The R-Rated Yogi: The 25 Most Memorable Ozzie Guillen Quotes of All-Time

Derek CooleyCorrespondent IMay 26, 2011

The R-Rated Yogi: The 25 Most Memorable Ozzie Guillen Quotes of All-Time

0 of 25

    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    If you don't know who Ozzie Guillen is, don't let him catch wind of it, because the current Chicago White Sox skipper is not afraid to fill you in.

    Ozzie Guillen is currently in his ninth season managing the White Sox, in which he has captured two AL Central Division titles, a World Series trophy (2005) and an AL Manager of the Year award (2005).

    Being in his ninth year at the helm also indicates that we have nine years of absolute grammatical gold to sort through when it comes to the outspoken manager.  

    Ozzie manages much like he played back in his younger days as a Major League shortstop, and speaks like he did back in his Venezuelan days (his native country).

    What makes Ozzie's quotes so memorable is his unique use of language and vocabulary.  Upon further review, Ozzie seems to mesh three separate languages in different contexts to create his own brand of talk.  

    It's usually a fiery combination of Spanish (his native language), English (his second language) and Cursing (his favorite language).

    However you put it, Ozzie calls them like he sees them.  And he could care less if that makes you his fan or his enemy.

    And now I give you the Top 25 Ozzie Guillen Quotes of all-time.

25. Ozzie on Running the Bases

1 of 25

    Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

    Here are two separate gems regarding his players running the base-paths, or lack thereof.

    • “Hermie told me that A.J. is a little slow running the bases. I told him, no kidding, what have you been watching over the past two years?” - Ozzie on White Sox trainer Herm Schneider's evaluation of A.J. Pierzynski's ankle.
    • "Usually the manager wants his players to get a hit. I cheer for him not to get a hit because then he will have to run the bases." -  Ozzie on starting pitcher Jose Contreras.

24. Brandon McCarthy

2 of 25

    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    White Sox starting pitcher Brandon McCarthy showed a lot of promise during the 2006 campaign.

    However, Brandon was traded to the Texas Rangers the following offseason as part of the John Danks deal.

    After the trade, McCarthy told local reporters that he enjoyed the atmosphere more in Texas than Chicago, mainly because he and teammate Brian Anderson were the only two players who weren't married or didn't have a serious girlfriend.

    It may seem slight, but the Wizard of Oz hears all.  Ozzie's response:

    “You played with us 162 games and all of a sudden you leave and say you don’t have a friend in the clubhouse, only Brian Anderson?  Well, he picked the wrong guy to be friends with.” 

23. Mariano Duncan

3 of 25

    Harry How/Getty Images

    Ozzie Guillen is proud to say where he comes from, that being the country of Venezuela.  Ozzie is even more proud of the fact that he was the first Latino manager to lead an MLB team to a World Series title.

    What Ozzie isn't proud of is the fact that another fellow Latino coach had the nerve to call him out as an embarrassment to Latinos in baseball.

    Mariano Duncan, a native of the Dominican Republic, felt his was his duty as first base coach of the Los Angeles Dodgers to speak against Ozzie.  This is what Duncan told the Los Angeles Times in June '06:

    "He embarrassed every Latino player, coach and front-office person.  Ozzie is a hero in his country and a hero in my country.  We are here in America, where you can speak freely.  But you don't say everything that comes to your mind.  He has to learn to slow down a little bit. You have to learn how to close your mouth."

    And, of course, the Ozzie response:

    “Mariano Duncan never will be a big league manager and not because I ruined it for him.  If Mariano Duncan thinks being a manager is making out the lineup and changing pitchers, he is real wrong."

    Guillen is still managing and Duncan still isn't managing.  Advantage Ozzie.   

22. Andy Van Slyke

4 of 25

    Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

    Yes, that is former Detroit Tiger first base coach Andy Van Slyke on the right.

    When Van Slyke wasn't too busy cuddling up with slugger Miguel Cabrera, he was ripping into Ozzie Guillen.

    Ozzie was "visually upset" after a failed retaliation pitch by Jon Garland in a game against the Tigers in 2006.  After the game, Andy Van Slyke told a radio interviewer that he would have punched the White Sox skipper had that happened to him.

    Guess what, Andy, Ozzie heard you.  This is what he had to say:

    “That’s why he’s coaching first base and I’m managing in the big leagues.  I’m going to manage in the big leagues longer than he’s going to coach first base.” 

    This was said in 2006, and Van Slyke was relieved of his first base duties in 2009.  Ozzie continues to manage the White Sox to this day.

    Yet again, advantage Ozzie Guillen.

21. Scott Linebrink

5 of 25

    Jared Wickerham/Getty Images

    During Spring Training prior to the 2009 season, White Sox reliever Scott Linebrink informed his manager he couldn't pitch that day.  Ozzie Guillen's reaction to Linebrink's pre-game headache was priceless.

    "I believe him because he's a real religious guy. Someone else tells me they have a migraine, I know they are hung over."

20. Umpire Phil Cuzzi

6 of 25

    Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

    In April 2008, Ozzie Guillen is short and to the point when asked about the words exchanged between him and MLB Umpire Phil Cuzzi prior to an April baseball game.

    “I just let him know I don’t like him the first day I see him, and I think he feels the same way about me. And we have to move on.” 

    At least they agree to disagree, in a sense. 

19. Mike North

7 of 25

    How does Ozzie Guillen start a conversation with someone he doesn't particularly like?  Just ask former Chicago sports-radio personality Mike North when interviewing him live on the air in May 2007.

    Mike North - "How you doing, Ozzie?"

    Ozzie Guillen - "Oh, shut the [bleep] up."

    That pretty much sums up that topic.

18. On His Kids

8 of 25

    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    When Michael Barrett sucker-punched A.J. Pierzynski during the Cubs-Sox series in 2006, a big scuffle ensued involving many players.

    When a reporter asked manager Ozzie Guillen if his kids were involved, regarding his sons Ozzie Jr., Ozney and Oney, the skipper had a particularly comical response.

    "If my kids were on the field, they were going to get their [butts] kicked.  What's Ozzie [Jr.] going to do? Eat somebody. My other one is 20 pounds and the other one is only 14.  One is a baby, one is too little, another one, the only thing he can do is eat somebody or drink somebody."

    I think that answers the question, just don't tell that to Ozzie's sons.

17. Umpire Dan Iassogna

9 of 25

    The second umpire on Ozzie Guillen's bad side is Dan Iassogna.  Iassogna has thrown out the Sox manager twice in his career, but it was the first incident that caused Ozzie to give him a piece of his mind.

    On Aug. 22, 2006, Ozzie stepped onto the diamond during the second inning in a game against the Detroit Tigers to argue balls and strikes.  Ozzie stated his case and started heading towards the dugout.

    According to Guillen, Iassogna then said something that didn't sit right with the skipper.  Ozzie then charged back and was subsequently tossed by the ump.

    Ozzie was still livid seven innings after the dispute and ranted a little after the game.

    “But in the meanwhile, you can’t do [bleep] because they have all the power.  The more you talk, the more suspensions, more money they take away from you, and you have to shut the [bleep] up and can’t do [bleep]."

16. Bartolo Colon

10 of 25

    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    In 2009, Bartolo Colon was a member of the White Sox.  Yes, you may have forgotten considering he bore more similarities to the security guards protecting him than his professional athlete teammates.

    So now that we got that down, this "professional athlete" was sent to Chicago's Triple-A affiliate, the Charlotte Knights, for a rehab start before he joined the White Sox.  That sounds like a pretty simple task for a Major League pitcher, but it was far from it.

    Somehow, Bartolo Colon went missing, and the White Sox had no idea where he had gone.

    Maybe his manager might know his whereabouts?  Cue Ozzie Guillen:

    "I worry about Colon because Colon was a big-time Michael Jackson fan. He might watch the TV and cry all day long. Maybe he's in L.A. at his funeral, because I can't find him. When he gets to Charlotte, Oney (Guillen's son) will call me and say he's there. Nobody knows how big of a Jackson fan Colon was. I'm serious. He might be depressed a little bit."

    That had to be it!

15. On Losing in September

11 of 25

    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    Nobody is happy when they lose in September, and Ozzie Guillen is no exception.

    At the end of the 2009 season, the White Sox lost a crucial game to the Detroit Tigers.  The skip was angry about the loss, as well as the elimination of the White Sox from the pennant race, but there was much more to the loss than just those to points.

    It was the fashion in which his team lost, and Ozzie wasn't holding back.

    "Very embarrassing. Not because we're out of the pennant race. I've been dealing with this for how many months, six months? Dealing with this for the next two, three days, five days, six days, whatever I have left, I'm not going to tolerate. They think the season's over for them? Yes. If they think the season's over for me, no.

    And I'm going to make it clear. It's a bunch of [bleeps] out there watching football games like a piece of [bleep] with no pride the way they [bleep] play, and that's embarrassing. ... I'm not in a pennant race, but at least I have some pride.

    When you go out there and you turn your TV on and watch stupid-[butt] football when those [bleep] football players don't give a [bleep] about you, that's embarrassing."

    Apparently football had something to do with the loss

14. On His Eventual Departure from Earth

12 of 25

    Jamie Squire/Getty Images

    Everybody has their own personal preference on which they leave this Earth.  It's something everyone has thought about at least once in their lifetime.  Death is inevitable, so why not talk about it?

    Ozzie has no problem talking about it, and let everyone know what his choice would be.

    “I hope I die on the field.  I hope when I walk to change the pitcher, I drop dead and that’s it. I know my family would be so happy that it happened on the field. They wouldn’t feel bad because that’s what I've always wanted to do."

    Maybe Don Cooper should start handling pitching changes, because no White Sox fan wants to lose the manager that brought them that coveted World Series trophy.

13. Umpire Hunter Wendelstedt

13 of 25

    Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

    The third umpire on Ozzie Guillen's bad side is Hunter Wendelstedt.

    Hunter Wendelstedt is the son of long-time Major League umpire Harry Wendelstedt, something Ozzie Guillen was well aware of.

    In his first explosive tirade as manager of the White Sox (2004 season), Guillen charged Wendelstedt at second base when he incorrectly called Carlos Lee out on a stolen-base attempt.

    During the argument, Ozzie apparently bumped the umpire with the bill of his cap, garnering a one game suspension, and uttered this fabulous one-liner:

    "You're not even a pimple on your daddy's [butt]"

    That was pretty clever if you ask me.

    After the dispute, Guillen turned and walked towards the dugout.  During the long walk back, Wendelstedt threw Ozzie with his back turned.  When Guillen got back to the dugout, someone had to inform the manager that he had been tossed. 

12. Rich Hill

14 of 25

    Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

    Nobody protects his players more than Ozzie Guillen.  That means current players, because we will soon see that former players don't fall under this category.

    Ozzie caught wind of shots taken by Cubs starting pitcher Rich Hill at his catcher, A.J. Pierzynski, after the famous brawl between the two Chicago clubs in May of 2006.

    Hill called Pierzynski's slap of the plate after scoring a run "gutless" and "pathetic."  Leave it to Ozzie Guillen to to one-up the former Cubs pitcher.

    “Tell that Triple-A [bleep] to shut the [bleep] up.  Tell him to start throwing some strikes or he’s going to get Dusty [Baker] fired.”

    Ozzie knew he was protecting one of his players, but he wasn't aware that he was predicting the future.

    The very next day, Rich Hill was demoted to Triple-A Iowa, and Dusty Baker was fired following the 2006 season.

    Well done, Ozzie.

11. Buck Showalter

15 of 25

    Jeff Gross/Getty Images

    Ozzie Guillen vs. Buck Showalter.

    Two managers that handle their business at complete opposite ends of the spectrum.  Ozzie being fiery and emotional, while Showalter is meticulous and disciplined.

    In September of 2004, Ozzie's first season as manager of the White Sox, Showalter was managing the team opposite the diamond that day, the Texas Rangers.  Showalter had called up his former reliever, John Wetteland, from coaching in the minor leagues to coach first base that night.

    Ozzie took exception to this action as testing his knowledge of baseball.  Whether or not Buck was familiar with Guillen's career, Ozzie let him know anyways.

    “[Showalter] never even smelled a jock in the big leagues.  Mr. Baseball never even got a hit in Triple-A.  I was a better player than him, I have more money than him and I’m better looking than him.” 

10. Wrigley Field

16 of 25

    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    Wrigley Field is literally a museum for America's pastime, with nearly one hundred years of baseball history.  Everyone can respect that fact, but you won't find many White Sox fans, if any, that actually like the place.

    A lot of things piss off Ozzie Guillen, but what could a historic stadium possibly do to piss even Ozzie off you ask?

    Well as the Chicago White Sox biggest fan, there is only one thing Wrigley has to do to get Ozzie angry.

    Exist.

    That being said, here is a little collection that sums up what Ozzie thinks about Wrigley Field.

    "You are going to take batting practice and the rats look bigger than a pig out there...I think the rats out there are lifting weights."

    "I wish I could do something about it. The Governor of Chicago, please build another one."

    "Because our fans are not stupid like Cubs fans. They know...Wrigley field is just a bar.”

    "It's a museum. They like to come to Wrigley Field. I don't say people don't like to come here. I say Ozzie doesn't like to come here."

    I hope by now Ozzie Guillen knows that Chicago actually has a Mayor, not a Governor.

9. On Jim Thome's Walk-off Homer as a Minnesota Twin Against Chicago

17 of 25

    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    It was Aug. 17, 2010.

    The White Sox were visiting the Minnesota Twins in a AL Central Division series.

    In the bottom of the 10th inning, Jim Thome launched a moonshot into the night sky that has yet to land to beat his former ball club.

    The White Sox could have re-signed their former slugger during the previous offseason, but the team decided not to.  Part of the reason was that Ozzie Guillen was happy with the club he had, and was convinced that a platoon DH was a good idea.

    Thome was already having a good year, something that hurt White Sox fans.  But this walk-off home run was almost unbearable to even comprehend.

    Before the game the following day, Ozzie answered his critics in the only way he knew how.

    “For all those people there saying it was my fault about Jim Thome, yes it’s my fault.  If those people don’t like that, [bleep] them. I’m not afraid. I can care less what people think. We’re in second place.

    "When Jim Thome was here, we finished third three times out of four years … Oh and I got one more year on my contract, just make sure to tell Jerry [Reinsdorf], get it ready, this crazy [bleeping] Mexican, it’s fine with me. They going to blame me about one home run, I’ll take the blame."

    As a die-hard White Sox fan, that was good enough for me.

8. Jay Mariotti

18 of 25

    Jay Mariotti, a former Chicago Sun-Times columnist, is one of Ozzie's most hated individuals.

    Ozzie originally didn't like the guy because he would be extremely quick to judge the White Sox and owner Jerry Reinsdorf without even stepping foot on the South-side.

    When Ozzie had a minor tantrum in 2006 over his reliever Sean Tracey not throwing a retaliation pitch, Mariotti had to get his two-cents in.

    Regarding the White Sox manager as the "Blizzard of Oz," Mariotti called his actions "senseless" and "immature."

    Not many people can get away with criticizing Ozzie, and Mariotti was definitely not getting away with this one.  Ozzie had more than one controversial thing to say about Mr. Mariotti.

    “What a piece of [bleep] he is, [bleeping] fag”

    “Why he’s so afraid to show up to the ballpark?  Tell him we’ll pay his cab.  Tell him to tell us where he lives, and we’ll bring him to the ballpark and we’ll have a conversation.”  

    “He’s garbage, still garbage, going to die as garbage.” 

    As we have seen in recent NBA fines, the first quote did not sit well with the MLB.

    However, we once again see that Ozzie has the rare ability to predict the future without even knowing it. Mariotti has still avoided U.S. Cellular Field since Ozzie's call-out in 2006.

    He was even more spot-on with his third quote.  

    In 2010, Mariotti pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor battery charge as a part of a plea deal that dropped six other misdemeanors.

    In March of 2011, Mariotti was charged with three felonies: stalking, corporal injustice to a spouse, and assault to create bodily harm.

    For further information on Mariotti's charges, click here to read the L.A. Times story.  

7. Umpire Joe West

19 of 25

    Greg Fiume/Getty Images

    The last but certainly NOT least hated umpire to make the list is Joe West.

    Ozzie and Joe had a nice run-in during the 2010 season.  I'll let Ozzie explain the situation.

    "I don't think he has the right and the power to let people know who is the chief on the field. We know he has to control the game, we know he has to control all the [bleep], but in the meanwhile, I don't think it was the right thing to do, like we balked him while we were on the field. Joe has been like that for a lot of years, and he's always going to be like this. I'm not going to change it, nobody is going to change it, but sometimes he thinks [bleeping] people pay to watch him [bleeping] umpire.

    "He's the type of guy that wants to control the game, it's good for the game, and to me one of the best umpires in the game, no doubt. But in the meanwhile, those years are on his shoulders and kind of heavy and showing people who he is. I deserve respect and the players here deserve respect here, too.

    "When you tell the manager to get the [bleep] off the field, I don't think that's a good way to handle situations. No matter what you say, what you do, how long you talk here, Major League Baseball doesn't do [bleep] for anything. I'll be waiting for my fine, get 'em the next day."

    “Because he’s a [bleeping] a-hole, that’s what he is.

    Joe West continues to show he may have something against the White Sox organization.  Just ask Sox broadcaster Ken "Hawk" Harrelson on his take of the situation.  

6. The Cubs and Lee Elia

20 of 25

    Andy Lyons/Getty Images

    If you weren't aware, Lee Elia was the first Chicago manager to publicly call out fans in an expletive-ridden tired after a Cubs loss in April 1983.

    Ozzie Guillen has since taken the torch from the former Cubs manager and ran with it, for miles.

    In 2008, the Chicago Cubs decided to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the infamous tirade (for some reason).  Ozzie Guillen couldn't keep his hands off this one.  I mean, any opportunity to rip the Cubs is taken by Guillen.

    "How about the Cubs celebrating that Lee Elia bull[bleep]? How many times do I curse people out? I will make a lot of money with my [stuff].

    "I have to keep going because in the future Ozzie will need money, and I can say, 'Here, give me money, here's the 10-year anniversary of my time I called Mariotti stuff and the time I went on the radio and cursed out Mike North,'"

    When all is said and done, Ozzie will be known for well more than just one tirade.  For that, I'm thankful.

     

5. The Media

21 of 25

    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    After the completion of a long road trip in August 2010, Ozzie Guillen felt that neither his team nor himself were welcomed back.

    This goes for the Chicago and national media, as well as the Guillen household.  Ozzie doesn't hold back during this rant.

    "When are they going to give our players the credit to be where we are right now?  When we beat the National League, we were a horse[bleep] team. When we beat Anaheim, they were going down. Now, Baltimore beat the [bleep] out of us, and nobody says anything.  Who gives a [bleep] who’s in town?  

    "How about, ‘the White Sox are back in Chicago after a long trip.’  Even my wife told me Minnesota is coming to town.  I said, ‘Good, you dating somebody from there?' Who cares."

    I couldn't agree more.  I just wish we could have known how Guillen's wife answered his last question.

4. Dustin Pedroia

22 of 25

    Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

    This one is just Ozzie being Ozzie.  And when Ozzie is just being Ozzie, he isn't afraid to belittle any opponent, regardless of the reason.

    In August 2008, the White Sox were squaring off against the Boston Red Sox.  There was a situation in which Ozzie was forced to walk Boston second baseman Dustin Pedroia.

    You wouldn't think Ozzie would muster up a masterful quote because he was forced to walk a good hitter, but you are so very wrong.

    "I never thought I would walk a jockey. I must be the worst manager in the history of baseball right now, walking a guy that just came from being on the top of Big Brown to beat the White Sox.  

    "The guy right now is on fire. No matter what you throw there, he's going to get it. I can't believe it. You can change professions from one year to another. To go from the Kentucky Derby to the Boston Red Sox ballpark and perform, that's amazing."

    Dustin, don't blame Ozzie for the jockey comparison, blame your parents.

3. The Cubs, Their Fans, and the Chicago Media

23 of 25

    Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

    If you hadn't heard, Ozzie Guillen isn't to fond of the cross-town rival Chicago Cubs.

    In 2008, just three years after the White Sox had won the first World Series in 88 years for the city of Chicago, Ozzie let loose on all of the "Cubs Love" prior to the cross-town showdown.

    "A couple of days ago we were the [bleeping] best stuff in town. Now we're [bleep]. ... We won it a couple years ago, and we're horse[bleep].  The Cubs haven't won in 100 years, and they're the [bleeping] best. [Bleep] it, we're good. [Bleep] everybody.

    "We're horse[bleep], and we're going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We are the [bleep] of Chicago. We're the Chicago [bleep]. We have the worst owner [Jerry Reinsdorf]. The guy's got seven [bleeping] rings, and he's the [bleeping] horse[bleep] owner."

    Ozzie doesn't understand all of the love for the team from the north, and neither do the White Sox faithful. Unfortunately, amount of love is all based on numbers.  More fans equals more money.  Which equals more coverage.  Which equals more love.

    Fortunately, winning isn't part of the equation.

2. Magglio Ordonez

24 of 25

    Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

    Prior to the 2005 season, right fielder Magglio Ordonez left the Chicago White Sox to sign a free agent deal with the Detroit Tigers.

    After his departure, Magglio had a few words to say about leaving and about joining his new club.  White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen took offense to some of those words, and believed that Ordonez pinned him as the guy that drove him out of Chicago.

    Guillen and Ordonez are both natives of Venezuela, and had a lot of praise for each other as teammates in 1997 as well as 2004 as player and manager.  That friendship was severed after Ordonez's comments, and Ozzie just completely ripped into his fellow countryman.

    “He played with the wrong guy.  He was bad-mouthing my team.  He was bad-mouthing my trainer.  He was bad-mouthing my general manager.  He was bad-mouthing my owner.  He was bad-mouthing my organization.  But when he said Ozzie…uh-oh.  As soon as he named me, it was on.”

    "He's a [bleep], that's what he is. He's another Venezuelan [bleep]. [Bleep] him. He has an enemy. Now he has a big one. He knows I can [bleep] him a lot of different ways. He better shut the [bleep] up and play for the Detroit Tigers.

    "Why do I have to apologize to him? Who the [bleep] is Magglio Ordonez? Why ever talk about me? He doesn't do [bleep] for me. But if he thinks I'm his enemy, he has a big enemy. He knows me."

    Once again, Ozzie has the last laugh.  Immediately after Magglio Ordonez left the organization, the White Sox won the World Series.

1. Ozzie on Ozzie

25 of 25

    Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

    The top Ozzie Guillen quote of all-time also happens to be his most recent quote on the list.

    What makes it special is the fact that he is talking about himself.  It is short, simple, and straight to the point.  It's so simple and direct that even a non-baseball fan could picture the type of guy Ozzie is and sees himself as.

    Ozzie uttered this stroke of genius during the past Spring Training to a Yahoo sports writer.

    "I'm the Charlie Sheen of baseball, without the drugs and a prostitute."

    At the end of the day, Ozzie Guillen is much more to baseball than his Charlie Sheen comparison.  He provides comic relief in times of peace and frustration, he exhibits a fiery passion for the game that is second-to-none, and he is a great human being.

    But, if baseball were to have a Charlie Sheen, it's Ozzie Guillen.

    Winning.