Thanks to CF Aaron Rowand's limp performance lately, his frustrated girlfriend, Sweetie Rowanda, threw his clothes on the lawn and screamed: "I mean it this time, don't come back!"
The shrill scream could be heard all over the city, and caused some chaos at local pounds due to the patron's sensitive hearing.
But after a two out clutch double to center field in the 5th inning of Wed night's win vs. the Rockies, Sweetie melted like ice cream on a hot summer day.
Rowands friends told him, "Don't take her back. She'll just abuse you again!"
But he's a softie and can't deny his love for her.
Even after they reminded him that she's always impulsively throwing every minor thing in his face, he didn't budge.
He insisted, "She loves me. We're destined to be together. Nothing can keep us apart."
At which point, his buddies showed him the pictures of when he was beaned in the face with a fastball.
After enduring such incredible pain for her, they don't understand how she could keep turning on him. They asked, "What kind of wretched bi#@* would do that?"
With three broken bones in his face, Rowand put off surgery and expedited his return to the team.
To clarify: he took a 90 mph fastball to the face, missed two weeks, then came back and raked.
During that time, Sweetie got all the love she could ever want. His first seven games back: .348 BA, 11 RBIs, 3 HRs, 6 Rs. Yet she never thanked him once.
Rowand's father, Mr. Botchy, wonders: if going Thor with a broken face doesn't get you the benefit of the doubt for the season, what exactly does?
On this reunion evening, Rowand brought Sweetie two dozen roses, delivering a victory with one swing of the bat. He proclaims she could never be a wretched bi#@*.
Who knows for sure what Sweetie was going through. Perhaps she was experiencing her monthly cramps.
In the final analysis, the Rowand-Sweetie relationship is a strange and dysfunctional one, a kind of forced marriage centered on hyper expectations, psychological pressure, millions of dollars, the 24 minute news cycle, and the everyday ups and downs of life under the microscope.
As of now, Sweetie has come back into the loving arms of Rowand. For exactly how long is anyone's guess.
According to Vegas odds makers, however, the over under currently sits at nine days, or about the same time Bella takes to change her mind from Jacob to Edward.
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