Boston Red Sox Need Charlie Sheen To Save Their Season

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Boston Red Sox Need Charlie Sheen To Save Their Season
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Carl Crawford has seen the light

The 2011 Boston Red Sox were supposed to bring balance to the Force, not destroy it. Sadly after a 0-5 start, people are beginning to doubt whether or not this team is the powerhouse that ESPN spent all winter screaming about. Luckily it’s only April, there is still a lot of baseball left to be played. The Sox need help though, help that only one man can provide.

Charlie Sheen

That’s right. When you are losing, who better to turn to than a man who knows all about winning? Duh.

Charlie Sheen is bi winning. He wins here and he wins there. Where do the Red Sox win? Currently nowhere.

Critics call Charlie Sheen an addict. Many may doubt an addict’s ability to help a professional ballclub. But all Charlie Sheen is addicted to winning. The Sox seem to have gone cold turkey on winning.

Last time I checked, tiger blood was not on Major League Baseball’s list of banned substances. Even if it was, there won’t be a Mitchell Report to expose the Sox. George Mitchell had the Sox back the last go around, there’s no doubt he’ll turn a blind eye again.

Give Lester some tiger blood and he’ll be throwing no hitters every fifth day. I dare Ian Kinsler to try and swing at Lester’s fastball after he’s got some winning injected into him. The only bombs he’ll be dropping will be f-bombs in the locker room. Duh.

Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images
The chosen one will save the Red Sox

Tiger blood might help Jason Varitek remember the rules of baseball.

You’re either in Charlie Sheen’s corner or you’re with the trolls. Where do the Sox stand right now? 0-5. Looks like they’re with the trolls right now. The Baltimore Orioles are 4-1, looking much more Sheenish than the Sox. Is Red Sox Nation okay with that?

It is not too late for the Sox to get out of the troll’s corner. As Charlie Sheen said, “I’m so tired of pretending my life isn’t perfect and bitching and just winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin’.” I for one am tired of pretending the Red Sox aren’t perfect and winning every game. Enough’s enough.

Let the Red Sox and Charlie Sheen sit at the same dinner table and together embrace and feast on the bones of trolls.

One word can save the Sox and their savior Sheen has been saying it for weeks. Winning.

Duh. 

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