MLB Power Rankings: The Best Dating Decisions in Baseball History

K BFeatured ColumnistMay 15, 2011

MLB Power Rankings: The Best Dating Decisions in Baseball History

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    All people, even athletes, are looking for that love of their life.

    There isn't a better feeling than when you finally select that special someone to be the yin to your yang.

    These baseball players chose...wisely.

    So sit back, relax, and enjoy looking through the Top 25 major leaguers who found their true love while you sit alone in the dark behind your computer for the rest of your life. 

No. 25: Juliana Ramirez-Manny Ramirez

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    Word on the street is that Manny and Juliana met at a Bally's Total Fitness. Manny was drawn to her because she is from Brazil and, according to Manny, people from Brazil know nothing about baseball.

    When Manny is at home not mowing the lawn, not cleaning gutters or not working with Juliana to build a strong and fortified marriage, Juliana just shrugs and says "that's Manny being Manny."

    Manny and Juliana live in Weston, Florida with theirs sons Manuelito, Manny Jr. and Lucas.

No. 24: Alejandra Tejada-Miguel Tejada

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    Miguel Tejada's wife loved staying in on Saturday nights and enjoying the heavenly lineup of television shows on Nickelodeon known as SNICK.

    How do I know this?

    She owns the orange couch!

    If that isn't enough stone cold evidence to show her television preferences, then my days as a lawyer are numbered.

No. 23: Brad Penny-Karina Smirnoff

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    Brad Penny and Karina Smirnoff became engaged in October last year.

    The couple was introduced by friend Chuck Liddell. I guess when he isn't bashing grown men's faces in, he is playing Cupid.

    But much bigger news is Karina will be featured in this month's issue of Playboy.

No. 22: Krysal Campbell-Ryan Howard

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    Ryan Howard and Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader Krystal Campbell recently became engaged, planning their wedding for 2012.

    The couple included several odd quirks into their ceremony that include getting verbally assaulted by fans as they approach the altar, having the Phillie Phanatic read their vows, and getting pelted with batteries as they leave for their honeymoon.

No. 21: Jennifer Utley-Chase Utley

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    Chase and his wife are passionate animal lovers and hosted their third-annual All-Star Animals Casino Night.

    It raised money for the Pennsylvania Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

    Whenever they walk by Michael Vick in Philadelphia, each party looks down in embarrassment, trying to find something to say to each other. 

No. 20: Jennie Finch-Casey Daigle

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    Casey Daigle and Jennie Finch have been married since 2005.

    They have one son named Ace, who will most likely throw 115 mph and break every pitching record in major league history.

    If you're a professional pitcher, deciding to date and marry the best pitcher in her sport's history is a sure-fire way of being the father of a man with a bionic arm. 

    They are expecting another child this year.

Marilyn Monroe-Joe DiMaggio

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    The marriage may have ended in divorce, but at the time it was the most legendary couple of its generation. It is still remembered to this day.

    I am sure Joe DiMaggio had no clue about the bag of crazy he had on his hands before he married her.

Shannon Schambeau-John Patterson

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    Nationals pitcher John Patterson and Shannon Schambeau have been married since 2007.

    Patterson retired in 2007 after having to have more surgeries than Joan Rivers.

    Patterson now spends his days in the town of Orange, Texas.

    Much like George Bailey in It's A Wonderful Life, he annually runs through the city, yelling at pedestrians about how his wife got fourth runner-up in the 2006 Miss America Pageant.

    That is only assumption, but it is what I would do. 

Alicia Rickter-Mike Piazza

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    Mike Piazza married Rickter in 2005 and the couple have two daughters.

    Much like Jeff Garcia, Piazza ended a rumor about his sexual orientation by marrying a Playboy model.

    Critics are often heard yelling "but he has a fu-manchu and highlighted hair! How can it just be a rumor?!"

Heidi Hamels-Cole Hamels

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    To many, she may just be Cole Hamels' wife and a wearer of borderline inappropriate underwear.

    But to me she is more than that.

    She is Heidi Strobel from Survivor 6: Amazon, stripper for Oreo's and peanut butter and bather in a jungle river.

    My hormones in high school will never forget that pillar challenge for as long as I live.

Laura Posada-Jorge Posada

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    Jorge and Laura married in 2000 and have a son who was diagnosed with craniosynostosis.

    The director of 300 knew something was missing from his movie until he stumbled upon this photograph of Laura.

    That is when he knew that the missing ingredient from his masterpiece was to give his Spartan heroes greased-up abs. 

Stephanie McGwire-Mark McGwire

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    McGwire married former pharmaceutical sales representative Stephanie Slemer in Las Vegas on April 20, 2002. 

    The couple has five children. Along with two sons, they also have triplet girls.

    They live in a gated community, which I assume means that they are shut off from the outside world.

    I hear that there are three snipers along a 50-foot wall and a helicopter hovering above on constant alert.

    Intruders are politely asked to leave the premise.

    They are then given to the count of 10 to leave before they are captured and forced to shag balls for Mark's batting practice.

    Which means they have to chase 600-foot moonshots for the rest of eternity. 

Anna Benson-Kris Benson

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    Kris and Anna married in October of 1999.

    Anna is regarded as one of the craziest women around and has been famous for her opinionated personality.

    Whenever I want to gather my thoughts about PETA, Michael Moore, or how poorly the government handles natural disasters, I make sure I turn to former strippers who were high school dropouts for the most in-depth opinions.

Joanna Garcia-Nick Swisher

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    Garcia and Swisher married on December 11, 2010.

    I have read that she starred in the CW show Reba. I wouldn't know because I watch good television. I would rather watch Lifetime than the CW.

    Garcia's biggest accomplishment in my eyes was playing Samantha in Nickelodeon's Are You Afraid of the Dark.

Lindsay Clubine-Clay Bucholz

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    The couple married in 2009 and the two have a daughter named Colbi Dawn.

    Lindsay was a model that appeared on the show Deal or No Deal.

    Because Lidnsay didn't want to lose her figure, Colbi Dawn wasn't born like most children. Instead, the couple had to select her from several briefcases displayed by several hot models.

    While Lindsay was happy about how the game show turned out for the family, Clay is still haunted by the fact that he didn't pick briefcase No. 2, which held a healthy baby boy.

Jamie Kotsay-Mark Kotsay

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    The married couple has three children.

    And of course, here is the obligatory shot of her playing softball.

    God bless creepy cameramen for sacrificing their integrity for capturing parade-worthy shots.

Emily Kuchar-Zach Grienke

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    Emily Kuchar is a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and Miss Daytona Beach USA 2008.

    Grienke's depression and anxiety have been well-documented.

    But with Kuchar's help, as well as the help of counseling and medication, Grienke has worked to overcome those issues.

    It probably also helped he got the hell out of the baseball wasteland known as Kansas City. Playing losing baseball in Missouri would depress even the most optimistic.

Heidi DeRosa-Mark DeRosa

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    My personal favorite Cubs player of my lifetime (other than Sammy, of course) is married to former model, Heidi Miller.

    The day Mark was traded to the St. Louis Cardinals, I wept and didn't see natural sunlight for 40 days.

    The fact that the main picture of Mark's Wikipedia page is him in a Cardinals jersey is a farce and destroys Wikipedia's trustworthiness forever. 

Jennifer Lopez-Felipe Lopez

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    Felipe has gone on record about how Lifetime movies are good. He has also said that his wife, Jennifer, has gotten him used to them.

    He is right. Lifetime movies are good. Other than featuring bad plots with bad actors that oversimplify complex issues in a woman's favor, they are absolutely delightful.

    It starts with the television Felipe! Once you've lost control of that, your hopes of wearing the pants in the relationship will be gone forever!

    I fear it may be too late...

Derek Jeter-Minka Kelly

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    According to the New York Post, Derek Jeter may have set the date with Esquire's "Sexiest Woman Alive" for November 5, 2011.

    I've already marked the date on my calendar so I can fly out to New York and crash the wedding to convince (beg) her to marry me.

    And she will reply, "I have no clue who you are, but you're right, I am making a terrible mistake. You and me should marry tomorrow."

    And then we will live happily ever after. Just like in the movies. Suck on that, Derek. 

Diana Roberts-Brian Roberts

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    The couple married in January, 2009.

    Roberts was hurt most of the first half of the 2010 season, which meant he probably got to spend more alone time with his wife Diana.

    Meanwhile, I was stuck with no second baseman for half the fantasy baseball season, which led to me breaking several household items as the weeks of losing went on by.

    Selfish move, Brian.

Rachel Reynolds-David Delucci

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    David Dellucci and Rachel Reynolds have been married since March 2010

    Reynolds is a model for the Price is Right and the couple even modeled wedding formal wear for one bid on the show.

    I still kick myself for not faking sick and staying home from work to watch that episode.

    I just hope David got to her before Bob Barker did.

Laura Cover-Aaron Boone

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    By day, Laura Cover is a doting wife of Aaron "Bleeping" Boone and a Playboy model.

    By night, she is an assassin who dives off tall buildings, collects artifacts and stealthily kills unsuspecting members of a kingdom.

    Sometimes Aaron tags along wearing a coonskin cap, just like his great-relative Daniel Boone.

    Because of her chosen attire in this photograph, I may or may not be confusing her night activities with the plot of Assassin's Creed. I get things confused when I don't take my medication.

Lisa Dergan Podsednik-Scott Podsenik

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    Lisa married Scott Podsednik in November 2008.

    Once she inevitably loses her looks like every woman does, the fact that she dated Michael Bay will make me hate her more as the days go on.

    But for now, I could care less she dated one of the worst directors in movie history. 

Rima Fakih-Ricky Romero

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    Ricky Romero is currently dating Miss USA Rima Fakih.

    They may not be engaged or married, but they represent young love at its purest.

    That, and it is always good to have any excuse to have Rima Fakih in a slideshow with hardly any clothes on.