Super Bowl 2011: Battle of the Hair

Jason CashContributor IFebruary 2, 2011

Super Bowl 2011: Battle of the Hair

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    Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

    The quality of players' hair seems to have usurped players' talent as the hot topic leading up to this weekend's Super Bowl.  

    The media seems to be obsessed with the hair of two men: Clay Matthews and Troy Polamalu.  I figured it was time to compare the hair and, once and for all, declare a winner.  It was a rigorous process and I've spent the last week, night after sleepless night, going over all of the details.  

    I truly believe the outcome of my research will help return the media's attention back to what's really most important: uniform colors.

Length

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    Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

    Winner:  Troy Polamalu

     

    Polamalu's mane falls to about midway down the numbers on the back of his jersey, while Matthews' seems to be a few inches shorter.  The important thing to consider here is that Polamalu's hair is naturally curly and would likely be a solid four or five inches longer if straightened.

Manageability

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    Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

    Winner: Clay Matthews

     

    Polamalu has a "mane" while Clay Matthews has "long hair."  Matthews' hair looks easier to maintain and easier to manage, whether it be down and flowing or pulled back tight.  Polamalu's looks bird nest-ian nine times out of 10.

Intimidation

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    Matthew Sharpe/Getty Images

    Winner: Troy Polamalu

     

    Don't tell him I said this, but Clay Matthews' hair is somewhat "Princess-like." 

    Now, don't get me wrong; the guy is a monster on the field.  I'm just saying, when was the last time you saw flowing, blond, locks and were intimidated?  

    Troy Polamalu on the other hand, looks like a wild animal on the field.  His hair almost seems to blend into his black helmet to form some kind of bone-crushing, war-time headdress.

Body

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    Jared Wickerham/Getty Images

    Winner:  Troy Polamalu

     

    This was a no-brainer.  Clay Matthews' hair hangs like spaghetti while Troy Polamalu's hair bounces and looks like cotton candy.

    Horrible, hairy, cotton candy...

And The Winner Is...

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    Scott Halleran/Getty Images

    Winner:  Brett Keisel's beard

     

    You're not going to argue this, are you?  We've all seen long hair.  Polamalu's is fun and bouncy while Clay Matthews' is flowing and majestic.  Boring.  

    Brett Keisel's beard is the kind of beard that would give other beards wedgies in middle school.  Brett Keisel's beard would pick your daughter up on his motorcycle and not bring her back until the next morning.  Brett Keisel's beard makes other beards "Fear the Beard." 

    I'd say this contest was a no-contest.