It may be just a spring training exhibition match, but the opening game of the season could set the tone for the entire year.
That’s why Bleacher Report assembled its crack team of analysts, correspondents, featured columnists, and tea leaf readers to predict precisely what will happen before, during and after the game between the New York Mets and Atlanta Braves on Saturday.
Here are the highlights of their analysis:
Oliver Perez loses his wallet on the way to the park.
It’s discovered lying in the center lane of I-95, creating a six-mile traffic jam.
An audio hookup is established, enabling #1 Mets fan Bernie Madoff, now retired in North Carolina, to sing the national anthem over the PA system.
Madoff forgets the words and goes instead into a heartbreaking rendition of “If I Were a Rich Man.”
A fistfight breaks out at second base between Daniel Murphy and Ruben Tejada, when they are both assigned to the position due to a lineup card malfunction.
Tejada exhibits a surprisingly quick left jab. Murphy is out for the season with a black eye.
The Braves discover that their new gloves, batting helmets and bats are missing, minutes after Fred Wilpon was seen driving away from Digital Domain Park in a U-Haul.
Angel Pagan agrees to cede both center field and right field to Carlos Beltran, while he plays his position from the bleachers.
Former Mets GM Omar Minaya sneaks into the game as a hot-dog vendor.
He blows his cover when he’s not able to make change for a five. “Looks like my math skills have let me down again,” he’s heard murmuring while being led away.
The Mets tryout Trevor Gillies at second, taking advantage of his break from playing forward for the New York Islanders.
His assignment: to beat the crap out of opposing players as they’re rounding the bag, making sure that no one ever gets to third.
(Gillies plans to co-author a book with Sandy Alderson about the strategy. Working title: “Goonie Ball.”)
The Mets announce that they are changing the name of their spring training facility from Digital Domain Park to Server Error Stadium.