This week's "Random Awards" column is brought to you by snark and Frank Ocean.
The Dan Fouts Award: As usual, the illustrious "Dan Fouts Award" is given to the player who embodied the perennial loser/brilliantly talented player, the greatest. Although Oakland's Jason Campbell (23-33, 323, 2 TD) put up a half-hearted fight, the clear winner this week is Cam Newton.
Newton put up a staggering stat line of 28-46, 432, TD, 3 INT against the aperture that is suddenly that Green Bay Packer pass defense. Newton, as you may have heard an umpteen number of times, is the first rookie in history to have back-to-back 400 yard passing games, the sixth player to have back-to-back 400 yard passing games and the 1,000,029 player to lose back-to-back games. The last part of that is not to take away anything from Newton. He is solely responsible for the Panthers not being put up for contraction, and the glimmers of hope he protrudes from every pass give an extra life to Carolina fans.
Comeback Player of the Week: Donavan McNabb wins this despite the fact that he was unable to put together any sort of propelling drive in the second half of his game against the the Buccaneers. McNabb was 18-30, 228 this week, but after his 7-15, 39-yard disaster last week, anything is an improvement. The fact that he quintupled his passing output from the last week is enough to win him this award. But it still doesn't change the fact that millions of Minnesota fans are immersed in raw anger after a dormant second half.
The We've Already Given Up On Our Coach Award: The Kansas City Chiefs are entering Stage Five of their "Fire Scott Haley" program, as after two weeks, the Chiefs have lost by a combined a 79 points. They have scored 10, and that number is sure to decrease after running back JaMaal Charles is likely out for the season after turning his ACL into wet tissue paper. The Chiefs aren't just showing post-2010 fatigue; they are comatose.
The Smarmy D-Bag Award: I was previously never annoyed by CBS announcer Phil Simms (perhaps a sign of my immaturity), but this year, I feel nothing but resentment and the need to spew acrimony. A week after Simms defended incessant poor calls in the Steelers/Ravens game and attacked Boomer Esiason on a few occasions, Simms continued his personal vendetta against Esiason this week, as he said Esiason looked skinny next to the newest member of the CBS In-Studio crew, former NFL offensive lineman Kris Jenkins.
Simms attacks the weight issue of Jenkins (one profiled in this great Grantland piece) and makes fat jokes against Esiason. I liked it better when Simms spent the game in silence fondling his Super Bowl ring. He still does that, but now he talks about it openly. We are a much worse country because of it.
Least Dramatic "Dramatic" Thing Award: As is suddenly custom on NBC's Sunday Night Football, we are blessed with football highlights from Tony Dungy's son, who plays receiver for the University of Oregon. This week, he scored a touchdown, described by Dan Patrick as "dramatic." And it was the most dramatic screen pass up 42 points against Fresno State of all time. Sidenote: Shouldn't Tony Feeny be up in arms over his son's dreadlocks?
The Most Demeaning Moment Award: Tim Tebow was forced to play wide receiver on a few plays Sunday, the product of some sick Kordell Stewart fantasy. This likely ends any chance of Tebow starting as a quarterback in Denver, as it is obvious that they only value him as a low-level, multi-faceted handyman.
The Greatest Show on Turf Award: The Buffalo Bills and Harvard quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick have scored 78 points so far this year, making a mockery of the Chiefs and Raiders defenses. Long live whoever is coaching the Bills, because I honestly can't name him or the state that Buffalo is in.
The Eddie House Irrational Confidence Award: Rex Grossman continued his surprisingly inspired play Sunday, going for a win against the Cardinals while having a 25-43, 291, 2 TD day. Grossman is a comparatively worse Eddie House, the Miami Heat sixth man who never saw a shot inside 35 feet he didn't like. And God bless him for it. You too, Rexy.
McCown Award for Worst McCown: Luke McCown continued his family's record of quarterbacking futility when he went 6/19, 59, 4 INT against the New York Jets. If McCown isn't the worst quarterback in professional football, then I am really not sure who is. This was quite the statement game in that regard.
Funniest Play of All-Time Award: Vince. Wilfork. Interception. Return. 400 pounds.
Heart Palpitation Award: The hit to Ben Roethlisberger's knee Sunday caused me to catch my heart in my throat, as it looked eerily similar to the Brady season-ender from 2008. Words don't describe the five minutes of panic I suffered. I needed an oxygen mask, and none were handy. Sure, he returned a few plays later, but it looked like his knee was going to resemble Hitler's mutilated Inglorious Bastards face. I am still out of breath, or I may just be out of shape.