Bill Simmons often likes to joke around about what he would do if he were granted the General Manager position of an NBA team. Well, I would like to delve into this a little further. What would I do if I were the owner of my beloved Browns? While I have to admit that I like the direction the team is going, there is something missing in the “new” Cleveland Browns Stadium. I think that while we all can admit that old Muni was a decrepit nightmare, it never lacked for charisma. It had an ambiance to it that maybe us Browns fans could only see. From the smell, to the narrow ass seats, to the troughs to piss in, it was home. And it was home to some fabulous memories.
1. Lower the damn Dawg Pound to 2 feet above field level and throw up a blue chain link fence for gods sake. The dawg pound didn’t become infamous because the fans had a nice birds eye view from 8 feet up. Put the die hards as close to the field as possible. I just don’t get the reasoning, lets take a section and specially design it for the best fans in the world, then thats enclose them behind a wall that sits 8 feet high. WTF.....
2. Quit naming the ddawg pound the dawg pound. We know what it is and why it exists. Hanford Dixon and Frank Minnifield can tell anyone who asks the origin of the dawg pound if they don’t know. We don’t need huge dawg caricatures on the stadium to let us know where the dawg pound is. The idea itself loses some of its luster when we have to keep reminding everyone that the dawg pound exists.
Help keep kids off the streets. I would build a baseball infield dead center (or redzone) of the field and allow all neighborhood kids to play on it every Saturday. This idea is two fold, 1) intercity kids have forgotten baseball still exists 2) has there ever been a better home field advantage than a baseball diamond in the middle of a football field? Honestly, like what.... maybe 2 west coast teams still have this. The Browns could prepare for this element. But, would James Harrison have the same explosion on sticky clay once a year? Would Big Ben have to mentally prepare for this instead of getting 17 year olds liquored up on Pucker the night before a game? Food for thought....
.Quit the tattle texting. What the hell, it’s a damn football game. Just the name itself is annoying, Tattle texting. Look, I’m probably gonna be drunk and pissed if the Browns play like hell. The ticket is costing me a day of wages, I have to go out of my way to find a sober friend to drive me, beer is insanely expensive, Im gonna be a wreck at work on Monday, etc… Damn if I wanna yell someone F’n blows I feel it is well within right. Earmuffs kids.
Allow signs. Now I have seen more and more as of late, and I don’t know if they are just giving up on enforcing this or things have changed. Note that the Q allows signs and they might cater to the most white collar crowd around. I love Cavs games and I don’t mean that disparagingly, but most of the seats are sold to corporations. If these people. who are given tickets, can come up with creative signs, imagine the people like myself who circle the day on their calender for the 1 or 2 games they can afford can do? I like to think my drunk brethren can destroy the psyche of Tom Brady by forming some conclusion(signs) that he is dating Ryan Seacrest. (not that there is something wrong with that.....it would just cause someone to lose focus.....right?)
. I wanna pee in the sombrero…… it’s a right of passage.
Look... my uncle (god rest his soul) said there was a sombrero that dawg pounders passed around to pee in and it emptied out on the field somewhere. It is basically the culmination of everything that I would ever wanna do in my life; be in the dawg poung, drinking, around fellow browns fans, and peeing without any indiscrection.
If somehow you know this is not true, i ask you to keep it to yourself and let me have my dreams.