NFL Lockout: Who Would Conspire Against the 2011 Season?

Caleb GarlingCorrespondent IMarch 17, 2011

And we're back
And we're backTom Pennington/Getty Images

I rarely engage in the Guarantee Market, especially this time of year when suddenly everyone’s an expert on college talent even though 25 years of data has shown the Draft is largely a crapshoot.

Somehow everyone turns into George Zimmer and starts guaranteeing everything,  knowing full well that after the 2011 NFL season, a lot of them are going to pretend like all their predictions over the last couple months…never…happened…

What’s that?

Yes, the 2011 NFL season. That is going to happen. I will make that guarantee. We’ll have 16 (not 18) games of football next season and then the playoffs. Life will resume.

By training camp, we’ll be right back where we thought we always would be: getting ready for another season of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. There is too much money—everyone's boss—to miss even one week of advertising revenue.

However, I got to thinking the other day: If it were possible, who would conspire for an NFL lockout?  Who would pull the strings to put a bullet in the 2011 NFL season?

(Cue Wayne’s World-esqe dream sequence.)

Your boss

In 2006, a consultancy reported that businesses lose over a billion dollars per week in productivity due to fantasy football. That amount can only have gone up. Can’t you see a bunch of CEO’s waiting for Roger Goodell outside a negotiating room…

“Hey Roger, got a minute?”

“Sure. I’m on the run though. Gotta give another press conference. Can’t get enough of them.”

“No problem. So we all wanted to let you know that none of us would be that disappointed if you didn’t work this out. We’d see it in our generous hearts to remember that if it didn’t work out, we’d all make sure that you—”

Guys. Let me stop you. The 2011 season is going to happen.”

“I mean, Roger-baby, we’d certainly take note of a friendly gesture and it would not go un—”

“Stop. We’ve actually had an agreement in place for some time now. We’re just milking the press coverage.”

“Oh—well…um…*cough* Tom Brady put the moves on your wife.”

“Good day, gentlemen.”

Baseball and College Football

Ole’ Bill Shakespeare famously wrote, “Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.” These two would definitely see it in their best interest to band together and sabotage the season for the ratings boost…oh wait. Bud Selig is involved. And the NCAA.

If they were outside the negotiation room, waiting on Goodell…

“Hey Roger, got a minute?”

“Sure. I’m on the run though. Gotta give another press conference. Can’t get enough of them.”

“No problem. Hey listen, can we recommend removing the play clock this season? Yeah, it works great in baseball. Pitchers can just roam around the mound like a blind gerbil, while our remaining fans check their phones and worry about traffic. A baseball game should really take less than 90 minutes, but we can often stretch it to well over three hours which boosts…actually, it doesn’t boost anything except insanity, however—”

Guys. Sorry. We’re not interested. Our fans are perfectly happy with us; I'm sure of it.

“Well how about this: Scrap your extremely logical playoff system based on merit and elimination games and have supercomputers decide who plays in the Super Bowl. I hear Watson is a free agent and—”

“Stop. Not interested.”

“The Pro Bowl could decide who wins the Super Bowl coin toss.”

“Good day, gentlemen.”

Antique Stores, Farmers Markets, Bed Bath & Beyond, Home Depot…

Or, should I say, “girlfriends and wives.”

For those of you about to say, “My girlfriend loves football!” let me be the first to say: Hold on tightly.

Otherwise, few groups have more to gain from a free Sunday than the significant others who pace like tigers behind the couch and ask how much time’s left even though it says how much time’s left right on the television.

If they caught up with Goodell…

“Hey Roger, got a minute?”

“Sure. I’m on the run though. Gotta give another press conf—”


Yeah, we’re getting a full 2011 NFL Season…I guarantee it.


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