NBA Free Agency: The Chris Paul Debacle, Secondhand Information on CP3

Chris Paul is a Laker!  Wait...no he's not.

Chris Paul is a Clipper!  Well, hang on a second...

Chris Paul is...still a Hornet?!  Alright, what the hell?

The trade rumors are churning out falsities, half-truths, scenarios and allegations.  Chris Paul, the 26-year-old future Hall of Famer, is stuck in a bad situation. 

He's on a team he doesn't want to play for—one that was sold for less than LeBron's bankroll (*Author's note: $300 million.  For an NBA franchise?  Pac-Man Jones has made that much rain in a strip club before.  Fellow New Orleanian Drew Brees has made that much in terrible endorsement deals in the last two years.)—in a town that cares way more about showing boobs for beads than watching a once-in-a-lifetime point guard try to carry his team to greatness.

Who can blame Paul for wanting out of that?  The league bought the Hornets, splitting the team 29 ways, with each owner buying an equal share.  In what diluted, Utopian world did commissioner David Stern think this would work? 

Imagine if the dude on Sister Wives kept marrying ugly women until they hit the 29-wife mark. 

And let's say that the guy from Sister Wives had a mother that moved in with them.  She was old, decrepit, couldn't take care of herself and was a real codger.  We're talking Throw Mama From the Train bad. 

Then, imagine he kicked the bucket and left each woman an equal share of his wealth, but also required each wife to take an equal share in caring for this angry, belligerent, run-down, old bag. 

Would those wives work together to help out some angry, senile, old woman who was dropped in their laps?  Or would they scheme, connive, try to constantly pull one over on each other and shirk their duties in an effort to find the path of least resistance? 

That's the Hornets.

This is the Hornets.

What would you do if you were an owner?  Would you really look after this?  Or, would you try to toss the old bag of bones from the train?

The Hornets would have benefited from the Lakers' proposed trade.  Virtually everyone except David Stern and the whiniest owners in recent memory, led by LeBron's former mistress Dan Gilbert, agree on this. 

The Hornets would've gotten a king's ransom for the prince of PGs.  Stern stepped in when he should've stepped back and blocked a trade he should've had no part in blocking. (*Author's note: When the Hornets were purchased by the league, Stern had promised full autonomy for the team's general manager.)

Generally, Stern made the metaphorical 29 Sister Wives scenario sound favorable to the complete jumbled up mess that has become the Chris Paul saga.

Here's a brief breakdown of two trade scenarios that have fallen through in the past two days:

1.  Chris Paul to the Lakers for Lamar Jenner-Kardashian Odom, Luis Scola, Kevin Martin, Goran Dragic and a No. 1 draft pick

David Stern rejected this?  What a Paul-hog.  This would've netted the Hornets an influx in talent at four positions and gotten them what could be a relatively decent draft pick nonetheless. 

Odom is a multi-talented 7-footer, Martin is one of the better pure scorers in the NBA, Luis Scola is another highly talented big man, and Goran Dragic has shown flashes of brilliance, if not consistence.

2.  Chris Paul to the Clippers for Chris Kaman, Al-Farouq Aminu, Eric Bledsoe and either Minnesota's unprotected 2012 first-round draft pick or Eric Gordon

This deal, which fell through after the NBA (i.e. David Stern and his gaggle of morons) kept pushing for more pieces, was a prime example of over-reaching. 

Anyone could look at this trade, chock full of up-and-comers, a future all-star in Gordon and what could be an insanely high draft choice, and realize that it was asking for too much.

It's become clear David Stern is blocking Chris Paul.  And I don't mean blocking in the traditional sense.  I'm talking about blocking something else.  That rhymes with dock. 

Let me lay out one more imaginary scenario for you.  Chris Paul is that really attractive girl who went out with a group of her homegirls. 

She's been slurping down margaritas like a spring-breaker in Cancun and has been chatting up the dudes in the bar all night.  The pervs are flocking, hovering around like polo-wearing vultures. 

She's totally ready to go with the smoothest-talking one.  He swoops in and has her batting her eyelashes like she's got pinkeye, giggling and standing up to leave. 

Right as he grabs his keys and puts his arm around her shoulder, her ugliest, dumpiest, most-bitter friend steps in and says, "Wait a minute...you just got out of a relationship, it's girls night out, and I need a ride home.  Are you sure you want to do that? Blah blah blah.  Don't be a slut." 

The girl stops, looks at her friend and breaks into tears.  The dude leaves empty-handed.

That's David Stern.  He's the bitter, dumpy-looking friend.

Here are a few more trade scenarios that you can just about guarantee are sitting on David Stern's desk as potential deals for Chris Paul:

1.  Chris Paul to the Lakers for George Clooney, Pau Gasol, Pau Gasol's Euro-beard, the Hollywood sign, Andrew Bynum, Jack Nicholson, Jack Nicholson's borderline-underage girlfriend and Ari Gold (Who cares if he's real or not?)

2.  Chris Paul to the Knicks for Amar'e Stoudemire, Spike Lee, the Statue of Liberty, Carmelo Anthony's wife LaLa, 10,000 slices of cheese pizza, the Knicks' first-round draft picks for the next 11 years and the naming rights to the Empire State Building. (*Author's note: Welcome to the NewOrleansBoardofTourism.com Tower!)

3.  Chris Paul to the New Jersey Nets for the entire cast of Jersey Shore, Deron Williams, Jay-Z's unborn child, Bojan Bogdanovich (*Author's note: His jersey would be a big seller in New Orleans.) and a promise that Kris Ex-Jenner-Kardashian Humphries won't sign a contract with the Hornets.

4.  Chris Paul to the Houston Rockets for Chase Budinger, Kyle Lowry, Case Keenum, cash considerations and Luis Scola's barber.

5.  Chris Paul to the Orlando Magic for Dwight Howard, Jameer Nelson, Mickey Mouse and a written contract by Orlando to accept all of the forthcoming hurricanes headed New Orleans' way.

And in the most gigantic, enormous, blockbuster trade of the millennium:

6.  Chris Paul, Harry Connick Jr., Master P, Lil' Wayne and a metric ton of crayfish to the Sacramento Kings for Jimmer Fredette and pigs in a blanket.  Lots of pigs in a blanket. (*Author's note: Supposedly David Stern is obsessed with the pigs in a blanket snack/food.  In Bill Simmons' outstanding book, The Book of Basketball, he relays a moment when David Stern cussed out one of the servers for not having his favorite food.  This struck me as hilarious and undoubtedly has got some of the GMs trying to figure out which catering company has the best pigs in a B.)