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MLB Power Rankings: Comparing Every MLB Team to a Classic '80s Rock Band

Asher ChanceySenior Analyst IDecember 11, 2016

MLB Power Rankings: Comparing Every MLB Team to a Classic '80s Rock Band

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    Don't stop believin'!

    If you are fans of the Pittsburgh Pirates, Cleveland Indians, Tampa Bay Rays, Arizona Diamondbacks or Milwaukee Brewers, teams on the cusp of unexpected greatness, this anthemic 1980s rock slogan has good words to live by. Made mildly popular 20 years ago by the classic '80s rock band Journey, the song Don't Stop Believin' has become that decade's gift to a retro-looking pop culture in the second decade of the 21st Century as we hope for a better tomorrow.

    Speaking of classic '80s bands, here is a look at the current MLB Power Rankings, Classic 1980's Bands edition. 

30. Houston Astros: Duran Duran

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    Not a bad time, and for the most part you’ll recognize everything they’re doing as music and even be able to sing along with some of the songs.

    But they are ultimately forgettable, and not likely to make their mark in a memorable way.

29. Florida Marlins: Menudo

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    Perpetually young, by rule: the guys who put this group together decided early on that once the band members reached a certain age, they had to move on and be replaced by new, young blood.

    While this has resulted in success here and there, for the most part the fans smell a gimmick.

28. Kansas City Royals: The Go-Gos

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    A real fun band who peaked in the early 1980s and have not done anything meaningful since then.

    In the years since, they have occasionally threatened to put it all together again, only to fall short.

27. San Diego Padres: The Police

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    What happens to a band when its wildly popular front-man decides to leave the group in pursuit of his own fame and fortune?

    The group becomes largely irrelevant.

26. Seattle Mariners: Queen

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    It was hard to appreciate at the time, but these guys did some truly ground-breaking things 10-15 years ago.

    It is too bad they have not been able to replicate it since.

25. Baltimore Orioles: The Rolling Stones

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    These guys were tremendous in the 1960s and 1970s, and even though they continue to produce music, they are really just vainly trying to recapture the magic and are caught in perpetual reminiscences of an earlier, greater time.

24. Chicago Cubs: The Grateful Dead

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    The music isn’t all that great, the fans are obnoxious and everyone is either drunk or stoned, but the stadiums continue to sell out, show after show.

23. Washington Nationals: Starship

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    Formed as Jefferson Airplane, an entirely different name, in the 1960s, this band has been through two iterations and now has a completely different name and lineup than it did in the beginning.

22. Oakland Athletics: The Smiths

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    Truly ahead of their time, this early alternative act had a brief period of success before it all fell apart, and now they remain a cult favorite revered by many music geeks despite their small body of successful work.

21. New York Mets: The Ramones

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    Formed in Queens in the 1960s, this band has had lots of great moments, though none of them have been recent; their own arrogance and self-destructive behavior seems to have gotten the best of them.

20. Colorado Rockies: The Bangles

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    Had some really great moments, but the deck was really stacked against these girls because of their model, and the success was not sustainable.

19. Toronto Blue Jays: Whitesnake

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    Without a terribly unique sound, look or approach, Whitesnake was kind of lost in an otherwise crowded Heavy Metal/Glam Rock scene that featured more interesting and more talented groups.

18. Cleveland Indians: Genesis

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    This was once a fantastic group making fabulous music.

    Then its not-one-but-two mega-superstars went out on their own, and it hasn’t been the same since.

17. Minnesota Twins: Huey Lewis and the News

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    Yeah, sure their music is catchy and you can dance to it, but have they done anything relevant in the last 20 years?

16. Pittsburgh Pirates: A-HA!

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    We were all fooled.

    We thought that this was going to be the next great band.

    Of course, their one hit song was transparently bad, and gave us no real reason to believe that their success could be sustained. But it sure was exciting while it lasted.

15. Los Angeles Dodgers: Fleetwood Mac

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    Are we really going to let the split-up of the high profile couple at the center of this operation ruin one of our most iconic rock and roll bands?

14. Cincinnati Reds: Van Halen

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    A very talented group of musicians with a maniacal, self-important front man who, though wildly popular with the casual rock fans, is known to be a self-indulgent boob by those who pay any attention at all.

13. Chicago White Sox: Motley Crue

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    Lots of loud, obnoxious, noisy aggression with not a lot of subtlety.

    Occasionally, they will wow you, but for the most part only the most loyal fans could love these guys.

12. Tampa Bay Rays: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

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    Talented musicians, although we doubt they have what it takes to go from good rock-and-roll band to iconic rock-and-roll band like their close peers and rivals, especially with their limited following.

11. Arizona Diamondbacks: Sugarhill Gang

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    A one-hit wonder who peaked years ago with one of the greatest numbers of all time and has been trying to get back to that level ever since.

10. Detroit Tigers: Guns 'n Roses

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    With one of the greatest rock-and-roll singers and one of the greatest rock-and-roll guitarists in the business, this band reached the pinnacle of success on the strength of letting their talent trump their dysfunction.

    Once the dysfunction takes over, though, it will all crumble like a house of cards.

9. Milwaukee Brewers: The Traveling Wilburys

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    Putting it all together for one great album.

    Whether the album succeeded or not, was inconsequential because nothing was going to keep this group of talented and high-priced musicians together.

8. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Hall & Oates

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    Can it be called a band when really it is just a duo?

    Without these two guys, the band would be nowhere.

7. Texas Rangers: AC/DC

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    This group achieved success with their original front man, and their new front man arrived amidst controversy and doubts.

    While there have been some bumps in the road, he now has become an icon of the team and a symbol of their unprecedented success.

6. Atlanta Braves: The Pixies

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    Consistently doing top-tier level work, though no one knows because they couldn’t fill a coffee house and don’t have the kind of big-draw appeal that the chart-toppers all enjoy.

5. San Francisco Giants: ZZ Top

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    Good music and a fun time, but...

    What’s up with those beards?

4. St. Louis Cardinals: Journey

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    In the 1980s, this band figured out a formula for success, and by sticking to that formula they managed to turn crap into gold over and over again for years.

3. Boston Red Sox: Aerosmith

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    The Bad Boys from Boston have often been mistaken for America’s Greatest Rock Band.

    Make what you will of their various rises and falls over the years, and their heartbreaking moments, but this group is an American icon and has an established formula for success.

2. New York Yankees: Bon Jovi

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    The megalomaniacal monolithic destroyer of music venues.

    This is a band that the industry media is so in bed with that they have elevated above-average level performers into American musical icons, much to the sufferance of the rest of us.

1. Philadelphia Phillies: U2

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    In the 1980s, this was a group that put it all together in an incredibly sublime way.

    Everything they touch turns to gold, and everywhere they go their shows are sold out night after night.

    The sky is the limit for these boys.

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