Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
NY Jets @ New England (-9)
The Jets won 17-16 in Indianapolis last week, avenging last year's AFC Championship Game loss and setting up a third battle with AFC East rival and top-seeded New England. Nick Folk's 32-yard field goal as time expired won it for New York, trumping Adam Vinatieri's 50-yard kick less than a minute earlier.
"I said earlier it was 'personal' against the Colts," said Rex Ryan. "I was wrong. Actually, it was 'personnel.' Thanks to head coach Jim Caldwell for calling a timeout with 29 seconds left, which helped make Nick Folk's game-winning field goal attempt a 32-yarder instead of a 50-yarder. That was likely the difference in saying 'Oh, Folk!' and something else. I'm amazed that Caldwell 'dropped the ball,' as opposed to Braylon Edwards.
"It won't be easy returning to Gillette Stadium, site of our worst defeat this season. If we have any fear, we need to overcome it. All I can do is tell my guys to take a deep breath, relax and then make sure I tell them to 'exhale,' and not 'blow out.'"
The Patriots begin the quest for their fourth Super Bowl win against a Jets team they whipped 45-3 in early December. A playoff win over New York won't come as easily, so Bill Belichick has the Patriots focused and taking nothing for granted.
"The great thing about preparing for a division opponent," said Belichick, "is that you have lots of film to view. Whether being filmed with their knowledge or not, the Jets always make good subjects. Let me tell you, we've watched more Jets film in the last two weeks than ever before. In fact, we're experiencing information overload, which is, as one would expect, a byproduct of viewing Rex and Mrs. Ryan's infamous 'foot fetish' videos. It's what you would call a 'sur-feet' of information. When the Ryans really want to get freaky, they call in the 'podiatrix.'
"And speaking of 'foot fetishes,' we won't be sucked into a war of words with Ryan and the Jets. To be fair, 'trash talk' is the lone aspect of the matchup in which everyone can agree the Jets have the edge. They're the best at 'verbal sparring,' just as Santonio Holmes was best at 'herbal sparring' on his street corner in Belle Glade, Florida. Let's be clear: we plan to go 'toe to toe' with the Jets only in a figurative sense.
"Ryan's boisterous bravado is just a ploy to take the pressure off of Mark Sanchez, whose passer rating often hovers around the temperature. But I'm on to Rex's game. In reality, Rex has placed all the pressure on Sanchez. Ryan's challenged Sanchez to beat the Patriots. We're taking it one step further. We're going to dare Sanchez to beat us."
Brady comes out firing, targeting his new nemesis Antonio Cromartie on three straight passes, all completions, two to Deion Branch, and one directly to Cromartie's crotch, where the magic happens. Stocks in companies that provide paternity tests plummet the following day. Brady, in fact, has been called worse than "a-hole," mostly by Bridget Moynahan, and it didn't bother him then. As Brady passes Cromartie heading to the bench, he calmly and politely tells the Jet that "ring" is a four-letter word.
Brady hits Aaron Hernandez for an 11-yard touchdown strike, staking the Patriots to a lead they never relinquish. As the clock winds down, the Gillette Stadium pays tribute to a soon-to-be dated NFL rule, and one that made their dynasty possible, when they chant "We Will, We Will, Tuck You!"
New England wins, 27-14.