Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Cincinnati @ Cleveland (+3)
The 2-1 Bengals bring their brand of grind-it-out football to Cleveland Browns Stadium, home of the Dawg Pound, where spaying and neutering is a fate sure to be bestowed.
The Bengals boast an offensive lineup that includes weapons such as Carson Palmer, Chad Ochocinco, Terrell Owens, and Cedric Benson. Surprisingly, though, Cincy often struggles to score, averaging slightly less than 20 points per game.
“That’s what you call an offensive jugger-naught,” said Marvin Lewis. “Our ‘Batman And Robin’ receiving duo of Owens and Ochocinco, who, incidentally, are super friends, don't carry a whole lot of touchdowns in their utility belts. If you need a sound bite, however, they’ve got plenty.
“But offense is not our game; we’ve got loads of confidence in our defense, and they’ve got loads of confidence in themselves. Which isn’t surprising—they practice against our offense.”
The Browns are still winless, with three losses by a total of 12 points. A win over their hated in-state rival would assuage some of the pain of losing.
“‘Assuage?’” says defensive tackle Shaun Rogers, who has two tackles of the opposition this year, which is one more than airport security has on him in that same period. “That sounds like an option at a massage parlor, a place much like an airport in the fact that they’ll also ask, ‘Is that a pistol in your pocket?’”
Rogers and the Browns defense stifle the Bengals offense, and emerging fantasy force Peyton Hillis, football’s “Gerry Cooney,” grinds for 90 yards and a touchdown.
Browns win 22-21.
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