Chris Berman's Act as Tired as MLB Home Run Derby

Gabe ZaldivarPop Culture Lead WriterJuly 9, 2012

LOS ANGELES, CA - JULY 13:  ESPN anchor Chris Berman attends The 2011 ESPY Awards at Nokia Theatre L.A. Live on July 13, 2011 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)
Kevin Winter/Getty Images

The MLB Home Run Derby returns with many of the same gimmicks it has had in previous years, including Chris Berman's gravelly voice issuing the word "back" a lot. 

Boomer is no less than the worst part of the Home Run Derby and a great reason to get filthy drunk on Monday night.  

Great sluggers will step up to the plate armed with a wooden plank while they are lobbed cupcakes. Some will amaze, smashing great, towering balls into the Kansas City sky, and others will fart all over themselves as they fail to knock most of their attempts out of the infield. 

It happens yearly, and I can't help but watch. 

I will do the most American of practices: sit on my fat ass, watch a sports spectacle and whine about it. 

In this case, I think I am rather within my bounds to do so. 

My beef isn't with the derby itself, something that needs some tweaking before it devolves into the NBA Slam Dunk Contest—what a horrible shame that would be. 

No, my biggest issue is with Boomer cradling the words "back" and "gone" like they were his fork and knife before a healthy snack of T-bone steak and creamed spinach. 

The man has had decades to come up with his special way of calling a home run. Well, he came up with it and figured he would sit on it until the words lose utter meaning. 

One day he stumbled upon, "Back, back, back, gone." That's when I imagine he reclined in his chair and thought to himself, "That's so good I might just use that saying for the next 40 years."

His home-run calls are essentially the same as Michael Jackson recording Thriller and calling it quits or the Black Eyed Peas leaning on "I Gotta Feeling" for years. Oh, right; I guess they sorta do. 

Anyway, I am already teetering on a decision of napping through the Derby or feigning just enough interest to keep both eyes open and maintain the brainpower needed to see Robinson Cano hit a home run. I don't need a rerun of the same call we see every single year. 

Better ways for Boomer to call a Derby home run? Try these: 

  • Joey Bats comes up to the plate and he beefs all over a wet noodle into the Kansas City night. (In Urkel voice) "Did he do that???"
  • Prince Fielder comes up and smashes one deep. "Scooby-Dooby-Doo!"
  • Anything—he could say anything, and it would be better. 

This exercise was to signal how the ridiculous has become far more palatable than the norm. I am sick and tired of seeing balls go over the fence with such banality. 

Give us some life. Shoot, let the players call the Home Run Derby; it doesn't warrant professionals calling the most easily understood baseball feat. 

The onus is on you, Boomer. But something tells me you will let me down by getting me drunk because every time you say "back," I take a drink. 

The fact that the nation will be playing along will have a huge role in stunting production levels at the workplace Tuesday morning. 

So if you want a real down-and-dirty reality check, Chris Berman will destroy our economy, and he must be stopped. 


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