It appears that the once proud Philadelphia Phillie can’t seem to find his head these days...or his clothes, for that matter. The news coming in of Dykstra’s post-retirement exploits makes Charlie Sheen look sane and rational. (They are good friends...clap if you are surprised at all. Clap twice if it’s equally surprising that Dykstra thinks Sheen is A-OK.)
The problem with Dykstra is his exploits are so random and weird that we wonder if they are real at all. Trust me...they are very, very real. So much so that he’s one hyperbolic chamber from Michael Jackson crazy, or one evacuation to an undisclosed region of Canada away from being Randy Quaid crazy.
Or just maybe Dykstra’s already gone there.
Let’s look at some of the smooth moves this lifetime .285 hitter has made since the end of his run as one of the Boys of Summer.
First there were the steroid allegations from the Mitchell Report. Allegedly Dykstra used PEDs to keep that home run average at 10 per season.
You know, when you suck at using steroids, something is seriously wrong with you. Dykstra used PEDs but only hit over .300 twice and never hit more than 19 home runs in a season. That’s like using roller blades to run a marathon and still finishing in four-and-a-half hours. Clearly Dykstra and Jose Canseco were never teammates.
Apparently Dykstra was just as good with his money as he was with allegedly taking 'roids. It turns out our fallen hero made a string of bad investments (with his good judgment it’s shocking, I know) but was destined to right the ship by making the sound decision of filing for bankruptcy and then taking items out of the estate to sell.
I can only imagine how that went in court.
Judge: Mr. Dykstra, you marked items in your bankruptcy filings and then attempted to sell them to a third party while the bankruptcy proceedings were under way. Is that correct?
Dykstra: Yes, your honor, but in fairness, what were the odds that someone was going to want to buy MY sports collectibles? Who do you know that would reasonably pay $35 for a batting helmet I wore the year I belted nine round-trippers?
Dykstra is nothing else if not a ladies' man. Our fair Lenny is a regular creep.
In fairness, not all of this was his fault. I mean, anyone could have allegedly harassed a 17-year-old employee at his car wash. It just so happens Dykstra was mistaken.
This is the same man who asked a prospective new housekeeper to do a trial run of the nude massages he'd require. That's right...he allegedly got down to his birthday suit and asked her to work her magic. Class all the way.
Then, of course, there was the misunderstanding with the old housekeeper.
Allegedly she was forced to give him oral sex on Saturdays.
Now if that was the reality, then it was no laughing matter for either of them.
However, Dykstra, being a man of the people, was asked about the allegations and was quoted by the Los Angeles Times as saying:
If she was assaulted on Saturdays, then I’m a...ballerina dancer on Sundays. This is a maid. That’s not even worth commenting on, are you kidding me?
Apparently the word of common folk, like this maid, doesn’t mean anything to a respectable man who allegedly harasses 17-year-old girls, steals out of his own bankruptcy estate and was a cheater in baseball.
Clearly his word holds more credibility.
First there was the Chapter 11, which, if you read his op-ed piece for the New York Post, wasn’t even necessary. According to Dykstra he never made a bad investment...yet he still filed Chapter 11. Because you always file for bankruptcy when you aren’t bankrupt, right?
Of course, now he’s being charged with embezzling money from his bankruptcy estate, even though he doesn’t need to because all his investments are good.
In the same op-ed piece he alleges the police beat him and mentally assaulted him.
Three things I’ll never believe:
- Dykstra was assaulted by the police
- When a woman tells you she wants total honesty, she actually means it (she doesn’t, I swear).
- That low-fat breakfast food tastes good.
Of course, with Dykstra’s sterling silver résumé I’m sure he’ll land on his feet after all this is over. He can start a new business giving PR advice to B-list former athletes who aren’t getting enough post-retirement attention.
Try buying a stolen car or being accused by your car wash of using racial and homophobic slurs, or even just try to rip off the government and then claim abuse. That’s where you start. People will be talking about you again.
With his case likely to go to trial, there will be plenty more to watch for. Can’t wait to see what he comes up with next.