Free-Agency Sales Pitches for Every NBA Team
Billboards are not a standard NBA free-agency resource, but they aren't unprecedented.
The Los Angeles Lakers used them to court Dwight Howard in 2013. The Houston Rockets did something similar for Carmelo Anthony in 2014.
While both parties failed to land their guy, billboards are an eye-catching sales pitch.
So, yeah, we must now obviously come up with similar free-agency schemes for every team this summer, irrespective of whether they have cap space. We will use a template from here and act as if every franchise is purchasing a billboard to sell itself.
Our mission is not a serious one, so check all reservations and intellectual wedgies at the door.
Atlanta Hawks
The Atlanta Hawks have clinched a playoff berth in each of the last nine seasons. Only once during that time, though, have they marched past the second round.
Playing for them gives you the cachet of a postseason contributor without cutting into your offseason getaway plans.
Boston Celtics
If the Boston Celtics get super creative—as in, cut bait with Jonas Jerebko (non-guaranteed), Amir Johnson (non-guaranteed), Jared Sullinger (restricted free agent), Tyler Zeller (restricted) et al.—they have an opportunity to manufacture two max-contract slots.
Even after working such salary-cap voodoo, they would have enough picks, prospects and impact players to cobble together a competitive trade package for any available/disgruntled superstar.
Now that's a legit free-agency sales pitch.
Brooklyn Nets
Cruel? Maybe. But accurate.
New general manager Sean Marks might be able to sell prospective free agents on his San Antonio Spurs background, but he can't change the fact the Brooklyn Nets don't control the rights to their first-rounder until 2019 or house a ton of young talent around whom they can build.
Rondae Hollis-Jefferson and Brook Lopez won't be enough to seduce big names, so the Nets might as well try politely, if desperately, asking preferred targets to overlook their inherently stunted state.
Charlotte Hornets
The downside of the Charlotte Hornets reinventing their offense and finishing inside the top 10 of points scored per 100 possessions? Some of their free agents will inevitably price themselves out of Buzz City.
The upside? Charlotte should officially be on the free-agency map after emerging as one of the league's more balanced teams.
Chicago Bulls
Jimmy Butler and maybe Bobby Portis are the Chicago Bulls' only guaranteed building blocks.
Doug McDermott and Nikola Mirotic are fringe bricks at best, Derrick Rose is in New York and Joakim Noah, an unrestricted free agent, has been supplanted by Robin Lopez.
If the Bulls can make one free-agency splash, they'll be back in the playoffs next season. If they somehow make two, despite their limited financial flexibility, they'll be back in the upper echelon of the Eastern Conference.
Hooray for silver linings?
Cleveland Cavaliers
Assuming the Cleveland Cavaliers keep LeBron James around, they won't have any cap space to burn. But they don't need real money to spend if he's in the fold.
With him as the main attraction, headlining a reigning champion, Cleveland becomes Pay Cut Central.
Dallas Mavericks
Cap space has been the Dallas Mavericks' primary building block since they won a title in 2011—a blueprint that's culminated in four first-round exits, one lottery appearance and an overpaid Wesley Matthews and Chandler Parsons.
Here's hoping the Mavericks are able to put Dirk Nowitzki's hometown discount to better use this summer.
Denver Nuggets
Here's the list of NBA rookies who have averaged at least 15.0 points, 10.0 rebounds, 3.5 assists, 1.5 steals and 1.0 block per 36 minutes:
- Nikola Jokic
That's it. And Jokic only turned 21 in February. The future is bright in Denver.
Detroit Pistons
Props to Detroit Pistons coach and president Stan Van Gundy. He has his team in position to re-sign Andre Drummond (restricted) and chase a max-level free agent—all without sacrificing Tobias Harris, Reggie Jackson or Kentavious Caldwell-Pope.
Detroit is thus a sneaky-good offseason destination.
Golden State Warriors
Stephen Curry is a two-time MVP and all-time great. The Golden State Warriors, who have the ability to carve out some cap space, sell themselves.
Houston Rockets
Dwight Howard is a goner. But James Harden will only be 27 when next season tips off, and the Rockets finished as the Western Conference's second-best team roughly one year ago, mostly without Howard.
Throw in an ample amount of spending power, and Houston, despite its disastrous 2015-16, still has curb appeal.
Indiana Pacers
Now that Frank Vogel is out as head coach of the Indiana Pacers, you can almost guarantee Myles Turner will play the 5 and chuck three-pointers next season, with Paul George lining up beside him at the 3 or 4.
That's an intriguing frontcourt foundation, one the Pacers should be able to sell not just this summer but for years to come.
Los Angeles Clippers
Blake Griffin, DeAndre Jordan, Chris Paul and J.J. Redick make for a dominant quartet. And that's good, because they'll combine to earn more than $71.5 million next season.
For the Los Angeles Clippers to make any course-altering additions over the offseason, they'll need to hope some higher-profile names are ready to accept pay cuts in the name of contending for Larry O'Brien Trophies.
Los Angeles Lakers
ESPN's Stephen A. Smith says the Lakers will steal All-Star DeMar DeRozan (player option) from the Toronto Raptors in free agency. If that's true, one of their two max-contract spots is already off the table.
But that's OK. They can still pitch another star on the prospect of playing with DeRozan, D'Angelo Russell, possibly Jordan Clarkson (restricted) and Brandon Ingram.
Once you move past the whole "They're actually paying DeRozan max money" thing, that's not a bad spot to be.
Memphis Grizzlies
To be honest, this may not be a real sales pitch. The NBA is threatening to leave the Grit 'n' Grind era behind, and that should be cause for the Memphis Grizzlies to break up their band.
However, this Memphis team, as Kevin Arnovitz wrote for ESPN.com, stands for more than a particular, borderline archaic playing style:
"With their lockdown defense anchored by [Tony] Allen and Marc Gasol, their deliberate, double-post, half-court attack and their tireless lunch-pail ethic, Grit 'n' Grind accomplishes something the league hasn't really seen since "Showtime" in Los Angeles -- an identity that authentically captures not just the market, but the on-court product.
"
The Grizzlies will try to re-sign Mike Conley this summer, like they did with Allen, Gasol and Zach Randolph before him. And they will make no apologies.
Miami Heat
Team president Pat Riley is NBA royalty, and free agency is his throne. His decked-out fingers are impossible to ignore, which bodes well for the Miami Heat.
Rest assured, if there's a way to reel in another big fish without losing more than one of Luol Deng (probable), Hassan Whiteside (possible) and Dwyane Wade (LOL) to other teams, Riley will find it.
Milwaukee Bucks
Giannis Antetokounmpo is now basically a 7-foot point guard who is a consistent jump shot away from successfully staging a complete world takeover. The Milwaukee Bucks should have no trouble convincing free agents that he will soon anchor a contender.
Minnesota Timberwolves
Let's get this straight: Karl-Anthony Towns earned unanimous Rookie of the Year honors, now plays for sideline sage Tom Thibodeau and calls himself a friend of the baby tiger population?
"Where do I sign?" said any free agent with a pulse.
New Orleans Pelicans
Somehow, 30-win seasons mired in injuries, underachieving, a badly built roster and a gross misuse of financial resources (Omer Asik) don't seem so hopeless when you have a 23-year-old superhuman under lock and key.
Anthony Davis alone can make the New Orleans Pelicans a relevant free-agency player.
New York Knicks
"He can shoot, he can make the right plays, he can defend, he's a 7-footer that can shoot all the way out to the three-point line," Kevin Durant said of Kristaps Porzingis back in January, per ESPN.com's Royce Young. "That's rare. And block shots—that's like a unicorn in this league."
What kind of soulless being wouldn't want to play alongside a real, live unicorn who isn't yet old enough to order his own cotton candy cosmopolitans? I mean, Porzingis almost makes the Derrick Rose trade seem OK. That's curb appeal.
Oklahoma City Thunder
So much for the Western Conference being a two-team race.
By sticking it to the historically good Spurs in the second round, the Oklahoma City Thunder took a stick of dynamite to the notion they weren't genuine competition for the Warriors.
Even if they don't make the NBA Finals, they'll have plenty of ammunition when they go to sign Durant—and anyone else, for that matter.
Orlando Magic
The Orlando Magic are clearly interested in making some noise this summer. They wouldn't have flipped Tobias Harris for what amounts to cap space if they planned on remaining idle.
Cash to burn, a close proximity to Disney World, the arrival of Serge Ibaka and the rapid progression of Aaron Gordon should get them in the door with anyone not named Durant.
Philadelphia 76ers
After selecting Ben Simmons with the No. 1 overall pick, the Philadelphia 76ers can now deploy an imbalanced lineup to end all conventional wisdom. As NJ.com's Joe Giglio astutely observed just after the draft lottery:
In all seriousness, there is such a thing as too many bigs. Go figure. The Sixers' new process, whatever it is, needs to consist of adding smaller players who don't clog the paint.
Phoenix Suns
As a free agent, when you look at the $26.6 million committed to Eric Bledsoe and Brandon Knight next year, Tyson Chandler's contract and last season's 23 wins, you don't feel good about the Phoenix Suns' future.
Then you realize they snagged Dragan Bender and Marquese Chriss in this year's draft. And then you realize Devin Booker doesn't turn 20 until October.
Suddenly, the future doesn't seem so bleak.
Portland Trail Blazers
LaMarcus Aldridge abandoned the Portland Trail Blazers' ship last summer to join the Spurs. In the end, he came just one win closer than his former team—which lost three of its other four starters—to making the Western Conference Finals.
That's Portland's sales pitch. It's simple, effective and wholly ridiculous—in a good way.
Sacramento Kings
New logo, new team?
The Sacramento Kings, who haven't cleared 35 victories since 2007-08, sure hope so.
San Antonio Spurs
There are five future Hall of Famers on the Spurs roster—six if you include Boban Marjanovic. All of them should be on the roster next season, even the aging Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobili.
This core, after all, deserves one more chance to run it back. Maintaining the status quo gives the Spurs enough firepower to terrify the rest of the free-agency landscape, just as they did last summer when they poached Aldridge.
Toronto Raptors
DeRozan could leave, and that's fine. The Toronto Raptors have enough to thrive without him.
Cory Joseph, Terrence Ross and Jonas Valanciunas are on bargain-bin deals; Kyle Lowry is one of the game's best (regular-season) point guards; Norman Powell looks like he'll be something special; and general manager Masai Ujiri is absolutely lethal when he has cap space. (See: the signing of DeMarre Carroll.)
Utah Jazz
When Derrick Favors, Rudy Gobert, Gordon Hayward and Rodney Hood shared the floor last season, the Utah Jazz outscored opponents by five points per 100 possessions. That net rating would have ranked sixth overall, just behind the Clippers. Now they'll add a healthy Dante Exum and George Hill to that party.
Imagine what the Jazz, who haven't secured a playoff bid since 2012, could do if they make a dent in free agency.
Washington Wizards
The Washington Wizards didn't delay Bradley Beal's extension, stand mostly pat over the last two years and miss the playoffs this season for nothing.
They are prepared to spend this summer, even if it's not on Durant. (It won't be.)
Expect the Wizards to be in the mix for any and all of the top wings as they feverishly search for upgrades to help put 2015-16 behind them.
Stats courtesy of Basketball-Reference.com and NBA.com unless otherwise cited. Salary information via Basketball Insiders.
Dan Favale covers the NBA for Bleacher Report. Follow him on Twitter @danfavale.
