MLB: NL Central, Second Half Predictions for All Six Clubs

Recently I sat down to prognosticate the outcome of the NL Central. 

One cauldron, a half-dozen eight balls and a few eyes of the newt later, I was able to perfectly divine the second half outcome of every National League Central Division team.  Of course, this was one hundred percent without flaw. 

Now, let me share my revelations with you.

Houston Astros

One Outta Three Ain’t Bad

The Astros finish the season with the worst record in team history, finishing at 60 wins on the dot.  Popular September promotions include heckle the dug-out day and straight razor night.

Master Thief

Michael Bourn eclipses 60 stolen bases for the second time in his young career.  Midway through the second half, he begins taking them home with him and posting them on Craigslist, due to the team payroll freeze. 

Ever Resourceful

The Astros set all-time low attendance records, but in a brilliant twist to increase attendance, management opens Minute Maid Park to the public as an air-conditioned rest area.  Would-be shelter seekers are turned away by the stench of awful baseball.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Lyle Overbay Moved to Bench, Garrett Jones to First Base

In a not-too-shocking move, massively-underperforming first baseman Lyle Overbay is moved to the bench.  Garrett Jones is moved back to first base in order to leave room in the outfield for both youngsters, Alex Presley and Jose Tabata.

Not the King, but this Presley will do

Bucs outfielder Alex Presley continues his tear in the majors. Building on his surprise emergence last year, the Pirates rookie continues to abuse baseballs foolish enough to enter the strike zone. Pitchers across the league file domestic charges. In a surprise, he edges out a trio of Braves youngsters for the NL Rookie of the Year Award.

Reynolds Wraps it Up: Puts a Bow on the Top of the Lineup

The Bucs use their budget flexibility to acquire slugging third baseman Mark Reynolds from the Orioles.  Reynolds holds down third base, while Pedro Alvarez irons his swing out. When Alvarez gets the call back up, Reynolds begins splitting his time between first and third.

Chicago Cubs

Cubs Say Sayonara to Fukudome

Not since the Yamato has Japan produced an offensive disappointment of this magnitude.

Where’s he traded to? What for? Doesn’t matter.

Probably to the Red Sox though, for a paraplegic LHP or maybe a Labrador Retriever converted to center fielder. The way the Cubs have been playing their best baseball move probably would be showcasing for the next "Air Bud" movie. Rumors swirling around baseball circles say Jim Hendry has been holding pitching auditions for several 13-year-olds with casted arms.

Alfonso Soriano, Kerry Wood to the Yankees

In the biggest cash dump since the collapse of the ruble, the Cubs miraculously rid themselves of Soriano’s contract, albeit having to kick in a little.  In return, the Cubs receive a collectible Subway Series 20 oz. soda cup, autographed by none other than Chris Dickerson (no, not the Dickerson who’s good at football, the one who’s marginal at baseball.)

Starlin the Man

Starlin Castro finishes in the top ten in MVP balloting. He’s pretty good, but well yeah, most writers are total homers.

Cincinnati Reds

Reds’ Jay Bruce, Red Hot

Coming off of his first All-Star Game selection, the former No. 1 prospect hits all of everything during the back half of the season. Jay finishes out the season second only to Prince Fielder in home runs among National Leaugers and carriers an OPS well above .900.

D-Train Regains Locomotion

The former super-talent Dontrelle Willis gets back on track over the late stretch. Less electric, more grease, this isn’t quite the same successful version of D-Train that pitched for the Marlins. The D-Train of past years that was less intimidating than Thomas the Tank Engine, that was constantly getting railed won’t be arriving (take note Guinness, I’ve just set a record for train-related quips) either. Posting an ERA a tad below 4.00, Willis gets by more on craftiness than stuff.

Coco, Less than Crisp

Twelve-million dollar man Francisco Cordero continues to build on his recent trend.  Not the good kind of building, mind you, more like playing Jenga with plastic explosives: a precarious, destructive ending that most anyone could see coming. Coco’s ERA sails north of 4.00 and the blown saves pile up, but the Reds and Dusty Baker stubbornly keep him in the “closer” role.

St. Louis Cardinals

Pujols Continues to Be Pujols

The best player of his generation continues to silence any doubters who ousted him after his less than stellar April. By the end of the year Albert posts just a ho-hum 40 home runs or better, batting average exceeding .300 and over 100 RBIs and runs scored on his way to his fourth MVP.

Shields Operational, Rasmus Rasped

In a blockbuster trade the Cards ship off dissatisfied center fielder Colby Rasmus.  Joining him is outfield partner Jon Jay. In exchange the Tampa Bay Rays send James Shield and B.J. Upton. A couple useless prospects no one will remember are included. Per usual, the Cards end up getting the better of this deal with B.J. providing solid offense with bearable defense and Shields helping solidify the Cards' rotation.

Injury Woes Continue

Right fielder Lance Berkman ends the season with a decimated [choose one: hamstring, wrist bone, bicep, left testicle]. Young stud David Freese spends a good portion of the second half at his second home: the disabled list. Everyone who's not a Cardinals fan wishes Chris Carpenter would fall on a knife.  No such luck.

Milwaukee Brewers

Zack Greinke Still Sucks

Unfortunately for Brewers faithful, known head case Zack Greinke continues to be the split personality of himself who doesn’t pitch well. The supposed ace at the beginning of the season becomes such a pitching pariah that even Barry Zito can’t help but chuckle.

Lack of Bullpen Depth Proves Costly

Brew crew fans have heard this story plenty of time in recent years: team good enough to win games, bullpen bad enough to give them away. The Brewers have a lock down closer in Axford, which they’ve been missing for a while, but the middle relievers get worn down before they can hand him the keys. So goes many a crushing losses.

D! D! D!  D-Farce!!?

The Brewers’ infield gets more exposed as the season wears on. Yuniesky Betancourt continues to dazzle onlookers with his ability to somehow still hold a job at the major league level. Rickie Weeks displays why he’ll be moving from second base sooner rather than later. Casey McGehee continues to look and field like an adult-sized Bobby Hill.

Final Standings

Like a slow dancing, zit-riddled teen at a middle school dance all of the NL Central clubs have been reluctant to take the lead thus far.  No worries, come late August expect for there to be a lot of bumping and grinding.  Without further a due, the final standings:

1. St. Louis Cardinals: 92-70

Good pitching depth and a stout lineup headed by Sir Albert keep the Cards ahead of the pack.

2. Cincinnati Reds: 89-73 (Wild Card)

With some luck and the Braves' inability to keep their foothold, the Reds sneak into the playoffs.

3. Milwaukee Brewers: 87-75

A crummy bullpen haunts the Brewers...

4. Pittsburgh Pirates: 82-80

Over .500? Someone get the ticker-tape parade rolling!

5. Chicago Cubs:  Ugly-Looking

It's better if we just leave this one alone.

6. Houston Astros: Remember that Episode of X-Files with the Inbred Mongoloid Family?  That Ugly.

The horror!