"Come with me, and you'll be...in a world of pure imagination." You will also find some darn tasty stadium delicacies.
Consider this a brief jaunt through various MLB stadiums featuring the best in food items. I will be your Willy Wonka guide of sorts.
Don't worry, because nobody will get turned into a giant blueberry—we hope.
Of course, we haven't been fortunate enough to have eaten and imbibed all of these delicious sports items, so we decided to cull the Internet for their best suggestions and have determined the most interesting from there.
This being the case, we welcome any and all suggestions for food we may have missed or some alternate thoughts on items listed below.
Now, we have all heard of Dodger Dogs and understand the best in garlic fries is being offered at AT&T Park. And yes, we are well aware of Shake Shack at Citi Field and Primanti Bros. at PNC Park, so we tried to incorporate the lesser-known superstars throughout sport.
Now let's pick up that virtual knife and fork, put on our bib and om nom this way:
Hot Dogs and Burgers
Atlanta Braves - Turner Field: H&F Burgers - (image via Instagram)
Consider these bad boys the most exclusive burgers on the list. As Eater Atlanta notes prior to the 2013 season, the burger joint gave away Burger Fast Passes to lucky fans who purchased special seats, giving them the ability to skip the obvious long lines.
If nothing else, you could always hit up the Waffle House.
Pittsburgh Pirates - PNC Park: Polish Hill Dog - (image via Instagram)
Serious Eats (h/t The Riverfront Times) has a delectable-looking image of this masterful monstrosity they describe as "A grilled, natural casing National Deli frank, topped with mini pierogies (!), cole slaw, and fried onion straws served on a potato roll from Breadworks."
Milwaukee Brewers - Miller Park: The Beast - (image via Twitter)
It's like someone unleashed a genie and saved a wish all for me. This hot dog (read: coronary in a bun) features a wealth of what we like to call "the good things in life."
MLB Blogs' John and Cait describe the item: "The Beast is a grilled bratwurst sliced in half and stuffed with a grilled hot dog. Those two items are then wrapped in bacon and grilled to perfection..."
They had me at "The Beast." However, the dog also features sauerkraut, grilled onions and a pretzel roll, because you can have everything in life.
Washington Nationals - Nationals Park: Half Smoke (image via Twitter)
It's as much a part of Nationals baseball as Jayson Werth's beard. Just don't get any of that stuff in your dog.
Tampa Bay Rays - Massive Burger Contest (image via Twitter)
We had to sneak this one in because it's just too ridiculous. It seems the Rays are giving away free tickets.
Well, free is a tenuous term in this case, because you are tasked with earning those tickets by eating a four-pound burger and a pound of fries, which is the equivalent of one whole Dee Gordon. (He's tiny.)
San Diego Padres - Petco Park: Carne Asada Fries - (image via Instagram)
They are a type of nacho...stay with me, folks. If you can't get out to Petco Park for their carne asada fries, I encourage you with the means to head to any Mexican restaurant or hole in the wall that might have them.
If they have nachos on the menu with carne asada as well as fries, they can make this for you. From then on, this is how you will be taking your nachos.
Toronto Blue Jays - Rogers Centre: BBQ Chicken Nachos - (See high-quality image at Baseball and BBQ)
Bleacher Report's own Dan Tylicki once considered these one of the "most insanely delicious" in all of baseball. Taking a gander at the image, we can see why.
Before we leave, we have to give a shout out to Camacho's Nachos at Dodgers Stadium, which are just this side of amazing.
Philadelphia Phillies - Citizens Bank Park: Crab Fries (image via Twitter)
Nothing like crab fries to cheer you up while you're watching the phillies lose... pic.twitter.com/myR0K8e2i8— Kellie Burke (@goin_BizzURKE) August 3, 2013
Old Bay and cheese sauce apparently take the sting away from any future Phillies injury.
Chicago Cubs - Wrigley Field: North Side Twist (image via Twitter)
Exactly what we always wanted: a lap full of pretzel.
Houston Astros - Minute Maid Park: BBQ Baked Potato (image via Twitter)
Take your mind off silly things like wins and World Series appearances with the best damn baked potato in baseball.
Chicago White Sox - U.S. Cellular Field - A Mound of Ice Cream (image via Twitter)
White Sox to sell a 12-scoop, banana split in a full-size batting helmet for $17 pic.twitter.com/8VxocsFDDe— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) March 26, 2014
As Darren Rovell reports, Sox fans can cool off this summer with a heaping dose of delicious in the form of this sundae that we hope gets shared.
L.A. Dodgers - Dodgers Stadium: Frozen Beer Foam - (video via YouTube)
Here is one of the rare items I have had the personal pleasure of trying myself. Ordering it as a mere novelty, I was astonished to find that it does in fact keep your beer frosty for a couple of innings, even on a sweltering Los Angeles summer day. Science is the best.
As for actual beverages, back in 2011, Yahoo! Sports' Rob Iracane compiled a fine list of some of the best brew offerings around baseball.
We can't find fault with much, and we rather like the Nationals' decision to offer Dogfish Head. However, we have to highlight the fine work they are doing over at Safeco Field in granting their fans a healthy supply of great beers.
Washington Beer Blog's Kendall Jones has a breakdown of everything you can drink at a Mariners game, including Pyramid Brewery offerings, which raises Seattle's amount of cool points.
Great, now we are hungry and thirsty.
Again, this is just a small aperitif of what MLB has to offer at the concession stands. Please feel free to offer thoughts on these items and others that we missed.
Sadly, I can only eat copious amounts of food at so many stadiums, so allow me to live vicariously through your gastro-journeys.
MLB season is back, which means it's time to lay out the lucky jersey right next to the pair of fat pants and head out to the ballpark.
This season is going to be delicious.
Hit me up on Twitter @gabezal.