Welcome back to everyone’s favorite seldom-read weekly column. Hopefully you can utilize the lessons learned here into your daily lives. I mean, you should be doing that anyway, without me even saying anything.
Where Is Phil Simms?
There he is! He’s blabbering about how great Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler—and subsequently himself—are in the Chargers-Bears game at 4:15. Last time Simms was within the talking vicinity of Cutler, he called the reaction the “injury” Cutler suffered during last year’s NFC Championship game "disturbing and wrong," the same words that have been used to describe the Penn State scandal.
What Should I Be Eating?
Ever have those Doritos: Collisions before? They are probably the best chip of all-time, combining two magical flavors into one miracle of humanity. My friend Kevin is allergic to them, but that hasn’t stopped me from continuously bringing them over to his house when he asks for guests to bring snacks.
Come On, Gus Johnson Is Being Used Right?
Sigh. He’s not. He’s doing FX’s Game of the Week (note: FX’s Game of the Week has no relation to the actual game of the week), Kansas State-Texas. You shall persevere, Gus. I know you will. As for now, a #freegusjohnson hashtag should be inserted into at least one tweet by every Twitter user this weekend.
If I Have to Miss the 1 PM or the 4 PM Slate, Which Should It Be?
Probably the 1 PM slate, as it has the highest potential for blowouts. Unless you want to watch the Packers maniacally decimate the Buccaneers, in which case you are probably a sadist.
Where Is Dan Dierdorf?
He’ll be attending the Bengals-Ravens game at 1 PM. This is the second week in a row he’s doing a Ravens game, which means possible overload of nostalgia and bygone eras in Dierdorf’s fleeting memory. He could actually break down during this game.
Which Twitter Feeds Should I Be Following?
An RIP NBA follow for Bethlehem Shoals.
When Are the Optimal Bathroom Break Times?
Sorry, none this week.
Is There Anything Better On? I Don’t Even Like Football.
Well, The Fast and the Furious is on Telemundo at 2 PM, and I can only imagine that to be an attack on all five senses. And Vin Diesel in Spanish is probably better than Vin Diesel in “English,” so there’s that.
Is the Monday Night Game Horrible?
It’s the Chiefs-Patriots, and I’m not exactly sure who that's for. How did the schedule get so construed that we end up with this matchup? I sometime forget they play in the same conference.
Where Is Joe Buck?
He’ll be falling asleep during the Buccaneers-Packers massacre. Look for Buck to stop caring at the seven-minute mark in the second quarter when the Packers are winning by 24 points.
Which Game is the Game of the Week?
You mean other than the one Gus Johnson is doing for FX? The Panthers-Lions game seems particularly enticing, as maybe no one will play defense and this game will end up 51-45. Cam Newton and Matt Stafford are at the helm of the NFL’s two most exciting offenses not from Green Bay, and this game could be an explosion of fireworks and other explosive things.