I hate to say it because I'm a never-say-die kind of fella, but it has to be said.
Some of you aren't making the playoffs.
Not believing me? I get it; I know the stages of grief. You might be in denial.
It shouldn't matter in some respects. You have to play the season out even if it doesn't matter anymore and you have to act like the game still counts. It's for the integrity of your league.
Plus, maybe winning sends some sucker home. Misery loves company.
Still, you might as well save yourself some stress by knowing ahead of this Sunday if you'll have a little extra time on your hands next weekend.
So in order to help you determine if your fantasy season is done and properly cooked, here are the five signs it's officially over.
1) Your lineup has more holes than a Martz offensive blocking scheme
On the extreme end—although this season maybe not as uncommon as in previous ones—your starting lineup consisted of Matt Schaub, Adrian Peterson, Fred Jackson and DeSean Jackson. Any one of those guys on a team right now could kill you.
I'm willing to bet there are people reading this now who have at least a pair of them on a squad.
You can't overcome that easily and injuries like Peterson's, which come so late in the season, make it hard to fix. On the other end you have DeSean Jackson, whose current penchant for dogging routes is murdering your production as badly as it is the Eagles.
If you're one of the guys with multiple important starters either hurt or under-performing, your season is done.
This first point often leads to this one.....
2) You're debating—like Houston—between TJ Yates and Jake Delhomme
Injuries happen and the last few weeks have seen a ton of quarterbacks go down, including some key backups. And then THEIR backups.
I've seen many a season derailed by a quarterback injury and this season looks to have a ton of the same.
If you are fighting for a playoff spot, just lost your quarterback and are scouring the waiver wire for such worthies as Tarvaris Jackson, Christian Ponder, TJ Yates and Blaine Gabbert, your season is probably done.
3) You have lost to the top point-getter in your league the last three weeks
Sometimes you score well, sometimes you don't, but if you are on a tear where every week another team beats you with the highest score in your league? I hate to break it to you, but the Fantasy Gods hate you.
It's true. Maybe you didn't offer proper sacrifice to them during the draft. Maybe you mocked them by flaunting a big trade? Maybe they have money on a competitor.
Whatever the reason, the trend is clear and you will not have a chance at winning.
It's over folks; your season is probably done.
4) You have to use the Grushko Theorem to figure out if you can make the playoffs
If you're looking at the league website and the standings and it takes you more than ten minutes to figure out if you've got a shot to make the playoffs, you aren't making the playoffs.
The more "what if" situations you have to create to make it remotely feasible that you maybe, possibly—at some point if the cards all fall right—have a shot at making the playoffs, the less likely it is you will actually make the playoffs.
If you find yourself doing anything more than fifth grade math when calculating your playoff chances, your season is probably done.
5) You need to beat Tim Tebow to win the last playoff spot
I don't mean to say the guy you are playing has Tebow as his starter. That you could overcome.
I mean Tebow is in your league, you're facing his team "The Tebowmaniacs" and the winner makes the playoffs.
I don't know if you've noticed, but all Tebow does is win games. His teams play hard for him and go all out. That certainly extends to his fantasy team.
His biggest mistake was believing in Kyle Orton too long this season. Now that he's inserted Cam Newton—have you seen that guy run?—at quarterback and has convinced Broncos coach John Fox to run Willis McGahee 450 times a game in order to make up for losing Fred Jackson as his RB1, there's no stopping him.
You think he's not beating your fantasy football squad?
Start your studs but face facts: your season is over.
On the bright side, Tebow's bound to spring for some hot wings at the next draft.
Andrew Garda is a staff writer for Footballguys.com where he writes a weekly article breaking down the Thursday night games called Thursday Night Lights and helps you prepare and overcome injuries in his Fantasy Triage column. He's usually much less silly than this.
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