An Open Letter to NFL Fans: the Season Ended in February

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Dear Yearlong NFL fan,

I’m not sure if you’re aware or not, but the NFL season ended in February, and it doesn’t really start again until September.

I would understand if you got excited in August, considering that’s when most fantasy leagues draft and the whole ‘preseason’ business begins. And I’ll even let it slide when you watch the whole two-day coverage of the NFL Draft in April and then proceed to tell me all about it on Monday.

But seriously, it’s June. The NBA finals, the Stanley Cup finals, and baseball are all (or were) going on right now. Your sport’s offseason does not take precedence over another sport's regular season, let along the f*%#@ finals.

Please spare me the ten-minute segments on SportsCenter about TO being on some obscure drug-testing list. I DON’T CARE. SHOW ME A WEB GEM OR GARNETT DUNKING ON SOMEONE! Hell, I’d settle for Ronny Turiaf.

Why is NFL live on at all right now? I don’t care that the Bills released some third-year, second-string defensive end that no one has ever heard of. And I certainly don’t care what Trey Wingo thinks about the running back situation in Chicago. You know when I’ll care about it? Well, never because the Bears suck. But even if it was a team I liked, I won’t care until I’m planning on drafting a (albeit losing) fantasy team in August.

I understand if you don’t like baseball (Read: I understand you’re intellectually stunted and emotionally immature), but there are plenty of sports to go around*.

I’d even stop making fun of soccer if you would just shut the hell up about the Panther’s secondary weaknesses. And if the only sport you like is football, I have a few suggestions for you.

Go Outside. Go for a walk, ride a bike, or I don’t know, put down your Miller High Life and interact with your spouse and/or kids. You could even throw a football around with your kid and realize why you started watching sports rather than playing them.

Read a Book. Yes, there is a purpose for written language other than an opinion piece about where Sean Alexander will end up playing next season. Start with something easy that most people read when they were in eighth grade (your assumed reading comprehension level).

Kill yourself. You are either too dumb to like another sport or too boring for anyone to interact with. Do the rest of society a favor and ram your temple into the corner of your desk.

No matter how much the NFL tries to draw out their coverage, I will not tolerate the absolute ignorance that is the yearlong NFL fan.

New rule: If it isn’t August through February, or the Draft, you are not allowed to watch, talk about, or blog about the NFL. If you break this law, you should be forced to watch the LPGA or the WNBA for more than fifteen minutes. Harsh, I know, but something drastic has to be done.

*Note: MMA does not count as an alternative to the NFL. Kimbo Slice is not an athlete.