Super Bowl 2011: Battle of the Hair

Jason CashContributor IFebruary 2, 2011

Super Bowl 2011: Battle of the Hair

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    PITTSBURGH, PA - JANUARY 15:  Safety Troy Polamalu #43 of the Pittsburgh Steelers looks on during the AFC Divisional Playoff Game against the Baltimore Ravens at Heinz Field on January 15, 2011 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty
    Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

    The quality of players' hair seems to have usurped players' talent as the hot topic leading up to this weekend's Super Bowl.  

    The media seems to be obsessed with the hair of two men: Clay Matthews and Troy Polamalu.  I figured it was time to compare the hair and, once and for all, declare a winner.  It was a rigorous process and I've spent the last week, night after sleepless night, going over all of the details.  

    I truly believe the outcome of my research will help return the media's attention back to what's really most important: uniform colors.

Length

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    PITTSBURGH, PA - JANUARY 23:  Mark Sanchez #6 of the New York Jets leaves the field as Troy Polamalu #43 of the Pittsburgh Steelers looks on after the Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the New York Jets 24 to 19 in their 2011 AFC Championship game at Heinz Fie
    Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

    Winner:  Troy Polamalu

    Polamalu's mane falls to about midway down the numbers on the back of his jersey, while Matthews' seems to be a few inches shorter.  The important thing to consider here is that Polamalu's hair is naturally curly and would likely be a solid four or five inches longer if straightened.

Manageability

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    ARLINGTON, TX - FEBRUARY 01:  Clay Matthews #52 of the Green Bay Packers speaks during Super Bowl XLV Media Day ahead of Super Bowl XLV at Cowboys Stadium on February 1, 2011 in Arlington, Texas. The Pittsburgh Steelers will play the Green Bay Packers in
    Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

    Winner: Clay Matthews

    Polamalu has a "mane" while Clay Matthews has "long hair."  Matthews' hair looks easier to maintain and easier to manage, whether it be down and flowing or pulled back tight.  Polamalu's looks bird nest-ian nine times out of 10.

Intimidation

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    NEW ORLEANS, LA - OCTOBER 31: Jeremy Shockey #88 of the New Orleans Saints is tackled by Troy Polamalu #43 of the Pittsburgh Steelers at the Louisiana Superdome on October 31, 2010 in New Orleans, Louisiana. (Photo by Matthew Sharpe/Getty Images)
    Matthew Sharpe/Getty Images

    Winner: Troy Polamalu

    Don't tell him I said this, but Clay Matthews' hair is somewhat "Princess-like." 

    Now, don't get me wrong; the guy is a monster on the field.  I'm just saying, when was the last time you saw flowing, blond, locks and were intimidated?  

    Troy Polamalu on the other hand, looks like a wild animal on the field.  His hair almost seems to blend into his black helmet to form some kind of bone-crushing, war-time headdress.

Body

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    PITTSBURGH - SEPTEMBER 12:  Jason Snelling #44 of the Atlanta Falcons runs with the ball in front of Troy Polamalu #43 of the Pittsburgh Steelers during the NFL season opener game on September 12, 2010 at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  (Photo b
    Jared Wickerham/Getty Images

    Winner:  Troy Polamalu

    This was a no-brainer.  Clay Matthews' hair hangs like spaghetti while Troy Polamalu's hair bounces and looks like cotton candy.

    Horrible, hairy, cotton candy...

And The Winner Is...

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    ARLINGTON, TX - FEBRUARY 01:  Brett Keisel #99 of the Pittsburgh Steelers answers questions during Super Bowl XLV Media Day ahead of Super Bowl XLV at Cowboys Stadium on February 1, 2011 in Arlington, Texas. The Pittsburgh Steelers will play the Green Bay
    Scott Halleran/Getty Images

    Winner:  Brett Keisel's beard

    You're not going to argue this, are you?  We've all seen long hair.  Polamalu's is fun and bouncy while Clay Matthews' is flowing and majestic.  Boring.  

    Brett Keisel's beard is the kind of beard that would give other beards wedgies in middle school.  Brett Keisel's beard would pick your daughter up on his motorcycle and not bring her back until the next morning.  Brett Keisel's beard makes other beards "Fear the Beard." 

    I'd say this contest was a no-contest.