues. Can I use a lifeline on this one please, Regis? I’d like to poll the audience. Am I correct on the Ellsbury/Native American thing? Either way, if he can stay healthy then it will be a lot of fun to watch the base stealing competition blossom between he and Carl Crawford. We shall call him “Running Sox.”
Dad Still Has a Cannon For an Arm
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In Right Field will be JD Drew.
It just feels like Drew has been with the team for ages, does it not? He has such a quiet presence about him and such a cool, effortless swing. It almost seems that he knows something the rest of us don’t. He has the knowledge that can only be acquired through age and experience. Plus he tends to get hurt at least once a year like an old man. For these reasons, JD Drew will be known as “Dad”.
The Original Big Papi
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As far as starters go, we are left with our slow starting but trusty DH, David Ortiz. Well, so much for being original. You just can’t mess with “Big Papi.”
I’d make an attempt at the starting rotation, but I think I’ve bored you enough for one column. I’ll ponder over the pitchers for a bit and see if I can come up with anything good for another article.
What can you guys come up with?
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