Yesterday, while you were stuffing your face with wings, pizza and nachos and talking about, "that really funny commercial where the guy uses Doritos to bring old people back from the dead," there was an actual football game being played.
The Super Bowl. The championship of the National Football League.
While I can go on and on for several paragraphs about how I predicted the score of the game to be Green Bay 31, Pittsburgh 24—11 HOURS BEFORE THE GAME—I will spare you the incessant bragging my friends and family will be subject to for the next few days (read: weeks).
By the way, in case you don't get Internet access under that huge rock, the final score of last night's game was Green Bay 31, Pittsburgh 25. Yeah, I was off by one point. ONE POINT.
I can also go on and on about the fact that the numbers I (and 15 other people) had in my Super Bowl pool were 5-and-5 and 1-and-4, meaning Mike Tomlin's decision to go for a now meaningless two-point conversion after Pittsburgh's final touchdown not only prevented me from going Nostradamus on the final score, but it ALSO prevented me from raking in some cash (fake money, of course).
Then again, Green Bay's failure to score one last touchdown and make the final score 35-25 also provided the same fate.
Since, I already lied to you and rambled for multiple paragraphs about what bets I lost and how I almost predicted the final score, I'll get to the main point of this: my official Winners and Losers of Super Bowl XLV.
- The Green Bay Packers. While this is obvious, it needs to be said. Yesterday, they became only the second sixth-seed to win a Super Bowl in NFL history, and they did it the hard way, going through Philadelphia, Atlanta and Chicago—all on the road—before reaching North Texas. They silenced the doubters and did what no other team has been able to do thus far—beat Ben Roethlisberger in the Super Bowl.
- Aaron Rodgers. He finally got the monkey (that monkey is Brett Favre, by the way) off of his back and picked up a Super Bowl MVP in the process—something Favre never did.
- Jordy Nelson. Talk about a big-time performance on the game's biggest stage. Nine catches for 140 yards and one touchdown. Somewhere, Wes Welker is shaking his fists at the television, in danger of losing his throne as the Most Relevant White Wide Receiver.
- Doritos and Pepsi. They had arguably the funniest commercials of the night. If you missed any of them, that's what YouTube is for.
- The 400 people who were kicked out of the Super Bowl because there weren't enough seats. In case you didn't hear this story, the fire marshal ended up removing a large number of temporary seats before kick-off. Most of the fans with these tickets were relocated to seats that were comparable or better than their original seats, but 400 fans could not be accommodated and were forced to leave the stadium and watch the game from outside. So you might be asking, "Well how exactly are these people winners? They paid for Super Bowl tickets, and then got kicked out of the stadium." Well, it's because after the game ended, NFL officials fearing massive PR backlash, granted the 400 displaced fans on-field access for the postgame ceremony, gave them free food, drinks and merchandise, reimbursed them for TRIPLE the amount of money their tickets were worth (around $2,400) AND gave them free tickets for next year's Super Bowl. Is that a fair trade? Yeah, I'd say so.
- James Starks. He wasn't called upon a whole lot yesterday (the Packers only ran the ball 11 times all game), but when he was, he came up big and did enough to open the passing lanes for Rodgers. Most importantly, he has made a name for himself since the postseason began and may become legitimate competition for Ryan Grant and the starting job once Grant returns from injury next season (assuming there is a next season).
- Jerry Jones' hopes of ever hosting another Super Bowl in Dallas. Between the whole fiasco of not having enough seats to accommodate fans who paid thousands of dollars for their tickets and the winter storm that plowed through Dallas last week making travel difficult and putting a damper on the Super Bowl week festivities, you can rest assured the NFL is a little more than fed up with Dallas. The stadium is nice though! Oh, and by the way, who else is going to have fun at the 2014 Super Bowl at New Meadowlands Stadium with a wind chill of eight degrees? I WILL!
- Humanity. I don't know how many of you caught this last night, but there was a Chevy Cruze commercial that advertised live, real-time Facebook news feed updates that can be streamed directly to your car. So you can check your Facebook while you're driving! I have never been more embarrassed for my generation than I was at the moment I saw that commercial. This is the beginning of the end.
- Anyone who watched the halftime show. As my brother said about halfway through the first song, "I don't even think the Black Eyed Peas like the Black Eyed Peas." That about sums it up. It was painful to watch and having to listen to Fergie do her best Axl Rose impression by taking a crack at a cover of "Sweet Child of Mine" with Slash, was the cherry on top. Next year, can we go back to having geriatric rock bands who make good music and don't dress like Buzz Lightyear?
- Brett Favre. Wow, what a rough year for Brett. It began last January, when he was picked off in overtime of the NFC Championship game against New Orleans, costing Minnesota a trip to the Super Bowl. Then it all began to snowball. He was dragged back to Minneapolis by Brad Childress for one last season. Then the Vikings fell flat out of the gate, Childress was fired, Brett flushed his reputation completely down the toilet with the Jenn Sterger saga, his streak ended, his hand turned purple and then, as if all that wasn't bad enough, he had to watch the guy who took his place in Green Bay win a Super Bowl title and a MVP. That's a pretty bad year by anyone's standards.
Well, that's all I can think of for right now. If you have any other winners and losers from last night's game I didn't mention, feel free to leave a comment below.