How They Voted: The 2008 Boston Red Sox (Humor)
Today is election day for one of the most important and polarizing elections in the history of our great country. I hope everyone takes time out of their day to fufill their most important responsibility as an American citizen.
Although all votes are confidential, we have the scoop on our 2008 Boston Red Sox! Check the names below to see who, and why, the local nine cast their ballot,
Jason Varitek voted for John McCain because he could relate to his leadership. Plus, Varitek understands what its like being over the hill and still wanting a few more years of glory before calling it a career.
David Ortiz voted for Barack Obama due to a bond formed while defending controversial friends. Ortiz told our exit polls "Ayers? Wright? Khalidi? Try defending Manny Ramirez in the Boston media/locker-room ..."
Jason Bay voted for McCain-Palin because he knows the great things that can happen by having as many clueless hockey moms around as possible from his life experiences in Canada.
Theo Epstein voted for Obama-Biden, because like Senator Biden, he recognizes the importance of helping people find their favorite three letter word, jobs. J-OB-S-, jobs.
Tim Wakefield voted for John McCain because of their long-standing relationship they formed as college roommates before graduating from the Naval Academy in 1958.
Kevin Youkilis voted for Barack Obama because, as a stellar defensive player on both sides of the diamond, he appreciates Obama's ability to change positions on anything at the drop of a hat.
Dustin Pedroia voted for John McCain, because after his career year is hoping, like most Republicans, for four years of "more of the same."
Julio Lugo voted for Barack Obama, because like Michelle Obama, he was proud of America for the first time when he was overpaid for a four-year period to ruin the team that chose him.
Mike Lowell voted for John McCain due to foreign policy. Just as Lowell is preventing the Sox from signing Mark Teixeira, Iraq prevents us from fighting the country that harbors the people who attacked us.
Hideki Okajima, a lefty, voted for Barack Obama to differentiate himself from all those "other" types of people out there bitterly clinging to their guns and religion.
Josh Beckett voted for McCain-Palin, because any platform involving cutting pork and field-dressing a moose sounds like the right direction to him.
Jonathan Van Every voted for Barack Obama due to their similarities. Despite having no experience, Van Every feels he is ready to lead the team immediately.
Jonathan Papelbon voted for McCain-Palin, because he swears when he focuses really hard before a pitch, sometimes he thinks he can see Russia, too.
Bartolo Colon voted for Barack Obama because he is a dues-paying member of the Barack Obama Pie of the Month club.
Mike Timlin voted for John McCain because he believes the only way to solve a problem is to continue doing the same thing, whether its drilling for oil or throwing batting-practice speed fastballs
Manny Ramirez voted for Barack Obama because he misintrepreted his socialist "spread the wealth around" as meaning all 30 teams would help pay his new contract if Obama was elected.
Jacoby Ellsbury voted for John McCain because he didn't see the need for things to change, whether it be the economic policies of our government or starting Coco Crisp over him in the playoffs.
J.D. Drew cast his ballot for Barack Obama, because nobody know the feeling of simply voting present for most of the year quite like J.D. Drew.
Curt Schilling, wait, you're serious? Just ask Curt, he'd love to talk to you about it, as long as there are cameras and three media sources around.
Daisuke Matsuzaka voted for Barack Obama because he can appreciate Obama's ability to be perceived and paid as a top performer with no real record or statistics to back it up.
Clay Buchholz wrote-in Sarah Palin's name, hoping he'd catch her attention and ditch his current Penthouse Pet of the Year girlfriend for the Alaskan governer.
Jon Lester voted for Obama-Biden, because he believes you can overcome any disability or illness to do anything you set your mind to; just like Senator Biden believes parapeligic Chuck Graham can "Stand Up."
I am well known throughout Fire Brand to be a non-partisan writer who avoids the political scene when covering sports for MVN. With that in mind, hopefully you've enjoyed Fire Brand's exclusive look at the 2008 election through the eyes of our local nine. Now hit the voting booths today and vote based on your political and moral beliefs, not on David Ortiz or Tim Wakefield!
I am Ryne Crabb, and I approve this article.
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