I knew the team was bad, but this is a new low.
Attempting to draw a crowd by constructing 10-foot tall monstrosities that would make Frankenstein look cuddly.
I get the trying-to-relate-to-kids theme, but how is giving children nightmares going to bring them back to the ballpark?
The mascots look like Sloth from The Goonies , and personally, I don't want to have to bring a Baby Ruth candy bar every time I go see a D-Backs game.
A message to the rest of Major League Baseball: Don't try to emulate Milwaukee's magic, it's one of a kind.
Anyway, I digress. Here are my odds for the race if each player was actually running.
Randy Johnson: 7-1
After seeing The Big Unit hit a gapper on a few occasions to only end up with a single, it's hard to give Johnson much of a shot.
Anybody else remember when he fell down in between first and second base?
Being eight feet tall ain't easy.
Luis Gonzalez: 30-1
Hailed as the greatest sports figure in D-Backs history (thanks for the World Series win Gonzo!), I still wonder why his name never came up in the steroids talk.
Guy hit 57 home runs in 2001, and then never broke 30 ever again.
That's a little too shady for my liking, I got Gonzalez breaking down halfway through the race.
Mark Grace: 25-1
Despite only playing three years in the desert, Grace has become a household name in the valley for his work on the broadcast side of the business.
The first baseman won't even finish the race, he'll be too busy trying to do the play-by-play and yelling "CAR!."
Matt Williams: 2-1
An original Arizona Diamondback, Williams is often lost in the shuffle when talking about the club's early origins.
The third baseman ranks among D-Backs' players in home runs (99, fourth), RBI (381, third), and total bases (1,067, third).
Retired after the 2003 season, Williams returned to the organization in 2009 as a base coach.
The old man wins going away by eight lengths.