Jim Hendry Fired: 5 Candidates for the Chicago Cubs Vacant GM Spot

I"ll miss you Jim
David Banks/Getty Images

As a Cardinals fan, I am going to be sad to see Jim Hendry go.

The world is just a better place when the Chicago Cubs are terrible. It feels right. And Hendry did his part to ensure that the Cubs will continue to provide us entertaining folly well into the next decade. 

With all of the turmoil in the world, having the Cubs stink gives me a sense of comfort. Like a bomb shelter. Or shelves full of your mom’s canned peaches. 

The idea that the Cubs might actually hire a competent GM (doubtful) has me feeling a bit of unease. A certainty just became slightly less certain.

December 21, 2012 is rapidly approaching, so let’s not anger the gods, who clearly prefer the Cubs to be a laughing stock. Here are five suggestions for a new GM that will keep the world safe.

Am I a Clown to You?

I think it could work

Bozo the Clown

He is a Chicago icon, so why not keep the theme alive? I think they are on like the 10th Bozo by now, but the Cubs have had a worse run of GMs in that time. 

Mock all you want, but I guarantee you that Bozo would have never given Soriano $136 million.

Da GM?

No one wants to risk this again

Mike Ditka

This would be the worst decision Ditka has made since that sweater vest. 

Da Coach is a god in Chicago and as long as he never does anything within the city limits (like murdering a prostitute…. actually, he could murder a prostitute or two), he will remain a God. 

Ditka has nothing to gain from this, and it might lead to him singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” again, which no one wants. 

On second thought, Ditka is out.

It's My Health and I Take It Pretty Seriously

If you want to get better, eat apple pie. And hire Brimley

Wilford Brimley

The Cubs need someone with logic, someone with the capacity for reason, someone stern and paternal. Wilford Brimley may just be the guy. 

The man knows oats. You could set your watch to his bowels. This is the kind of regularity the team must have if they are to continue this Golden Age. 

The Cubs need someone to supply discipline, and Brimley is a man people listen to, whether he is talking about on base percentage or incontinence.

Does This Look Like Dead Soriano Storage?

Even The Wolf has limits to his problem solving

Winston Wolf

Just because you can deal with brains splattered all over the back seat of a car, does not mean you have what it takes to deal with the mess that is the Cubs. 

But The Wolf is cool.  He was at a party in a tuxedo at 7:00 AM.  

If he can take a rambling Quentin Tarantino in a bathrobe, I think he might be able to handle the Big Z.  At the very least, it would be funny to see Tom Ricketts walk away from Wrigley Field in a UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs t-shirt. 

He could probably make Soriano conveniently disappear into the open mouth of a junkyard. The Wolf is a fixer and the Cubs need major fixing.

W Does Not Stand for Win

I miss this face

George W. Bush 

Why not? It seems a natural marriage to pair the worst leader ever with the worst sports franchise ever. 

Sure, he ran the Texas Rangers (and the country) into the ground, but he did have the foresight to trade Sammy Sosa before he started doing steroids (wait, that’s not a good thing). 

I miss his press conferences, and since Harry Caray died, there has been a lack of incoherent nonsense blathered in the booth. 

At least make him mascot, or Ronnie Woo Woo’s sidekick. 

Come on, it’s lonely on the ranch, give the man a job. The world needs the Cubs to be bad. I think the Mayan’s predicted it.