Whether it's the result of a meddling media blowing issues out of proportion or a complete lack of perceived consequence that stems from the unprecedented wealth and entitlement of the modern athlete, hearing an NFL star's name in the police blotter has become about as expected as a chorus of boos enveloping anyone who shares a platform with Gary Bettman.
Sure, it's not just football stars getting into trouble, but the league sure has its share of athletes seeking the notoriety that comes with Marv Albert's dentures.
Any newspaper that has a section devoted to obituaries (which is all of them) could easily use that same template to list the roster of athletes getting their hands cuffed. It kills their reputation for about two days, as unlike the dead, perspective on the modern athlete is fickle and temporary.
If the equivalent of how quickly angry Americans forgive their sinful icons correlated with a resolution for actual death, we'd all be boarding our windows, arming with shotguns, and asking George A. Romero how he "knew they would rise."
D.U.I.
Disorderly conduct.
Aggravated assault.
Possession of a weapon.
Possession of marijuana.
There's a laundry list of common violations in the cookie jar, and it seems like the modern athlete either takes his notes from Cookie Monster (and perhaps his I.Q.) or the media just can't get enough coverage of yummy baked goods.
It's a good thing that we have Roger Goodell's cat o' nine tails to keep the murderous players NOT named Roethlisberger in line.
The fines barely dent players' handsome checkbooks, fans seem to equate two touchdowns as the tonic for villainy, and many of these men simply don't learn anything from their mistakes.
Just ask Santonio Holmes, who had 900 miles between South Beach (5/27/06: disorderly conduct) to Columbus (6/19/06: domestic violence) to get a clue.
Yet, for all of the iniquitous players who turn a blind eye to the law, soliciting aversion from a blind public that will ultimately just pardon them, there are a select few who take criminality to a level of unpredictability that would rival the Metrodome roof, Bill Buckner's glove or the Chiefs winning nine games in 2011.
Why do people get mad? Because in spite of all of their wealth, resources and good fortune, a vast majority of athletes, like the vast majority of people, make bad decisions.
Fairly or unfairly, the public holds role models to a higher standard, at least for a little while. Yeah, money leads to temptation, but can't it lead to comfortable lifestyles of suburbia....once in a while?
Athletes, like people, will be stupid.
And, of those, some strive to be artistically stupid.
"This town needs a better class of criminal, and I'm gonna give it to 'em."
-The Joker ("The Dark Knight")
The Darwin Awards, named for scientist Charles Darwin, are a macabre, tongue-in-cheek honor often used to recognize the strangest, silliest deaths.
So, where's the award for arrests?
Consider this my macabre, tongue-in-cheek countdown of immaturity from men who are supposed to be role models (but spoke to Charles Barkley).
In an ground-breaking era of ALC (Athletic Legal Comedy), the media trumpets as loudly as ever for its star malefactors!
Here are the 10 oddest legal...interventions?...of NFL players during the last five years (since 2006).
Tom Pidgeon/Getty Images
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