Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Pittsburgh @ Miami (+3)
Ben Roethlisberger's triumphant return to the Steelers was a rousing success, as the formerly-suspended signal-caller threw for 257 yards and three touchdowns, overshadowing signs of rust with displays of brilliance.
Pittsburgh, now 4-1 and atop the AFC North, heads to Miami to face the 3-2 Dolphins.
"I claim to be a changed man," Roethlisberger said, "but apparently I'm back to being my old self. If I truly am a changed man, then that means my right arm isn't the only part of me that's 'rusty.'
"With three touchdown passes, I single-handedly doubled our TD pass output. That's called 'multiplication.' James Harrison, on the other hand, specializes in 'subtraction.' He KO'ed two Cleveland players last Sunday with head butts that surely made Andre the Giant spin in his grave. There haven't been any 'blackouts' at Heinz Field lately, but last week, we saw two 'Brown-outs.'"
Miami won in Green Bay last week, 23-20 in overtime, improving their record to 2-0 against teams currently or formerly quarterbacked by Brett Favre. The 'Fins will have to execute in all phases to beat the Steelers and their aggressive defense and improving offense.
"I'll have this team ready for the Steelers," said Tony Sparano. "The question is, will this city be ready for them? We're winless at home, and that has to change. We'll need this city to give it's all, and that includes the fans at the game, the people watching at home, as well as the people that keep this city moving. But mostly, we'll need the owners of Miami's world class nightclubs to do their part, and promote Sunday as 'Ladies' Lock-up,' in honor of Roethlisberger."
Harrison, who entertained the silly and selfish notion of retirement, is mercilessly booed by the Dolphins Stadium fans. Luckily, he "comes out of it" and plays like a man possessed.
Roethlisberger gets an earful from the Miami faithful, but, like the word "no," it goes in one ear hole and out the other.
Steelers win, 20-13.