25 Stupidest Baseball Player (and Manager and Writer) Tweets
On the tweet stupidity scale, baseball players lag behind their peers in other sports.
Catching the NFL and NBA won't be easy, the Darnell Docketts, Antonio Cromarties and Charlie Villanuevas of the world have staked those leagues to a sizable stupidity surplus.
But that doesn't mean our nation's batsmen, hurlers, ex-batsmen and managers aren't trying. A proud few refuse to lie down and let a bunch of newfangled, pansy sports out-dumb our national pastime.
Here's to the dum-dums who've taken that brave first step into the Twitterverse. Abandoning grammar, punctuation and good judgment, they've dared to bring the grass-chewing, tobacco-spitting legacy of baseball stupor into the 21st century.
There's no going back now.
Heath Bell Eats His Words, Like a Tiger Shark
Translation: [Awkward silence] transitions to [Crickets] transitions to [Profuse sweating]
Why it's dumb: If you reference Charlie Sheen, the Internet will shame you. Let that be a lesson to all.
Danny Valencia Is a Simple Man
Translation: The dude likes to laugh
Why It’s Dumb: Does Danny Valencia hate to cry? Does Danny Valencia think bad things are bad? How about good things, are they good? And that lemon over there, is it sour?
The answers to all these and more on next week’s episode of: Danny Valencia Owns a Smart Phone
John Lannan Loves Alliterative Restaurant Chains
Translation: SHAKE SHACK!!!!!
Why It's Dumb: SHAKE SHACK!!!!!
JP Arencibia, Life Coach
Translation: I get my life advice from fortune cookies.
Why It’s Dumb: So you’re saying I can’t get the five seconds I just wasted reading that tweet back? Damn.
Nothing personal against JP Arencibia; consider this more a proxy for every athlete tweet that non-ironically espouses wisdom. Stop it, people. Just stop it.
Ozzie Guillen, Family Man
Translation: Ozzie Guillen's godchildren are large, kind.
Why It's Dumb: I'm not going to skewer Ozzie for the grammatical miscue. English isn't his first language and Twitter doesn't demand proper declension.
I'm more upset at the content. The greatest soundbite in baseball history stopped in to tell us he has a larger-than-average god family.
What's more, this is the general tenor of Ozzie's account. Just a bunch of non sequiturs that lack anything near the flair he brings to a post-game presser.
Ozzie Guillen Loves? Hates? Eats? Iguanas
Why It's Dumb: About that last slide...yeah...I lied.
Matt Holliday Can Take You Higher
Jamie Squire/Getty Images
mattholliday7 Big fan of the new creed album, helps me get through long bike workout
Translation: In my world, the past decade never happened. Staind = awesome.
Why It's Dumb: Apparently, Creed has a new album. No one else knew or cared besides Matt Holliday, and that was evident in the response to this tweet.
Followers lampooned Holliday for his lampoonable taste in music, which led to a Twitter stand off, which led to Holliday saying he wouldn't tweet about music again.
Exactly a week later, Holliday stopped tweeting for good. I give the man credit for walking away. I don't think Twitter and he were ever going to make it work.
Torii Hunter, This the Most Un-Manly Thing You've Done All Day
Translation: I have a terrible sense of humor.
Why It's Dumb: Because almost every light beer commercial stinks. If I could eliminate one thing from an NFL broadcast, I think it would light beer commercials. Seriously. Am I alone in this?
Tommy Lasorda Hearts Corporate America
Translation: Isn’t that crazy, how I just randomly thought about my love for Skechers? Haha. Awesome.
Why It's Dumb: So that’s what a Lasorda family reunion looks like, a bunch of miserable people walking around in Skechers so Grandpa Tommy can squeeze a few extra bucks out of fame.
Look, athletes have earned the right to endorse whatever products they want. All I ask is that they keep the shilling to a bearable minimum. Slip in a subliminal message or host some sort of product give away.
A pitch like this is an insult to my intelligence, especially when the product is a pair of Skechers.
Get with it, Lasorda.
Casper Wells Has Fine Taste
Jason Miller/Getty Images
UpstateBaller There should be as many Whole Foods around as there is Walmart's. #ifyoubuildittheywillcome
Translation: Everyone has a baseball player’s salary, right?
Why It’s Dumb: There should be as many Aston Martins as there are Toyota Tercels. There should be as many Lord and Taylors as there are Kohls.
Everyone should own a home theater system with a built-in robot-usher that brings you gold-encrusted popcorn. WHY DON”T YOU PEOPLE WANT THESE THINGS?!?!?!?
Who Let Jose Canseco on the Internet? Part I
Translation: I am an open book, an open book without an editor.
Why It's Dumb: Even in a medium that invites, even promotes, personal confessions, this is a bit too much. Jose Canseco's love life is best kept between him and whoever he just divorced.
Who Let Jose Canseco on the Internet? Part II
Translation: An author and human being, I am no better than the thing exiting my butt.
Why It's Dumb: Well it's Jose Canseco for starters. Beyond that, the stupidity speaks for itself.
Who Let Jose Canseco on the Internet? Part III
Why It's Dumb: Okay, seriously—who gave Jose Canseco Internet access? It ends now.
This Just In: Darren Oliver Is Old
Jim McIsaac/Getty Images
southpawDO28 if you're looking for solid financial advice, check out my site darrenoliver28.com, click on the Ameriprise logo, & fill out the info form!!
Translation: And while you’re there be sure to click on my PowerPoint tribute to warm milk!!
Why It's Dumb: People over 40, hear me out. You’ve made it this far in life, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone anymore. You’re a man/woman. Congrats.
Don’t ruin it by trying to co-opt younger trends or learn new technologies. You will invariably fail. Trust me.
I Think David Price Wants a Trade
Translation: HELP! I'M STUCK IN BASEBALL HELL! SOMEONE BLOW THE LID OFF THIS ASTROTURF PRISON AND BREAK ME OUT OF HERE.
Why It's Dumb: In 2010, when the Rays were closing in on a second Divisional crown in three years, people in the Tampa area made it clear that they didn't give a crap. Evan Longoria snarled to local reporters about low turnout at home games and David Price took to Twitter with a similar message.
I'm struggling to qualify Price's tweet as "dumb" since it's so obviously true, but the fact that his tweet set off a small-scale controversy tells me he should have delivered that message in some other way.
Price apologized to the fans and, after a new cycle in the limelight, people forgave him and subsequently forgot there was a baseball team in the Tampa area.
If you think that was the end of it, though, think again. After the Rays miracle comeback this season transitioned to a quick playoff exit, owner Stuart Sternberg lamented the fact that on-field success hadn't created an equivalent uptick in revenue.
The message had a different format and a different messenger, but Sternberg's point was really the same one Price made a year earlier: "Tampa sucks."
Jimmy Rollins Can't Hear You
Translation: I liked it better when you guys booed.
Why It's Dumb: Let me preface this by saying Jimmy Rollins is one of my top three favorite baseball players and top ten favorite athletes ever. Even given that, I cannot overlook the stupidity of this tweet.
Rollins' comment about fan noise came after the Phillies lost Game 2 of this year's NLDS to the Cardinals 5-4. The Phillies led 4-0 early and slowly, excruciatingly let the lead slip.
It was pretty much the most painful way to lose a home playoff game. It was depressing as all hell to watch on TV, so I can only imagine how morbid it felt in person.
Rollins took to Twitter after the game to criticize the fans' noise level. Not smart, especially when those same fans have helped the franchise to about a bajillion consecutive sellouts.
On the scale of things a Philadelphia crowd might do, "be a little bit too quiet" would be one of your better options. If anything, Rollins should be thankful.
Oney Guillen Does Not Care for Bobby Jenks
Translation: I love you, daddy!
Why It's Dumb: Telling the world that someone has a drinking problem after they disagree with your father's managing style is mean. Doing it repeatedly and in the most public way possible is damn near sadistic.
After Ozzie Guillen left the the White Sox this year, former Chicago closer Bobby Jenks critiqued Ozzie's use of his bullpen. Oney Guillen, Ozzie's erstwhile son, responded with a barrage of tweets intended to humiliate the man that dared question Ozzie's tactical brilliance.
In addition to Jenks' baseball deficiencies, Oney made sure to mention his weight, crumbling marriage and struggles with alcohol addiction. Classy!
Apparently infantile rage runs on the "Y" chromosome.
LoMo Gets DeMo(ted)
Marc Serota/Getty Images
Tweet: Is this David Samson? Yes or no? Vote now
Translation: My boss sucks.
Why it was Dumb: First the deep background. Marlins outfielder Logan Morrison has the best twitter account in baseball. It's so ticklishly funny that he's managed to transcend the fact he plays for the Marlins and actually gain some followers.
Consider: Morrison and his twitter account earned a full 400 words in Esquire. I haven't checked with stats and research, but I'm sure that makes him the only person affiliated with the Marlins to ever attain something resembling "crossover."
His bosses seem to dislike the fact that he's drawing tons of positive attention (with a tiny side dish of negativity) to their struggling franchise.
Now to the tweet. David Samson is the president of the Marlins. The tweet (which I can no longer find on the Internet) links to a picture of a nerdy looking dude.
Apparently David Samson doesn't find this funny. Six days later the Marlins sent Morrison, who at the time had the team's third-highest OPS, back to the Minor Leagues.
I can't say I disagree with Morrison. Marlins ownership is notoriously dickish and their inability to appreciate his tweeting celebrity only further proves that.
When your tweet earns you a bus trip to AAA New Orleans, though, I have to go ahead and slap a "dumb" label on it.
You Can Find Brian Wilson in Da Club
Translation: It sure seems like I'm out at a bar the night before a game.
Why It's Dumb: Anything that deprives us of an all-time great Twitter account is dumb, even if the legendary twitterer himself is to blame.
The above sequence shows Brian Wilson insinuating he is out on the town in Phoenix the night before a game. The next day Wilson blew a three-run lead and the game.
Writers speculated that Wilson's late-night escapades contributed to the blown save. Wilson responded by temporarily removing his account.
Wilson then told the media he doesn't drink during the season and that the tweets were only in jest. It seems the canceled feed was simply a way to punish us for our consumption of journalistic hearsay.
Whatever we did, we apologize, Mr. Wilson. Thank you for bringing your hilarity back to Twitter. We won't question you ever again.
Peter Gammons Pisses off Bo Pelini, Absolutely No One Shocked
Translation: When given a choice between playing for the Royals and a first-rate lunatic, one might actually choose the Royals.
Why It's Dumb: Riling Nebraska football coach Bo Pelini isn't difficult, but it's probably bad for your health.
The controversy starts with sought-after baseball/football star Bubba Starling. Starling accepted an offer to play quarterback at the University of Nebraska but was also drafted by the Kansas City Royals with the draft's fifth overall pick.
With a decision still to make, Pelini left Starling's name off the roster until the recruit declared his intentions. Peter Gammons interpreted this as a tacit threat and tweeted as much to the world.
Pelini got pissed and responded to Gammons with a prepared media statement quivering in repressed anger.
Starling eventually chose the Royals because Pelini is a nut job and baseball doesn't lead to a lifetime of concussions. Or at least that's what I assume.
Either way, it's a victory for baseball. Hooray!
Mike "Bag Snatcher" Stanton
Translation: I'm hungry.
Why It's Dumb: The thought of Mike Stanton dressed as a baby gives me the creeps. I mean really think about that, with a little drool creeping from the corner of his mouth. The term "baby mutant" keeps running through my head and it won't stop.
Denard Span Explains Gender
Translation: Boys and girls are different! LOL!
Why It's Dumb: It's not overwhelmingly dumb, just dumb in an innocent, third-grade, "girls have cooties" sort of way.
There are trenchant ways of observing the difference between woman and man. Then there's the silly notion that cultured dairy and stretching are somehow better suited for a certain gender.
If pinkberry yogurt was called "man ice" and was yoga known as "Mountain Dew Code Red MAN TWIST!!!!" I don't think Denard would feel so feminine. Just a guess.
Torii Hunter S.O.S.
Translation: Seriously, I'm stuck.
Why It's Dumb: The dumbness comes not with the tweet itself, but the actions that led to the tweet. Remember kids, always follow these three simple rules when using an oxygen chamber.
First rule of oxygen chambers: When entering an oxygen chamber, it's good to make sure someone's around to let you out.
Second rule of oxygen chambers: There are no rules for oxygen chambers!
Third rule of oxygen chambers: No, seriously, you should always follow the first rule of oxygen chambers.
Who Let Jose Canseco on the Internet? Part IV
Translation: My ego knows no bounds.
Why It's Dumb: Actually, this one's kind of funny. In some alternate universe, I can see Jose Canseco and Babe Ruth getting along, maybe bonding over their undiagnosed substance abuse problems or their persistent mistreatment of women.
Now this isn't an alternate universe anyone else would want to inhabit. Just the two of them, and a mountain of horse tranquilizers.
And Finally, One More Thought from Danny Valencia
Translation: When browsing my Sunday supplement, I commonly confuse the comics with TV Guide.
Why It's Dumb: We did it! We've officially rendered "LOL" the most meaningless phrase in all the English language.
Not only does "LOL" no longer mean you've actually laughed out loud, "LOL" doesn't even indicate slight bemusement. "LOL" could follow anything and still make perfect sense, as in "Car batteries LOL" or "Red plush interior LOL" or "Mongolian steppes LOL."
LOL means exactly as much as any other three-letter combination. Might as well say "HGF" or "TYU."
We have Danny Valencia to thank for this, for proving conclusively that "LOL" can follow even the most mundane thought. Danny Valencia, decent third baseman/linguistic innovator. A fine resume, indeed.