Takin' a T/O with BT: Ten Ways to Talk Sports at the Prom

Well, as April turns into May, and spring turns into summer, there may be a buzz around your local high school.

Not only is it the magical time where only the desperate to pass or the desperate to leave it all behind are the only ones attending school, but the signal that your high school career is over—the Prom—is just around the corner.

Some have them in May, some in June. Some on weekends, some on weekdays. For some, the Prom is “the most magical night of their lives,” while for others it’s a night of failed expectations and disappointment. And some, well, some don’t even remember it for one reason or another.

But what happens if you’re a sports fan? Maybe a big game for your team is happening tonight and you have to miss it. Or maybe you just can’t go an entire night without talking sports.

Well, if you’re really that desperate guys, then here we go: Ten ways to talk sports at the prom.

Side note: I would write one for the female readers, but I’ve honestly never witnessed a girl get bored before or during the prom. Sure, they’ll bad-mouth it after, but girls are in the teenage years’ equivalent to “wedding mode” when it’s Prom time. That’s not to say that girls aren’t sports fans, or can’t talk sports at the prom, just that the guys at the prom will get bored more easily and will need something to occupy their time.

Before we do this, a little background on why this article came to be: Ladies, you can thank your sixty different magazines featuring 781 different ways to prepare yourselves for the prom. As much as you think that bringing up sports is unnecessary, we think you having 600 different hair styles, 70 different options for nail patterns, and 55 different choices of shoes for the prom is unnecessary.

In other words, you only have yourselves to blame.

1. Don’t sit with all girls.

This is probably the biggest mistake you can make—not just from a “talking sports” stand point. Seriously, you should thank me for telling you this. You’re going to be sitting with your date's friends if you end up sitting with all girls.

Topics girls talk about at prom include: hair, makeup, nails, memories, and lots and lots of photos.

Whether you want to talk about sports, or you just want to talk, period, make sure that there’s at least one other guy at the table.

Besides, when the girls all throw their cameras at you and the other males to take pictures of the table, you can mutter inappropriate things about your dates’ friends to each other.

Example:

Date: “Make sure to get us all in the picture!”

Your buddy (muttering just to you): “Whoops! Looks like I just cropped her best friend who ruined her birthday surprise out of the shot! Darn…”

As I said, good times.

2. Keep the conversation current.

If you’re able to avoid the Table of Estrogen scenario, then your next step is to always keep the conversation current.

Now at first, this kind of seems obvious, but look at it this way: By keeping the talk current, you’re involving more people (like the casual sports fan, or the guy in your graduating class that claims to be a Pens fan even though the only thing Penguins he’s ever worn is a 2008 RBK Edge Sidney Crosby jersey).

If you and one of your buddies decide to go off on a “Who’s better: Wayne Gretzky, Bobby Orr, or Gordie Howe?” argument, that takes out at least half of the potential talkers. From there, people not learned in the glory years of hockey may become outmatched and leave you two to yell it out.

What’s more is that if your date sees that it’s just you and your buddy talking, she’ll either:

a) Know that something is up

or

b) Be so embarrassed that you’ve been able to drive away so many people that she’ll go and seek out the captain of the football team for a dance.

Keep it current and you won’t be stuck watching SportsCenter at night's end—that is, unless you want to. That’s almost too desperate—even for me

3. Don’t wear anything to do with sports.

This is a big one. If you wear sports-related paraphernalia, then that’s like telling her, “If we ever get married, our kitchen is getting painted [insert favorite team’s colors].”

In other words, it’s a dead giveaway that at some point in the night, you’ll be ditching her for sports and she will not be happy. Not only does it insinuate that you’re thinking of sports the entire time, but some women also have this hatred of anything sports-related ending up in their photo albums—and a Detroit Red Wings tie or a Chicago White Sox hat is probably a good way to end up in the dog house.

4. Keep a football or something sports-related in the car.

This one is a little contingent on what’s happening after prom.

If you guys are going to a beach or something, then bringing a football or a few baseball gloves are completely understandable, as it’s not prom anymore. It’s a trip to the beach, and all bets are off regarding sports-related stuff and it's still an “elegant evening.”

As for whipping the football out in the parking lot of wherever your prom is being held at and chucking it around at any point in the evening, it won’t work quite as well.

Not only are you vacant at the "prom area" for an extended period of time, but you’re not even close to “taking this as seriously as you should be.”

5. Take a portable radio or TV.

This runs along the same lines as the football. You can’t go out to your car to check the scores of the game. It’s too obvious, and as we’ve discussed, leaving the premises is a no-no.

So, now that your MP3 player can double as a radio, or your cell phone can get text alerts of scores, you can set yourself up to receive the latest news from the sporting world!

A big-time trade went down? You’ll hear about it! Big game tonight? You’ll know the score!

Whatever developments take place that night, you’ll be in the know! (I’m not advertising anything, that last paragraph just kind of rolled out of my mind with no intention of selling radios/MP3 players…as far as you know.)

6. Don’t overdo it.

Maybe your date is fine with you talking a little sports at her prom. In that case, you’ve lucked out, and you probably don’t need any more help aside from this.

However, even if she allows you to, talk sports sparingly. Intersperse some sports talk with your buddies throughout the night, but make sure it isn’t the only thing you talk about.

If some major event (hopefully not featuring Roger Clemens—seriously, we’ve had enough already) happened that day, or is going to happen, and you need to talk about it, use code names.

If you’re talking about how you hope your favorite team could make it to the Stanley Cup Finals, then change the name to your favorite amusement park.

Example:

Wrong: “Wow Jimmy, I’m really looking forward to our boys going to the Stanley Cup final this year.”

Right: “Wow Jimmy, I hope we get to take a trip to Darien Lake this year! That’d be swell!

Just remember, even if she’s prepared to let you talk sports at certain junctions in the night, don’t overdo it unless you can hide it.

7. Take lots of pictures.

Alright, now at first you may think that this sounds girly, and that it has nothing to do with talking sports—but really, if it were that unrelated, why would I tell you?

Despite the fact that “taking loads and loads of pictures” sounds extremely feminine (it plays into the “this is my moment” psyche we talked about earlier), it works perfectly in the favor of the guys.

Here’s a scenario for you: Your date, and all six of her friends want an “all girls” photo so that they can remember each other forever. Because of this, who gets stuck holding the camera? You, my friend.

The great news is that you’re not alone. If there are multiple girls in this photo, chances are that each of them has a camera (due to the fact that, again, “this is their moment”). If there are multiple girls with multiple cameras, then chances are there are multiple dates (or at least one other one).

While the girls get set up for their photo and decide what faces to make, or what way to wear their hair, or whatever quirky thing they want featured in their photo, that offers you a chance to get some sports talk in with the guys while being within eyeshot of your gal at all times.

What’s more, is that even if she can hear you, she won’t mind it because you’re doing her a favor and she’ll also be happy that you’re getting along with the other girls' dates.

Strangely enough however, this is a situation where smaller numbers can work in your favor. Let’s face it, one picture takes long enough to take, but say that, out of the six girls, only two of them brought dates—that leaves three pictures for each of you, and a more streamlined conversation.

Not a bad trade-off I must say.

8. Roll with the punches.

Whatever happens over the course of the night, just go with it. I’m not even going to say “if she looks beautiful tell her she’s beautiful” because that’s a given—if you’re going somewhere in public with her, chances are you’re attracted to her, and frankly if you don’t know enough to tell a girl she looks beautiful on the day of her prom—well, you’re reading the wrong article buddy.

Aside from that, if you’re driving her to the venue, then let her choose the radio station/music in the car (by God, whatever you do, don’t make her sit through sports unless she wants to), and (even if you don’t get along with them normally) make an effort to be cordial to her family—talk to them, let them take their photos, and be the guy her parents always wanted her to bring home.

If you’ve done all of that, then chances are you’ve bought yourself a little bit of a “get out of jail free” card if she catches you with the guys while you’re all talking about the latest games, scores, trades, or firings.

The main thing with this is that it only works for a short period of time—kind of like the “there’s only two minutes left in the game honey, I swear” card, you have to place this one wisely and use it effectively.

9. Take one for the team.

If you’re up at the front of the room, or at another table talking with your buddies before the festivities begin, and she’s calling you over, don’t use the “Two seconds, I’m just talking about the latest game with the guys” routine.

First of all, you’ve ruined your chances of being invited back for more sports talk later with this group, because you’ve just become “that guy who’ll sell the group out for no good reason,” and you don’t want to be that guy.

Second of all, if you just smile, nod, and go to her without trying to reason your way out of it, then two things happen:

1) All of a sudden she’s happy because you’ve become agreeable, and as far as she knows, you’re more than happy to sit with her the entire night. You, on the other hand, know differently and then you’re set up for the rest of the night because, as we’ve established, you can get away with a whole lot more when she’s happy.

And

2) Because you’re the guy who “bit the bullet” and didn’t sell out the rest of the group. Whether you’re a newly introduced accomplice or an old friend, you’ll be welcomed back into the group because of it. Where a lesser man who gave away the group's strategy would perish, you (being the one who went down for the greater good) remain a part of the group, even in your absence because none of this would be happening without you

10. Not the place for your lucky sports gear.

Now, why you’re looking for luck at your prom is none of my business, and it’s probably best if you don’t tell me either. Really, I could care less if you and the head cheerleader did the "no-pants dance" (I’ll high-five you after the fact, but please, spare me all the gory details), but if that’s what you want this prom season, you’ll have to do it without your lucky shorts.

That’s right, whether it’s lucky shoes, shorts, gloves, socks, a pre-game meal (If this is the case, can someone explain to me why you’re eating pre-Prom? I get that the food sucks but, if this is anything like Canada, you’ve already paid $60 for the ticket, so instead of filling up beforehand on chicken and pasta, settle for the Hamburger Helper and Pillsbury Crescent Rolls you get at prom), you've got to ditch the "luck factor" and just trust yourself.

Needless to say, if it is a favorite article of clothing, then don’t wear it. Your teammates put up with it on the bench because we all stink during sports, but if you do get lucky enough to take the head cheerleader to the prom, have a little bit of sense to not drive her away with the stink.

As Crash Davis says: “Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You'll never make it to the Bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the show, you can let the fungus grow back and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the show, however, it means you are a slob.”

Sorry, but I don’t think you’ve won twenty in the show, meat.

So there you have it. I’ve given you as much help as I possibly can to get away with talking a little bit of sports at your prom. Who knows, maybe these tips can be transferred to other weird, estrogen-driven events like weddings, baby showers, and christenings.

On second thought, it’s probably better if we just take these things one at a time.

Oh, one more piece of advice: Don’t let her see this article. If you do, you’ve just doomed a whole lot of guys because, believe it or not, every single woman knows each other.

That, and you may become harder to find than the positive results of Barry Bonds’ urine tests.

As Ryan Alberti would say, I’m “just saying is all.”