It all started with an offseason of uncertainty.
It was followed by an expedited free-agent frenzy that scattered more NFL players than a Roger Goodell bust at a Pacman Jones strip club.
However, without delay, the NFL season opened up Thursday without any hiccups, new DUI arrests or coaches shooting more foot fetish videos. (That we know about at least.)
More importantly, Thursday marked the start of something even more anticipated than season three of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Well, maybe not that anticipated, but close:
Anyone who can sit here and tell me they watched the Bengals play the Browns on Sunday for the explosive, offensive action and didn't tally the rushing attempts by Cedric Benson, should check their nose. It is likely growing exponentially.
"It's not even real life, it's fantasy," my girlfriend used to say as I sat glued to my stat tracker, watching red dots proceed methodically down a virtual field instead of exchanging pleasantries with her family at the dinner table.
A new year always brings a fresh start and the hopes that your chums will forget your pitiful attempt at managing your fantasy football team the previous season.
Thursday’s opener featured two of the league’s elite fantasy players in Drew Brees and Aaron Rodgers. Both failed to disappoint, throwing for over 300 yards and three touchdowns, providing a jovial start to the 2011 fantasy campaign for team owners.
If you have one of these fantasy gods, you probably attempted to come up with a witty team name, but instead ended up somewhere between a double entendre and idiotic.
“Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood.”
“Life's a Brees.”
Am I getting close?
Perhaps Jerry Maguire quotes tickle your fancy.
“Brees and Dogs Can Smell Fear.”
"The Brees Knees."
Sorry, now I'll stop.
You probably think you are a creative genius.
You also likely wear Jesus sandals with socks, tuck your collared shirt into your jeans and have a leather cell phone case affixed to your belt.
You may or may not have a fancy job title like a Senior Quantitative Analyst II. (The II came with no pay increase, but you took it for the title, plus they threw in a free abacus.)
Your friends recently mentioned you had a mangina and you just laughed along because you thought they were talking about the current ESPN analyst and former Browns head coach.
Don't fret. Help is here.
A snazzy, hip, uniquely splendorous team name is the only thing standing in the way of fantasy football supremacy—you can recoup some of those man cards you lost along the way.
These ridiculously original names are guaranteed to knock your cell phone right out of its holster and help you regain the respect you deserve.
They should all be original, but if any of them are not, that probably just means I’ve subconsciously plagiarized along the way.
"So let me get this straight...you're watching stats calculate?"
"Look babe, it's not my fault your grandma's funeral was the same day as my critical Week 6 matchup against the Boston Teabags..."