Oakland Raiders Stay The Course: Satire

Joseph DorrellContributor IAugust 24, 2010

OAKLAND, CA - SEPTEMBER 14:  A mini biker helmet with a Oakland Raiders logo is seen on the handle bar of a motorcycle in the parking lot outside Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum prior to the Raiders playing against the San Diego Chargers against the Oakland Raiders on September 14, 2009 at the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum in Oakland, California.  (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)
Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

The Autumn Wind still sails proudly! Our 50 gun flagship is under the control of REAL pirates who have been fighting the likes of the English (Kansas City), the French (Denver), and the Spanish (San Diego) for almost 50 seasons now. We Raiders haven’t faired well recently. The tides are turning! The wind is blowing! WE SMELL GOLD!


“Capn’ Cable! They be gaining Capn’, they’ll overtake us soon”! Damn those scurvy dogs, the thought of us collecting our booty without them is really makin’ them pee down their legs into their boots!  “Where be me 1st mate Rolando”?  “Here Capn’ Cable”. “Rolando, get our defensive line in position, and give Richard and Lamarr those clubs they were askin for”. It’s always scared me to give those two weapons but it looks like today is th’ day we be needin them. “Kamerion, go below an help Tyvon an th’ rest of the secondary loading th’ guns. Rolando, who be in the crows nest”?  Mike Mitchell Capn’”. Good, he wont let them sneak up on us, he’d die first. ” Now slow down.” “Capn’”? “You heard me order Rolando, pull in the sails”. “Aye Capn’”. “Mitchell, have they run up their colors yet”?  “They be doing it now Capn’, it’s not the French nor the English, I think it be… ESPN Capn’, I think they mean to board us sir”!  Board us? ESPN? HA! That’ll be the day, I’ll sink her meself before I let that happen. “Do they know who we be? Run up the Jolly Roger men, let’s show em who they be chasing. The Autumn Wind will NEVER be taken! Nnamdi, you hold down th’ starboard side of th’ ship by yourself, and will someone wake up Seabass, I want him and Lechler on th’ ready with th’ “BIG” gun, just in case”!


 “Capn’, ESPN is sending us a message, it reads”…..


[Please wait Raider Nation, we believe in you now and would like to help spread the word on how you are “BACK” and we would like to share in your success! We have many “pirates” inquiring as to where your next port-of-call might be so they may join the Raider Nation in collecting the spoils of the havoc we believe you are about to unleash on the rest of the NFL]




Do they really think, after 7 treasure-less seasons, they can just pull th’ gear from their bags, declare their “Commitment to Excellence”, an that they be Raiders again? There is no room on th’ Autumn Wind for bandwagon buccaneers, they all die!Jason, get your offense ready to attack vertically, we’ll send in Robert an that new freak Bruce to pound on em, when they bring up reinforcements from below we’ll flank em with Louis and Darrius!  Darren and Michael, you two can stomp on whatever be leftover”. “What about Zach Capn’”? “Jason, you know Zach be our secret weapon, keep th’ Kraken locked in the brig, we can’t unleash him yet, that’s just not right”!  Poseidon himself fears his skills.  Rolando, bring her about to port and ready th’ guns, ALL OF EM!  Jason, tell yer men, a night with th’ Raiderettes for whoever brings me Cris Carter, Tom Jackson, or Adam Schefter ALIVE!  Admiral Al has special plans for those 3 bilge rats”.


“Capn’, they be lowerin their colors and turning away, should we circle and pursue”?


Cowards, as much as I’d like to bleed a few ESPN analysts and feed em to the sharks….

“No Rolando, back to our original course and heading, th’ weight of th’ treasure at th’ end of this voyage greatly outweighs any revenge we would feel today. We still have 2 battles each with France and England.  They be out gunned, and out manned this season, they pose no threat to us.  The Spanish however, they have big guns too, and ALL th’ gold. Our gold Rolando. Lets go get our gold back”.


“Aye Capn’”