NFL Power Rankings Week 10: Comparing Teams to Board Games

Roll the dice...spin the spinner...flip a coin.

Who doesn't love board games?! How much revelry, enjoyment, mirth, and gladness depend on the chance of landing on Boardwalk, landing on the tallest ladder, or managing to grab the "q" and the "u" in an intense game of Scrabble?

Our favorite board games depend on the slightest of chances, and, at times, so does our favorite sport.

The roll of a punt...the direction of the wind...the flip of a coin.

In my last NFL power rankings article, I compared each NFL team to a Halloween candy. This week, each team gets another off-the-wall comparison: board games.

32. Cleveland Browns—Mastermind

Irony my friends, irony.

Mastermind was a game created by geniuses from an Israeli university. Its popularity is a complete mystery to many who have no idea what the hell is going on when other people talk about it.

If you've never played the game, don't worry about it. It's the sort of thing that men in tweed jackets teach their children right before they go diddle the underpaid nanny.

Man-Genius also is too smart for the rest of the league. He's so smart that he's actually created a new system for measuring success far beyond wins and losses. Eric Mangini is doing things his way in a way Frank Sinatra never could have dreamed.

His quarterback, Derek Anderson, is the 33rd ranked passer in a league with 32 teams. His running back, Jamal Lewis, is ranked 31st. Better yet, this defensive guru is mentoring the league's worst unit.

He's a mastermind. You just don't understand.

31. Detroit Lions—Trivial Persuit

This isn't a ranking of board games. If it were, this game would be toward the top for a writer who has so much useless trivia packed inside his head he is mostly useless to the rest of humanity.

This is a ranking of football teams, and the Detroit Lions suck.

The men in Honolulu Blue have pursued a lot of uselessness in the past and fans are worried they are doing the same in 2009.

Trivial Pursuit is a piece of Americana but it probably achieved its greatest relevance in 1992 when George Costanza played it with the Bubble Boy in an episode of Seinfeld.

What a coincidence, George and Bubble Boy were just signed by Detroit on waivers.

30. St. Louis Rams—SORRY!

Ever watch two small children play SORRY!?

A child can be terrible at strategy, high-level reasoning, and planning and still take delight in the misfortune of another simply by making his or her pieces go back to square one.

The Rams stink but got their first win of the season by stomping on the Detroit Lions—one of the few teams that stinks just as bad as they do.

And, much like a game of SORRY!, watching a Rams' game seems like an eternity.

29. Kansas City Chiefs—Battleship

The Chiefs are floating along like all the other horrific teams in the NFL this year. However, what sets them apart is that Kansas City just took a huge hit to its ship's hull.

Larry Johnson may not have had both oars in the water but he was still considered an anchor of the Chiefs' offense.

Now, the ship which was once sinking has been pretty much obliterated.

Now, it should be noted that Johnson isn't exactly a huge loss for the Chiefs. Yet, should anyone really expect the coaches who rode his 2.7 yards per carry to right the ship?

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers—Girl Talk

"Girl Talk" was an 80's board game which basically was a Truth or Dare knockoff meant for little girls. The winner of the game got a sneak peek at their future by selecting a "fortune card" as a reward.

The truth about the Buccaneers is that you shouldn't dare think that their success is anything more than short lived.

But the Buccaneers won this week so here's their fortune.

There are 31 teams in the NFL better at protecting their quarterback than the Green Bay Packers; the Buccaneers can't expect to have games like that very often.

Another reason the Bucs are "Girl Talk?" Because they finally win a game and people only want to talk about the wardrobe.

27. Oakland Raiders—Mousetrap

No, sports fans, that isn't a photo of a defensive lineman after a lucky interception. That is a quarterback who needs to learn the importance of mastering the playbook as much has he's mastered the McDonald's Dollar Menu.

The Oakland Raiders have been built on speed. By speed, I mean both that 40-times have always meant more to Al Davis than game tape, and also the name of the controlled substance his scouting department must ingest daily.

The foundational pieces of the Raiders couldn't be much worse.

Mousetrap, a popular children's board game, is built even worse. The over/under on the amount of games that can be played before a tiny plastic piece snaps—rendering the game completely useless—is about 10.

Ten is also the over/under projection for completions each game by Russell.

26. Washington Redskins—Mall Madness

When your older sister made you play Mall Madness with her, the object was to shop for useless things on your list and pray to the economic gods that you weren't getting screwed by artificial price gouging.

Pretty much the same thing that happens when your wife makes you go to the real mall.

On Dan Snyder's ever-changing list? Portis, Haynesworth, Randle El, Santana Moss, Deangelo Hall, and others. Each time, Snyder hasn't cared once about the price of the purchase, he's just shelled out cash.

Now, it's the fans who are heading for the parking lot.

25. Tennessee Titans—Jenga

The Titans aren't as much a game of Jenga as they are an already-lost game of Jenga.

In 2008, the Tennessee Titans went 13-3 on a precarious arrangement of defensive talent and a surprise offense featuring a rookie running back and an ancient QB.

A few pieces were removed—Haynesworth, Eric King, Chris Carr, Jim Schwartz, and a few other minor pieces—then the whole thing fell over.

The Titans started the season at 0-6 and went to QB Vince Young to rebuild the thing. At 2-0, Young is raising the tower, but the structure just isn't that sound. The defense ranks only 31st in the entire league a year after being in the Top 10.

24. Buffalo Bills—Balderdash

Terrell Owens can still help your football team—Balderdash!

Trent Edwards is ready to take the next step and become a top-flight NFL starter—Balderdash!

The offensive line will be better without Derrick Dockery and Jason Peters—Balderdash!

Balderdash is a game of lying. The Buffalo Bills spend a good part of the offseason lying to themselves and giving their fans just enough hope to save lagging ticket sales.

Want a few more?

This team will stay in Buffalo. Dick Jauron will coach in the NFL next year. Terrell Owens won't become a distraction.

Balderdash?

23. Carolina Panthers—Chess

Chess is a gentleman's sport—played best by those who are consumed by it. Its masters have formulas and charts and graphs and all sorts of contraptions for success. Computers have been designed solely to play chess.

Ever play with a three-year-old? That is what the Panthers are like.

Seriously, there's a formula for football success when you're the Panthers: Run the danged ball! You have the best young run blocking tackle combo in football! You have the best young running back tandem in all of football.

RUN THE BALL!

Yet, somehow, the Panthers manage to chuck up a bunch of passes, most of them to a double-covered Steve Smith.

As we've now seen, two weeks in a row, the Panthers can succeed if they master their game plan. The Panthers beat Arizona and came close to success against an undefeated Saints team.

One minute they're Bobby Fischer, the next minute Bobby (a second grader who picks his nose).

22. San Francisco 49ers—Clue

Frank Gore in the end zone with the football.

Vernon Davis in the end zone with the football.

Really, the 49ers might be the most boring game of Clue ever. We know whodunit on almost all of their touchdowns this season. However, the guessing games continue on a roster which has been shuffled continuously from last season until now.

This last shuffle led to Alex Smith regaining his starting job.

Shaun Hill on the sideline with a clipboard.

Not to mention the fact that if Miss Scarlet and Colonel Mustard ever got together (and we know you did you naughty kids) they would end up with a child dressed like a 49er.

21. Seattle Seahawks—Scrabble

The Seahawks are higher on this list than most should be comfortable with because they're at least coming off a win—more than can be said about the teams preceding them.

Also, Matt Hasselbeck is healthy so that is at least setting them in the right direction.

But who is excited about this team? Wins against St. Louis and Detroit aren't exactly awe-inspiring and the offense looks about as vanilla as a latte from Starbucks.

Right now the Seahawks have bad tiles and "aeioieo" isn't a word no matter how hard you try.

The Seahawks have two straight against the Cardinals and Vikings. If a replay of the Scrabble championships is on ESPN, I'd watch that. It promises to be more exciting.

20. Chicago Bears—Don't Wake Daddy

Don't Wake Daddy was a very popular choice among parents and children in the early Nineties. This board game featured children sneaking to the refrigerator long past their bed time, trying not to make noises, and thus ensuring that Daddy stayed asleep.

Encouraging adolescents to break curfew and be part of the obesity epidemic...BRILLIANT!

If too many noises were made, Daddy woke up, looking like he had been having one of the worst nightmares ever!

That game, much like the Chicago Bears, was much better while it was still in the box. I mean, it's a fun idea, but after 20 minutes of playing, or the first time you get screwed by the random electric Daddy, you just stop playing and can't really bring yourself to get excited by it again.

The Bears adding Jay Cutler and Orlando Pace (and even Gaines Adams) seemed like such a good idea. The Bears are now 4-4 with one quality win against a Pittsburgh team without Polamalu.

Just not very exciting.

In fact, with all those draft picks gone, Chicago fans might wake up soon to a pretty bad nightmare.

19. Miami Dolphins—Stratego

When playing Stratego, much of what happens during the game is already predetermined by the planning and placement of the pieces.

A lot like each time the Miami Dolphins take the field.

What did the Dolphins work on this week? Are they going to run a lot of Wildcat? A new wrinkle in the Wildcat? Spread option? Are we going to see Pat White? Chad Henne?

What did the other team work on defending? Did it spend its time working on stopping the Wildcat only to get blitzed by a vertical passing attack? Is the defense keyed into Ronnie Brown only to have Pat White taking the snaps?

The Dolphins have three wins in their last five games and played New Orleans and New England close. With three straight upcoming against Tampa Bay, Carolina, and Buffalo, Miami still has a chance.

But much like Stratego, it's all going to depend on how good the Dolphins are at misleading their opponents and picking their spots to attack.

18. New York Jets—Hungry Hungry Hippos

No comment necessary.

17. Green Bay Packers—KerPlunk

KerPlunk is named as an onomatopoeia for the sound that is made when the marbles contained drop into the collection tray.

If each NFL team were asked to define themselves by a sound, KerPlunk would be a pretty good fit for the Packers, otherwise known as the sound of Aaron Rodgers' career getting shorter.

Little known fact—Rodgers is still the leading fantasy quarterback even though the matadors in front of him have allowed him to be sacked 37 times.

Derek Anderson has been brought down less than a fourth as many times. I guarantee that Green Bay would be undefeated if its line was half as good as Cleveland's.

Maybe instead of pining over Brett Favre, Packer fans should hearken back to the days of Marco Rivera or Mike Wahle

16. Baltimore Ravens—Chutes and Ladders

The game Chutes and Ladders (also called Snakes and Ladders) can be won in as little as seven moves. Depending on how many people you were a dick to in an earlier life, the game can go on forever.

Seriously, they made a children's game which, literally, has a maximum playing time of forever.

And, while playing the game, it usually feels like it—especially when you get so close, only to land on the wrong square.

When Baltimore started this year at 3-0, it seemed as if it had hit the long ladder up to the top. Then, the Ravens hit the slide back down as they've gone 1-4 since then.

The Ravens are a very talented team but until they solidify key areas—the defensive backfield in particular—it will be an up and down journey.

15. New York Giants—Life

When this little game began, Eli Manning managed to select "Above Average Quarterback" as his career, but also spun to get the highest salary. Meanwhile, it seems that each time the Giants appear to be on the right path, they get side tracked.

At 5-0 the Giants only had one quality win against an iffy Dallas team. Now at 5-4, the Giants have a tough upcoming schedule that could easily leave them 5-8.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars—Pictionary

Pictionary was once a popular game that it seemed every family in America was playing on family and party nights.

Likewise, the Jacksonville Jaguars were once one of the most popular teams in the league. From East Coast to West, kids were wearing Fred Taylor jerseys or looking to be the next Natrone Means or Jimmy Smith.

Now, both are afterthoughts for board game enthusiasts and sports addicts alike.

At 4-4 this season, the Jags are the epitome of mediocre with one quality win (Houston) and a split of the season series with Tennessee. Things get worse from there: The Jags are on pace for record blackouts and could be on the move as soon as this offseason.

Maybe Jacksonville residents are spending their Sundays guessing what each other are drawing.

13. Houston Texans—Apples to Apples

There aren't many board games hotter right now than Apples to Apples. In this game you seek to read people's minds and assign a "noun" to a predetermined adjective card.

For example: if someone flipped over the card "exciting," it would not be surprising if the winning card were labeled "Houston Texans."

Even after a somewhat sluggish start, there aren't many teams playing better football right now. Andre Johnson is quickly becoming recognized as one of the (if not the) best receivers in the game. Matt Schaub is stepping into the upper echelon of quarterbacks, and Steve Slaton?

He would go on the disappointing card.

Taking an undefeated Colts team to the wire may have flipped the light on for this team which has a bye week to figure out the rushing attack. After that, they face two more quality opponents and a second half schedule that could put them at 10-6 and looking at the playoffs.

12. Philadelphia Eagles—Boggle

In the game of Boggle, players have three minutes to unscramble a randomly shook series of letters. For those that understand it, it is a frenzied delight. If you can't find any words...the timer can't end soon enough.

This season, the Philadelphia Eagles are defined in much the same way.

In two losses this season, the Eagles stood up to (and lost to) a couple of good defenses in the Cowboys and the Saints.

In their wins, teams like the Giants and Panthers were completely confused, befuddled, and couldn't wait for the final horn to sounds.

Against the Raiders, uh...the Eagles may have forgotten to bring any vowels out west.

11. Arizona Cardinals—Hi Ho! Cherry-O

Is there a less scary 5-3 team anywhere in football?

Although the Cardinals have decent wins against teams in turmoil—Giants and Bears—the offense is one dimensional and so is the defense.

Sadly, the Cardinals can stop the run but can't rush themselves, leaving them unable to account for any sort of bad day from Kurt Warner.

If everything goes right for this Cardinals team, it could easily find itself back in the playoffs and making a run at the championship game. However, much like in Hi Ho! Cherry-O, there are going to be negative spins along the way.

For their sake, hope the Cardinals don't spill the bucket.

10. San Diego Chargers—Synapse

If you're a board game aficionado, check out SynapseTheGame.com and take a look at a game which has taken my state, Minnesota, by storm. Even though I live very near to where this game was invented, it took a trip to Michigan to get to play it.

The game could be considered verbal charades, which requires a high level of thinking and even more teamwork. It works best when played with good friends and/or married couples who are used to finishing each other's sentences.

With the Chargers, the game is pretty much the same. When they are clicking on all cylinders, there isn't another team that can stop them, offensively or defensively. But sometimes the chemistry just doesn't seem to be there.

9. Atlanta Falcons—Risk

There are no shortcuts to Risk.

If you want to be among the best, there are planning, plotting, and expert levels of "strategery" involved.

The Falcons aren't taking shortcuts either.

At first look, the Falcons seem like an international affair. Their owner, Arthur Blank, looks like an Italian mobster, and the general manager, Thomas Dimitroff, sounds like the name of a KGB hitman—he actually grew up in Canada.

Nope, the Falcons are an an All-American enterprise built like an All-American football team.

Matt Ryan might as well be cast in the next Friday Night Lights, Michael Turner, Sam Baker, Roddy White, Curtis Lofton etc etc. Sure the Falcons could attract and sign some talent to make a run at a title, but why?

They're looking at things down the road, when the building is complete and no one in the NFC can stop them.

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ok now...back to my meds.

8. Dallas Cowboys—Ouija

Let's be honest, the Dallas Cowboys' stretch as "America's Team" is long over—much like the popularity of Ouija boards. Both had their time and because all the attention they attracted, are now criticized mercilessly.

Parker Brothers still reproduces the devil's plaything, keeping it relevant to American culture.

And many football fans (especially in Dallas) believe Jerry Jones is the devil.

Also of note—Tony Romo grew up in southeastern Wisconsin, the heart of occult activity for much of the 80's and 90's. Perhaps he made a deal giving him Hollywood heartthrobs at the expense of playoff wins.

The truth is out there...

7. New England Patriots—Othello

Othello is known as the game that takes "minutes to learn, a lifetime to master." Ever play Othello against a computer? Usually around level two it can be beaten. On level three it is impossible.

In fact, Othello masters have created a computer logarithm which is undefeated against human opponents—something Chess cannot claim.

Football, similarly, is easily learned but very few have the mastery that Bill Belichick has. His life has been dedicated to football since being a young Navy brat and taking a position right out of college.

Mathematicians have dedicated their lives to trying to "crack" Othello, and it has never been done. Belichick knows that football is all about the numbers, if he cracks the code someday, the rest of the league is in trouble.

6. Cincinnati Bengals—Candy Land

I've already used Hungry Hungry Hippos, but this big fellow closely resembles a love child of "Plumpy" and "Gloppy," two Candy Land characters. The Candy Land similarities don't end there.

Mr. Mint, a tall and flamboyant icon—Chad Ochocinco.

Lord Licorice, the villain—Chris Henry.

King Kandy, the all-powerful guy who runs the show—Carson Palmer.

The Bengals have been climbing the candy road for a long time, plugging away and getting mired along the way. Now, it seems they have finally emerged from the swamp and have become one of the NFL's most powerful and popular teams.

5. Denver Broncos—Backgammon

No one understands Backgammon. If you claim you do, you're either lying to yourself or everyone else. There are books that talk about Backgammon—written like an Old English assembly manual. Even the people who make Backgammon sets are either clueless on how it works or part of the worldwide conspiracy.

Yeah, I don't get the Broncos either. At 6-0 they were unbeatable and then got smoked by the Ravens and Steelers.

Sure there are beat writers and journalists who write about the Broncos but they would be the first to admit they don't understand the team. Orton wasn't supposed to be a winner for this team. Brandon Marshall was supposed to be a headcase who would tear this team apart.

You can pretend you know...but you don't.

4. Minnesota Vikings—Operation

When the Minnesota Vikings end this season, however it ends, they will get together and name a team MVP. Brett Favre is the obvious choice. Adrian Peterson could heat up and still manage to catch Chris Johnson for the rushing title. Even a defensive player like Jared Allen or EJ Henderson stake large claims to being the most talented Viking.

My vote? Dr. James Andrews.

Without him, none of this would be possible. Without Dr. Andrews, Tavaris Jackson would be middling with an 80-something QB rating.

In 2003, Milton Bradley allowed fans to vote on a new body part to operate on. I bet the residents of Minneapolis would love a 2009 version that allows removal of "Throwing Shoulder."

3. Pittsburgh Steelers—Monopoly

The Steelers are 6-2 but find their way into the top three because of the man above. The men of Steel are 4-0 when Polamalu finds his way into the lineup (2-2 without him).

The Steelers seem to have a monopoly on talent. They've taken a chance on bringing in new guys like Stephan Logan and starting Lawrence Timmons. And hey, the parking isn't free, but almost—only $5 for many places in the area.

Time will tell whether they are putting more houses on their franchise or erecting a hotel.

2. Indianapolis Colts—Checkers

Checkers, also known as "English Draughts," is considered "poor man's Chess." However, its many proponents will tell you that it is nearly as complex.

Mathematically, Checkers has a possible move set of 10^31 whereas Chess has 10^43. Game theorists have weakly solved Checkers and partially solved Chess.

Checkers is the most complex and largest game ever solved by any mathematician.

As of now, no one has solved the Indianapolis Colts.

It was supposed to be so simple—a rookie head coach, missing wide receiver pieces, a banged up secondary, all reasons this Colts team could be 4-4.

But they're not. The Colts are 8-0 and playing as good of football as anyone in the NFL. The only reason they are number two is because one team is playing even better against better competition.

1) New Orleans Saints—Outburst

Where the heck did this come from?

This offense has always been a force to be reckoned with. This year, things are different. The New Orleans Saints are averaging 12 more points than the next highest offense. The Saints are averaging almost a whole point more than the New England Patriots did two years ago.

The defense is getting better as well. Gregg Williams has been a great addition to this squad.

The Saints are undefeated for a reason: stellar coaching and play on both sides of the ball.