Ten Fantasy Football Rules To Live By

        I.            UNDERSTAND YOUR LEAGUE RULES You need to know what you’re getting into.  What’s your league’s scoring system?  How many teams are there?  How many RBs do you start every week?  What about WRs?  Huh?  ANSWER ME!!  Sorry.

      II.            DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND BE PREPARED FOR YOUR DRAFT Don’t be the guy who shows up to the draft with bloodshot eyes, smelling like cotton candy perfume and cheap cigarettes.  Take the weekend off from partying and read up on your potential draft picks.  It’s only one day.

    III.            ALWAYS DRAFT THE BEST AVAILABLE PLAYER A lot of fantasy owner go into drafts thinking something like “I need to go running back, receiver, running back, receiver, quarterback, flex, tight end.”  When your best bet is to draft the best available starting lineup you can.  In other words, if you’re an owner picking late in the first round, don’t pass on Andre Johnson to draft Beanie Wells just because you’re determined to take a running back.

    IV.            AT LEAST GIVE PPR A TRY Playing in a league that gives additional points for catches is the only way to level the playing field.  The best receiver in the league shouldn’t be outscored by the fifteenth best running back.  The old standard scoring system is flawed and outdated.  So take the T-tops off of your Trans-am, wipe off your Oakley Razorblades, turn you Motley Crue tape to side two, and step into the twenty first century.

      V.            YOU’RE NOT A FAN ON DRAFT DAY; YOU’RE AN OWNER It’s crucial to your fantasy success to draft with your head, not your heart.  Hey, who doesn’t love the Titans?  But that doesn’t mean you want to roll with Vince Young as your starting quarterback.  As a matter of fact, you probably shouldn’t have him as your backup either.  It’s not necessary to own the guy whose jersey you’re sporting.

    VI.            DON’T DRAFT LEE EVANS.  SERIOUSLY Fantasy fun fact: No one has ever won a fantasy football championship with Lee Evans on their roster.  Every year you say to yourself “Kevin, Lee Evans may be decent this year.”  No Kevin, no he won’t.

  VII.            ALWAYS START YOUR STUDS REGARDLESS OF MATCHUP Even if the Seahawks are playing the Rams, don’t put Ray Rice on your bench and start Justin Forsett just because Baltimore goes up against Pittsburgh’s D.  You spent your top draft picks on these guys for a reason.  Don’t get burned by leaving them on your bench

VIII.            DON’T BE AFRAID TO PLAY A LITTLE DIRTY We’re all adults here.  Everybody knows we’re all playing to win our league’s title and collect that mone…I mean, get those gift certificates to our favorite book store.  That’s legal right?  Anyway, whatever you’re playing for, go ahead and get a little greasy.  Give out some bad advice, con dumber owners into bad trades, put laxatives in your friend’s beer at the draft, and maybe hit someone, whatever.  You need to do all that you can to win.  You’d better, because I promise you someone else in your league will.

    IX.            ALWAYS HANDCUFF YOUR STARTING RUNNING BACKS There’s nothing worse than having your number one running back go down mid season, while you’re stuck trying to scrape together whatever scraps your league has left for you in the free agent pool.  If you have your guy’s backup, you may not have the same level of player, but he’ll be better than T.J. Duckett.

      X.            GLOAT AFTER YOU WIN It’s important to take every opportunity to rub it in your friend’s faces after you win.  Always remember to take cheap, personal shots at your clearly less intelligent buddies.  It’s perfectly acceptable to cross the line and put a temporary strain on your friendship.  That’s what they get for being so stupid after all.