Belichick Removed From League Of Sports Cheaters--Group Embarrrassed By Conduct

With the NFL draft underway, and last January's Superbowl a faint memory, football fans are probably beginning to look ahead to next season and how their favorite teams will fare. At the same time, unbeknownst to most of the sports world, a little known, shadowy collection of sports professionals who have accepted the premise that winning at all costs includes cheating recently removed Bill Belichick from its roster.

According to an unnamed source, he was made group secretary for allegedly taping the practices and sideline signals of rival teams.  However, when word was leaked about potentially having cheated against the Jets, he was banned from the group.

"This discredits everything we stand for. What idiot cheats against the Jets? They wound up with a 4-12 record. You could put your cheerleaders on the field and still beat the Jets. What a waste of video equipment," spokesman Gunter Parche, best-known as the man who stabbed Monica Seles in 1992 and got only a two-year suspended sentence, reportedly said.

As all sports fans know, cheating has, of late, taken center stage in the media and has even found its way to the halls of Congress. Allegations swarm around Barry Bonds like scalpers to a championship game that he took illegal substances for years prior to besting Hank Aaron's long-held home run record. Roger Clemens had to defend himself before the likes of Rep. Henry Waxman and others at a congressional hearing; only a few years earlier, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro had to do the same thing.

Such conduct isn't limited to football or baseball either. There's sprinter Marion Jones in the big house for a few more months after lying to the Grand Jury about her steroid use.  Even the quasi-sport known as golf has had its doping scandals.

As is evident in "Patriot-gate" it isn't always about drugs. Who can forget the now heart-wrenching plea "Say it ain't so, Joe" about the allegations that Shoeless Joe Jackson and other Chicago White Sox teammates threw the 1919 World Series. (They were acquitted.)

According to the LPC they take no position on the issue of drug use, videotaping and the throwing of games. Their primary issue and the reason they removed Belichick from their roster is that if you're going to go to the trouble of doing something unethical or underhanded to beat your opponent at least make it worth the trouble.

"Belichick wasn't a very good secretary anyway," another member said, speaking only on the promise of anonymity. "He didn't take very good notes and left meetings early if he was in a foul mood--which was a lot."

Rumor has it that Bonds, late of the SF Giants and currently unsigned, might be invited to take Belichick's old job. If he can lose the bad attitude.